For a long time I manage to get by and pretend everything is ok, but that's ok as I don't cause a problem. At the moment I am off the rails and what normally happens is a family member saying see my gp which results in an update of medication i.e. more anti-psychotics to keep me docile. What is the blooming point. They have been doing this since the age of 16 and I am 35 now. Tried lots of different therapies, tried to think myself better but it doesn't work.
I just wish I could switch my life with someone who wants to live. As in if a very sweet & lovely family member, if she got covid then it would be horrible but if I could somehow switch with her then I would. Sometimes the hardest thing is saying that you don't want to live.
I have already tried to question the point of life with a friend but she seemed vulnerable too so I didn't push it. I have emailed samaritans but it will be the normal response. I just don't have anyone else to talm to. I don't have a husband/wife, one best friend (mentioned above) and that's it. I have a Sister but she is going through hell right now and we're not exactly close enough to talk openly about these things.
I know how this will end tonight at least, I won't have the balls to do something permanent, just bruise and hurt myself a bit more. But it is eays to cover up.