What is actually wrong with me ??

[historyandhiking]

I've always been a worrier and I have a long standing diagnosis of PTSD from trauma.

I had probably what could be called a complete breakdown last Spring.

Now I'm 'better' in a way but I seem to have slipped into some kind of inertia. I'm only better if I barely DO anything.

I don't feel depressed yet I spend days in bed. I get a bit panicked at the thought of 'doing' anything other than lying there.

Every couple of days I force myself to do some housework, shop, cook some meals, I'm embarrassed to say sometimes I don't shower for a week. I had to fill out a form for universal credit like a health assessment, I put it off til the last day and hated doing it. I need to request a prescription for a long term uncomfortable condition but days just go by and I don't.

I'd say I'm very anxious about COVID like about the risk to my family. Like most people I'm kind of 'used' to COVID now though. I'm NOT depressed which is weird. I worry about finances longer term as I'll lose my house if I'm not back working, but that's years away. I guess I am fearful I won't be able to hold down a job again.

What is this inertia?? It's like I want to do things, everyday things, but I'm like stuck or in shock and I only feel ok if I'm in bed.

I've got a partner (bubble) who's very sick of me now because it's so rare I've been able to force myself to get ready and see him.

I need to go out today to a shop and it seems like a monumental task.

Has anyone ever had these feelings without feeling depressed and what if anything helped??

I've wasted Mar - May in severe breakdown and May - Now in this inertia. I don't want to be like this!!

I sometimes go a week without a shower, until the sight of my greasy hair makes me so depressed I can't cope anymore.

I notice that until last year you functioned in life despite the anxiety and ptsd.

Then mar-may you had a breakdown.

And now you are like this. I would guess it’s connected to the breakdown rather than an underlying condition. As in, you are still
Recovering.

What caused the ptsd? (You don’t have to answer). Definitely ptsd and not complex ptsd?

What helps me most in terms of coping skills is just to have a small, manageable to do list for the day.

So perhaps just three things that are the priority (and others only if I get through those three).

I have to take one thing at a time so try not to think of 'everything' I need to do, just the one thing I need to do right now.

I also use the Pomodoro technique where I put a timer on for 20 mins and I can stop after that.

So for example, if it's cleaning the kitchen or filling in a form I'll do 20 mins on a timer so I don't feel like it's never ending.

Maybe have a look into PDA presentation of autism in adult females and see if anything fits. PDA isn’t about not wanting to do things, sometimes a person can truly want to do something but there’s just some barrier there.
Also, I don’t think I would fall within a diagnosis of PDA but I definitely recognise aspects of this when I’m really stressed and my executive functioning goes out of the window (I’m female diagnosed with ASD as an adult after my life just kept falling apart and I didn’t know why)

Why did you stop speaking when you were 10? Did something happen?

I would recommend seeing a qualified Hypnotherapist who would use something called regression to cause, it’s a very useful form of therapy that helps get to the very root/core of what you are experiencing

Hormonal? Since I've downloaded a hormone tracker app I can clearly see how my low non functioning state is clearly linked to dates of the month

Also water intake affects everything for me - foggy brain feeling.

I've had to massively shake my routine to kick myself out of it - so loads of water, less sugar, walk daily, mostly shower at night and hair wash otherwise it never happens on a cold morning Eugh

I thought maybe ASD/aspergers, the rigid thinking, the only buying things that would last when you were young (very rigid thinking but does have the kind of autistic logic I see in my lo) and the anxiety and executive function issues fits in with these too. Have a look at autism and selective mute as well. xxx

I have this too I feel so guilty for being like this I just want to go back to normal

Sounds like it could be ASD - really fits with your teenage experience too. Please find a psychologist or psychiatrist experienced in assessing adult women. I know many people who's lives have been changed by getting a diagnosis that fits

@umpteennamechanges

Part of me wonders if having a serious MH episode somehow alters the structure of the brain/neural pathways in some way?

Yes I wonder that too. I was always a bit like this, but nowhere near as bad until the breakdown. I worked full time, and was always on the go. The breakdown was very severe. I was having almost constant panic attacks, lost a lot of weight, couldn't sleep, crying all the time, some delusional thinking like strange thoughts, my house was an absolute mess for a few weeks, like health hazard level, flies the lot because I was convinced the bins shouldn't be taken out . I was scared to contact the GP in case they involved social work, but my DC are older and able to fend for themselves so they didn't but I am so ashamed they witnessed that.

People assured me afterwards that I just needed a rest and I'd get back to normal. I thought that too, but it's been over 6 months I've plateaued at half better.

I too get days I feel better, maybe like 1/2 a week.

@Branleuse I looked up ADD that's definitely not me, but I will look up Asperger's / Autism. Thank you. I'm glad you finally have a diagnosis.

@Rainbows89 It was caused by witnessing the violent killing of someone very very close to me and attack of myself and others very close to me, and then after that, sexual abuse.

The stopping talking and rigid routine stuff was long before any of that though, years before. I don't recall why, I wasn't being bullied or anything. I did have a younger sibling born when I was 10 and I was quite jealous I think, so maybe that.

Snap @historyandhiking I also dread getting out of bed and the few occasions I do manage, I get an overwhelming sense of relief when I climb back in. It's been a long term issue of mine but has become a real problem in the last few years to the point I can no longer function enough to work or look after my basic needs. I hope we can both find a way through this as it is such a miserable existence.

I wonder @historyandhiking if a different type of counsellor might help although I realise thats a risk if you feel your existing one is a point of stability.

If you want to go back into your past and explore why patterns of behaviour have formed, maybe psychodynamic counselling is for you.

If the thought of that scares you and you prefer to stay in the here and now, and see someone who will value your intrinsic worth and sit with you while you try and harness the drive for self-improvement that is innate in all of us, however buried, then maybe humanistic, or person centred counselling might work for you.

If you like reading, I’d suggest you buy on amazon, its about £8, Becoming a Person by Carl Rogers. Only about 90 pages, but I think you might find a lot of peace just by reading it.

To me it sounds like you are expending a lot of psychic energy keeping something down. But thats the opinion of a random on the internet.

Good luck.

www.additudemag.com/add-in-women/

Rainbows89 It was caused by witnessing the violent killing of someone very very close to me and attack of myself and others very close to me, and then after that, sexual abuse

Bloody hell Op, I’m so sorry - no wonder this is affecting you in later life. Would absolutely explain the selective mutism when you were a child also - I don’t think it’s strange at all that you would stop talking after events like this

Reading with interest as I sometimes feel like you also (the inertia, anxiety and feeling overwhelmed by seemingly simple tasks). I’ve wondered if I have ADD traits.

I have given myself 5 mins to reply then have to get up. Yours is the first post ever that describes so much of what I experience. I witnessed a violent trauma when I was a child too. I was dx with inattentive adhd as an adult, unmedicated. Yes to the self neglect. I have not washed or brushed my hair since the end of November. I am wfh full time. I question how I can find it so hard to do anything. I am used to running on adrenaline but no longer have it due to antidepressants, and the covid cocoon.

In all honesty, the only thing that worked, to get me out of it is closing my eyes (this is going to sound mad) and asking the universe for help. For me that is sometimes god, sometimes the universe or something spiritual, like please give me the strength to do x. I don't know it helps me feel less guilty and honestly allows me to them focus without all the thoughts crowding in. I also go into shutdown for days after and am working on this, I think the only thing that works I decided is to move myself closer to the site of the pain i.e the thing I am putting off doing, the inner noise then ramps up and I go back into the asking the universe for help. I only tried this once but it helped. The other trigger for making my obsessiobs worse are low magnesium, lack of social contact, too much time online. Turning off internet now and prob won't come back and check but will be thinking of you. BW.

I'm reading this with interest.

I have this phase too of complete inertia, resent doing any task no matter how simple, will not wash for a few days and feel content but only if in bed. I'm then filled with self loathing and that makes me retreat more.

However, I do have a very high pressured job and this only happens during quieter periods when I can wfh. It's almost like constant pressure keeps me productive (even pressure like having my partner come over), but the minute it's lifted I really struggle. I do also have bursts of playing a lot of sport, socialising loads during the productive period and then struggle to leave my house to even get groceries.

It's affected me on and off for years but getting worse now that I'm in a job where wfh is an option and obv lockdown has made it worse. Though even in an office setting I do struggle to concentrate and leave things till last minute. Was the same as a student with exams, but assumed that was normal procrastination. It's at the point though I've missed work deadlines because I can't even bring myself to start it. Or if I don't start it at a certain time I just can't do it at all. Don't understand it at all as I've never been considered or told I have autism or ADD etc or diagnosed with anxiety or depression.

I just assumed I was being lazy and needed a kick up my arse but reading this thread has made me realise it's not that. Because if it's actually affecting my work and my life something else is going on. Just have no idea what and don't want to just be told I have depression and given ADs.

Chronic fatigue/ME? It’s quite common for people with unexplained fatigue to have traumatic experiences in their pasts. We try to draw a distinction between mental and physical illnesses but of course there isn’t such a clear line between them.

You could look at pacing and other ideas that people living with cfs/me/fibromyalgia etc use to manage their energy and mental resources. Assuming you’ve had everything like thyroid function and vitamin D and whatever else checked out?

Just back on my lunch break. It is executive functioning or lack of that causes it. Relieved to here of others functioning or semi functioning with a job. Nutrition plays a big role. I was dx a few years ago privately out of desparation. Saw Psychiatry UK, cost about 450. Got meds. People say like putting glasses on. Also helped me see the situation more clearly. There is adhd and there is things that make it worse. Its doing more of things that help. Stopped stimulant meds as fed up of anxiety and teeth grinding and insomnia esp in lockdown. There are non stimulants. Found taking Citalopram 10mg (barely a clincially therapeutic dose and keeps side effects to minimim e.g. spaced out) helped. My Psych recommended either Escitalopram or Vortioxetine as good ADs for ADHD as help with focus and motivation. Had to start a med for another condition which has side effects so that is where new struggle has come but am hanging on.

I also have a deadline driven job. I have given up ever feeling like I have cracked it. Best I can hope for is keeping on top and looking after health. My living room floor is covered in items I bought in sales all of which I need to send back. The thought of sorting all through them seems so hard. I think carrying them to the PO and having to queue is putting me off. Plus its also just not as fun as continuing to browse the internet and snapshot things on Pinterest. Perhaps we could use this thread to tackle the one thing that has to be done and is being put off? And by doing so find or remember strategies and hopefully get some confidence back.

I have ordered some books on living with chronic illness as the other condition I have is a right pain in the arse. Really determined to do those two things of keep on top and look after health as the other condition is degenerative.

The other thing is truthfully that it is fine to rest after over stimulation. What I am learning or trying to is how to make that rest actually restful. Scrolling my phone for hours isn't rest, it is low dopamije food, perhaps a long leisurely bath and nine hours good sleep and some gentle yoga. Stopping now or will break internet use rules.

Hi OP

PTS is exhausting and perhaps you're running on empty. Maybe check out Pete Walker's book on Complex PTSD and see if it rings true for you.