On thursday I had a lot going wrong. homeschooling wasnt going well, my house was a mess but I have really bad muscles at the min so was harder work to tidy, my youngest dad was causing me trouble, social were putting pressure on me, my mum had got my younger sister to message saying she doesnt want me and the kids going round her house (we were in a bubble but havent been round there since the week before xmas) but she is fine with my brother going round with his wife and 2 kids (even though they are mixing with everyone as normal and she even let them round when they had symptoms of covid) and shes fine with my other sister going there with her kids but when it comes to me and my kids we are never good enough or wanted.
Anyway thursday night i hit a bit of a low point. The kids had kept me awake all night wednesday and now my 3yr old woke upafter only a few hours sleep being sick, I got him back to sleep and went to take the bedding down to the wash. The house was a mess, I was exhausted and in pain. I thought about, i mean really thought about (didnt attempt anything) commiting suicide. I spoke to a friend and distracted myself by doing a bit of the housework. I went to bed around 3am but couldnt really sleep as my mind was going mad.
Friday morning I wasnt really feeling suicidal anymore but still felt quite low and physically and mentally exhausted. I phoned my doctor asking for an emergency appointment but they said they didnt have any and to try again monday. I phoned the school and explained to them what had happened and they said they would speak to our social worker.
The social worker phoned and I said i would be truthful with what i was struggling with from now on (id been hiding quite a lot as im sure a lot of people do to stop social taking their kids away) I also asked that my mum wasnt told or involved as we arent really talking at the min and last time we had social services (around 4years ago) she covered her own back lieing saying she would help if we needed it etc but as soon as social left she would say horrible things and encourage me to lie and cover things up saying I dont need help ect
the social worker ignored me, phoned my mum at 3:30, told her i had ATTEMPTED suicide last night and that she needs to go to my house and if I dont let her in by 5:30pm that she has to call the police (assuming to take the kids away), my mum didnt even bother coming to my house or trying to get in contact until gone 5:30. I let her in to show the kids were fine (not that I had a choice) She asked why I was being so pathetic. I said im not going to argue or discuss anything infront of my children (they are 9, 8, 6, 5 & 3) so will understand what is being said. she stayed all of 30 seconds, bearing in mind she hadnt seen the kids since before christmas (clearly bothered) and then left.
Now im guessing social are going to remove my children but they are going to keep quiet and just turn up to do it which i think is unfair on the children as I at least want to explain to them (age appropriatly) what is happening and that they arent in trouble and its nothing they have done wrong but i dont want to do that too soon and have them worrying at the same time. I have no idea what to do or how to fix this.
I feel ok mentally today other than worrying about whats going to happen. should i find a solicitor? what should I do? ive not heard from social at all since she spoke to my mum.
My mum also LIED to them saying that I lied and said I had covid to stop her being able to visit the kids over christmas!!!!!!!!!!