Close to calling it quits

[Vates]

For a long time I manage to get by and pretend everything is ok, but that's ok as I don't cause a problem. At the moment I am off the rails and what normally happens is a family member saying see my gp which results in an update of medication i.e. more anti-psychotics to keep me docile. What is the blooming point. They have been doing this since the age of 16 and I am 35 now. Tried lots of different therapies, tried to think myself better but it doesn't work.

I just wish I could switch my life with someone who wants to live. As in if a very sweet & lovely family member, if she got covid then it would be horrible but if I could somehow switch with her then I would. Sometimes the hardest thing is saying that you don't want to live.

I have already tried to question the point of life with a friend but she seemed vulnerable too so I didn't push it. I have emailed samaritans but it will be the normal response. I just don't have anyone else to talm to. I don't have a husband/wife, one best friend (mentioned above) and that's it. I have a Sister but she is going through hell right now and we're not exactly close enough to talk openly about these things.

I know how this will end tonight at least, I won't have the balls to do something permanent, just bruise and hurt myself a bit more. But it is eays to cover up.

@Vates sending lots of love. Don’t do anything there’s lots of people on here and you could always message me.

@Vates - another voice out here offering support and saying life can get better.

Are you saying you've never really identified the underlying cause for your feelings or that you haven't been able to find the right strategy to help you move on?

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. We also usually suggest trying The Samaritans but we can see you've been in touch with them already.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We hope the links are of some use and that somehow things start to feel better for you soon.

Thank you for the responses. I am not trying to take anything off anybody but understand why you have to put that warning up. I am just tired right now of fighting. It all seems pretty much pointless. I would have a few relatives who would miss me and no, I don't relish causing them any grief as they are nice in general. It just gets to a point where you keep hearing people say it will get better and I am scared of getting to old age and still hearing those words. I mostly keep bobbing along and living day to day but with no real purpose. I have tried counselling in all the various forms, had a cpn when I lived in supported housing from 21-26 years old. But no amount of self-care or positive thinking will change things. I get really annoyed as you don't tell tell someone with cancer to think their tumour away or someone who has diabetes to positively banish those shakey sugar levels.

Sometimes not having a close person to share stuff with makes us feel unhappy and like why do we even bother. Do you think if you had a close friend or partner you might feel more loved and included? Could you ring your GP and explain how you feel and see if they can tweak you meds? If you have been taking same ones for a while your body becomes like immune to them so they help you less. Did anything happen to you as a child to make you feel this way? If you hurt yourself there are SIB's groups you can join that know how hard it is for you and understand how you could be feeling. Could you phone a SIB's group? I don't know if they are meeting ATM due to Covid. Can you get some chocolate. I feel better when I have chocolate.

Thank you, caringcarer. I got talked out of my black mood eventually via text by a friend. Sometimes when people are in a hole they can't see a way out at the time, every way looks bleak. It's tough but yes, chocolate definitely helps! I am just grateful I didn't hurt myself badly, I literally tired myself out by either emailing or texting! And yes, I would love to have a partner, as in a romantic sense, to share things with. But literally being almost mute in any social interaction prevents getting to know people/make connections, etc.

Re: medication. Normally changing the risperidone dose changes things in a positive way for months, possibly a year or so. I can't talk on the phone though so bit pointless contacting the gp right now. My gp has treated me since I was 19 and I think she is wonderful but I can't talk to other strangers on the phone.