PND? Lost bond with baby

[Strugglingwithmybaby]

I loved my baby so much after the birth but it’s now gone, or dulled. I think I’ve just detached from him to the point where I feel anger - real furious rage - when I can’t settle him, and take it personally (I know this is really stupid so don’t point this out!)

I’ve mostly managed to keep a lid on it but I’ve just completely lost it and screamed like a mad woman in frustration. He has been crying and unsettled all morning, when I hold him he tries to clamber up me, clawing at me and himself, banging his head on me.

I’ve obviously scared him as he’s now curled up on my chest.

What is happening to me? And what help is there? I’m guessing none given covid.

I don’t have any solid advice but could see you haven’t had any replies so didn’t want you to feel alone. How old is your baby? And how long or how often do you feel like that? If it’s sustained then of course it may be something more serious. But those kinds of feelings are also normal. I’ve had feelings of rage I never knew were in me since having children and so have most women I know. Not all the time but it is normal to feel that way sometimes. And for me the baby’s sleep was a trigger and I kind of took it personally too. Not sure why, but knowing they might get to sleep and I could then rest also felt like the bare minimum to give me a sense of control over the crazy ride that having a baby sends you on. Maybe post in parenting and you may get more responses. Thinking of you.

How old is he? Hope you have some practical support/ someone you can talk to?

I would definitely speak to your GP, sounds like there could well be something going on (maybe you’re just exhausted but who knows!) It’s really good that you’ve recognised that you’re not feeling quite right.

I would call your GP tomorrow and mention this to them as you could have PND. They could refer you for CBT which will help you manage your anger.

Your hormones are all over the place, your aren’t getting much sleep, you may still be in physical pain, covid is a bitch; it’s understandable you don’t feel yourself.

I think it’s worth speaking to your health visitor about. I had PND and it was different from when I had depression. There was this overwhelming sense of anxiety which was often expressed as anger (so many smashed objects). There is help out there, and it sounds like regardless of whether you are mentally unwell or not, you are struggling. You’re not alone and you don’t have to face this alone x

I struggled to bond with my son and also felt the rage. It took me ages to realise what was going on and it was 18 months before I really got anywhere. Speak to your HV, tell them exactly how you’re feeling and please don’t worry, this is pretty normal and they will know how to help you.

For now, breathe that boy in and ask those around you for help. As you have a child under one I think I’m right in saying that you’re allowed a support bubble? Could you ask your mum or a close friend to come?

He’s just under 3 weeks. I’ve only met the HV once so don’t feel comfortable raising anything. Thanks, though. It’s just sad. I loved him so much at the start and now I don’t.

Can you talk to your GP then?

I haven’t actually met my GP yet! I changed surgeries this year so I was at the same one as DP and obviously they haven’t been seeing anyone due to covid.

Hi I think at the 3 week stage I felt so tired almost haunted, my daughter cried constantly and looking back I think it was colic, it was so hard, she has just turned 2 and life is easier.

Please talk to someone as it's horrible for you to feel like this and you need urgent support so you can look after your baby and enjoy the experience.

When in a stressful situation whether it's baby screaming or another situation I try and think to myself that I will get through this, whether it's the next minute or the next five minutes this stress will pass and other people are going through the same thing, my daughter constantly wanted to feed, she was breastfed and I thought it was cluster feeding but it was wind I think and she was uncomfortable, a constant screaming baby when you are tired is one of the hardest things ( it's used as a torture method- people having to listen to a screaming baby sounds for hours)!!!

People won't judge you if you talk to them, whether it's health visitor, G.P or someone you trust

Hi OP. My DD has just turned 6 months and I wasted the first 5 months of her life feeling just as you have described. I thought things would get better on their own, was just hormones etc but really they just got worse. I ended up being completely resentful towards her and did nothing for her or with her other than feed her, my partner had to do everything else. Then I went to my GP (phone consultation) and was prescribed sertraline. 6 weeks later I have my life and love for my baby back. Please consider going to your doctor. Don't waste the same amount of time I did thinking it would get better. I'll never get the first 5 months of my daughters life back x

Just to add, my GP was incredibly kind and supportive. I was terrified to admit I didn't love my baby and you've already managed that, so you're doing better than me. Please reach out for help x

I don’t think you can breastfeed on that though.

I have been exclusively breastfeeding, one of the reasons I put off going to the doctor is because I thought antidepressants would prevent me breastfeeding but my GP said it's safe and very common x

Hi there Struggling,

You poor thing. You sound like you're having a proper time of it. It all sounds very familiar and quite normal, but that's not to say you don't deserve to get the right help and support. There is lots out there and even with Covid, lots of the support lines are running.

Have a look at our page on PND here. There's lots of advice and suggestions there as well as some links to support and help. We'd definitely advice you to speak with a midwife, health visitor or GP and tell them how you're feeling so they can get the ball rolling with some help. We're sure there will be lots more people along soon who've been there and got the t-shirt and can offer you more practical advice.

You're doing a great job at a really difficult time, though. Hang in there. Things do get better and love is definitely something that grows slowly, rather than appears overnight.

Thanks hebe and thank you oli, it’s really upsetting to be feeling like this. I think I do drill love him but other feelings have got in the way.

Hey, Struggling. Yes, that's exactly it. There's just SO MUCH STUFF when you have a baby anyway and your world is turned on its head. (I speak as someone who once talked to people in black cloaks that I knew weren't real, standing in the corners of rooms, about how to stop my newborn crying - so you're definitely not alone). Thinking clearly through the pain and exhaustion is nigh on impossible anyway. And that's all in ''normal times". I can't imagine how going through the newborn phase in a pandemic must be. It all doesn't leave much room for this magic bonding and love that's meant to appear by osmosis.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and seek out and accept all the help you can. You and everyone else with a newborn are making history here. So there's no shame in getting any help at all on offer. Speaking to a GP is definitely a good idea. They'll be able to help you work out if some anti-depressants or other help is the order of the day or if this is something you might just work your way through with a bit of support. Everyone's different and there's no right or wrong but sometimes we need someone else to hold our hand a bit through the most difficult bit.