What is actually wrong with me ??

[historyandhiking]

I've always been a worrier and I have a long standing diagnosis of PTSD from trauma.

I had probably what could be called a complete breakdown last Spring.

Now I'm 'better' in a way but I seem to have slipped into some kind of inertia. I'm only better if I barely DO anything.

I don't feel depressed yet I spend days in bed. I get a bit panicked at the thought of 'doing' anything other than lying there.

Every couple of days I force myself to do some housework, shop, cook some meals, I'm embarrassed to say sometimes I don't shower for a week. I had to fill out a form for universal credit like a health assessment, I put it off til the last day and hated doing it. I need to request a prescription for a long term uncomfortable condition but days just go by and I don't.

I'd say I'm very anxious about COVID like about the risk to my family. Like most people I'm kind of 'used' to COVID now though. I'm NOT depressed which is weird. I worry about finances longer term as I'll lose my house if I'm not back working, but that's years away. I guess I am fearful I won't be able to hold down a job again.

What is this inertia?? It's like I want to do things, everyday things, but I'm like stuck or in shock and I only feel ok if I'm in bed.

I've got a partner (bubble) who's very sick of me now because it's so rare I've been able to force myself to get ready and see him.

I need to go out today to a shop and it seems like a monumental task.

Has anyone ever had these feelings without feeling depressed and what if anything helped??

I've wasted Mar - May in severe breakdown and May - Now in this inertia. I don't want to be like this!!

Have you ever seen a therapist/psychologist about this? I'm not 100% sure but I think I read somewhere that what you describe can sometimes be a side affect of ADHD.
I am similar myself - I am either unable to move and so anything, or I cannot stop. There's no middle ground.
I don't know what the answer is unfortunately, but perhaps an online/phone therapy session would help.

@buenavistabelle I've been having counselling with a psychotherapist since 2012. When I was a child I did have some strange behaviours (hope that's not offensive) , I stopped speaking for a year when I was about 10, and I wouldn't buy anything that wouldn't 'last' like sweets or crayons, I had a rigid routine as well.

ADHD can present like this. How do you feel when you’ve had MASSIVE amounts of caffeine?

i get a bit like this if i go into an autistic shutdown. its really hard. I find I have no executive function and its like wading through treacle to even do the stuff I want to do, let alone the stuff i need to do

Sounds like anxiety to me. I find it hard to do anything when I'm anxious. Decisions are too much, including things like what laundry to do. I put off doing anything because the idea of it fills me with dread, including filling forms. It just feels like I can't do it.

You say you're not depressed but what you're describing sounds very like depression. When I'm depressed (and I have chronic, quite severe depression) I am not actively unhappy but bleak and apathetic, just as you describe.

This is my life all the time! Sorry you’re struggling.

@Separateatone

ADHD can present like this. How do you feel when you’ve had MASSIVE amounts of caffeine?

Jittery I suppose!! I had a look at a couple of adult ADHD information websites and I don't fit a lot of it. I never get periods of high activity or anything. It's usually 1-2 days of functioning somewhat normally (washing, dressing, cooking, cleaning, maybe a walk or paying a bill) then 3-4 days of barely being able to get out of bed.

What type (modality) of counsellor do you see please? It may be relevant. And also what age (approx) are you?

Inattentive ADHD.

Worked out how to quote!!

@Branleuse Yeah it's like a shutdown. I've had PTSD and anxiety most of my life but until this year I could function. Now there's no way I could work. No way. My functioning is terrible. Like today all I have to do is go to pick up a prescription. I think right step in shower, get towel, clothes together, dry hair, look somewhat barely presentable, find number, call pharmacy make sure they have it, call taxi, ask them to wait, go in to shop, get prescription, come back, wash hands. That seems like a gigantic insurmountable complex task I'm really uneasy about doing.

@Apileofballyhoo Yes I really struggle making decisions. Like what to make for dinner. I want systems and routines for everything but then I fret if they have to change in the future. If something goes even minorly off, I just dive back into bed.

@PrawnofthePatriarchy Maybe I am depressed. Although I do get happiness in some things like my DC (it's not fair on them, they are older and pretty self sufficient re schoolwork, cooking, but they shouldn't be modelled this), my hobbies, a cup of tea in the morning etc.

Sorry to everyone else struggling

@whatisthislifesofullofcare (love the name) . The counsellor is a counsellor / psychotherapist. Qualified counselling and supervision. Also Transactional Analysis or something.

I'm 33. I have DC but had them very very young.

OP I am similar. I could stay in bed all day every day, although occasionally get urges to make the house look neat and tidy. Everything I have to do seems like a huge task and makes me stressed and anxious. I wish I could find out what causes it. My gp and my counsellor say it's depression. I don't know. I'm depressed that I no longer have a life I suppose, but that's due to the fact that I can't do anything. I'll watch with interest to see what others say.

op, have a look at stuff like ADD inattentive type, or female presentation of autism/aspergers. The long standing anxiety , and trauma along with executive functioning issues makes my ears prick up for these conditions

@DrDolittlesParrot I'm sorry you feel similar. Yes to everything feeling like a huge task and makes me anxious. I also get like slightly angry (only a little and only inside) and resentful at times of having to do anything. It doesn't make sense really. When did it start for you?? For me it was always there but was nowhere near as bad before COVID hit.

I had to quit my job.

I have thoughts that it may be to do with vigilance. Like maybe I feel like I have to stay in one place and at home and like 'frozen' and I'm scared of making any wrong decisions so I just don't make any.
My dad has PTSD (same event) and he puts off things like forms, sleeps a lot, and he gets irritable if distracted eg two people talking at once.

@historyandhiking yes to feeling angry and resentful inside, I'm exactly the same.

I don't know when it started for me really, I had a bad time a few years ago, one parent very ill, the other died, a marriage break up and I think the start of perimenopause, so possibly then, it's got worse in the last year though, not sure if it's covid related. I haven't been able to work for years and I'm trying to find something I can do working at home, but really I know I won't be able to at the moment.

I'm also not good with lots of noise, feel very sensitive to noise in general, loud voices, noisy cars outside, anything that startles me.

@BuggerBognor I was on antidepressants in April and May. They stopped the constant panic attacks, insomnia, and crying, which I was really grateful for. Those symptoms haven't come back. I came off them because they made me put on loads of weight and have zero sex drive (I know silly reason). May I ask what ones helped you?? I was on citalopram.

@Branleuse Thanks I will look into those things. I did have strange behaviours as a child, way before the traumatic event. I literally stopped speaking for a year aged about 10 and I communicated in sign language even to my parents!! I had rigid routines too. Makes me think something else may be going on as well as the trauma.

@Branleuse

op, have a look at stuff like ADD inattentive type, or female presentation of autism/aspergers. The long standing anxiety , and trauma along with executive functioning issues makes my ears prick up for these conditions

I've looked into this a bit, but don't fit exactly. And GPs don't want to know, they just I'm depressed. I asked a mental health nurse once too, she also said it's depression. But what if depression is a symptom of feeling like that, rather than the cause? Because ice no motivation or energy to do anything I can't argue with them about it, I just run out of words, can't remember the facts, can't express myself eloquently ... it's all just tiring. And what would it achieve? Just a label?

@DrDolittlesParrot I'm sorry to hear about your bad times, that all sounds overwhelming. Are you having / had any treatment at all?? I get counselling since 2012 but only been on meds for 2 months this year, find it hard to ask for help / skeptical if it will help.

I'm having counselling but not taking meds because I couldn't cope with the side effects. I get bad restless legs and arms from most antidepressants.

Yes I also feel sceptical about anything helping and find it difficult to ask for help. I've tried in the past, but don't have the strength to fight anymore. They prescribe antidepressants anyway and when I tell them I can't cope with the side effects they tut and say I have to put up with it or that there's nothing else they can do.

This is interesting.

I have the same thing. It drives me nuts!

It started after my first 'proper' breakdown (I've always had depression on and off as I have bipolar disorder).

I also have a lot of fatigue.

I definitely don't fit the criteria for autism or ADHD (I've looked at both before trying to figure this out).

I always put it down to having very mild depression (since I'm on ADs) as I have none of the negative thinking patterns but lots of fatigue and feeling like I can't move from the sofa.

It's at the point where I've gone from an extremely productive, resourceful person to someone that goes days without showering or brushing teeth (interspersed with days of being like my old self a bit more).

Part of me wonders if having a serious MH episode somehow alters the structure of the brain/neural pathways in some way?

I have felt a lot like you describe, both dr dolittle and OP, and have now been diagnosed aspergers with ADD and am trialling medication for the ADD which is showing really promising results so far. Im also on prozac, after not being able to cope with side effects of other antidepressants but this one seems ok.

I always felt, when I was told I was depressed, that it wasnt always just depression. It was something else. That depression was due to not coping and not being able to do things, rather than not being able to do things because i was depressed, and that treating the depression without helping me be able to function was a bit of a waste of time, and sometimes just made things worse, because all it did was reduce the feeling bad about being shit at everything, when actually, I want to function normally