Everything is just getting worse

[wombatsandaplant]

I’m getting increasingly suicidal. This has been going on months and there’s nothing that can be done. I can’t change meds so what the fuck am I meant to do. The only answer I can think of is suicide. I just want to make everything stop. It’s unlikely I’ll do it but I really fucking want to. Nothing is making this feeling go away. I don’t speak to the psychiatrist till the 6th and there’s nothing he can do. So what the fuck is the point. I’m fucking fed up.

I’m in the same boat

Sending you both hugs tonight- it must be a real struggle for you especially at this time of the year. I wonder if there is anyone in real life that you can reach out to? Xx

So sorry to hear you both are going through this. I heard someone say recently to think of it as a bad chapter in a very long book. I know it won't seem like it just now but it can and will get better. I've been in a similar situation years ago and I know just how awful it is and how loneliness can make it so much worse.
Is it particularly the lockdown/isolation/pandemic that has led to these feelings, or were you feeling like this before?

I have two people I can reach out to but I don’t want to bother them yet again, the past week I’ve been in tears to one of them and we’ve talked for like an hour.

I’ve felt this bad the past 3 years and I’ve been depressed for 16 years (since I was 9). I’m just so fed up. The first lockdown was good for me, as I was feeling almost okay. But this time, it won’t make much difference day to day but overall I just feel so down.

You won't be bothering them - please reach out. If I knew one of my friends or a member of my family was feeling like you do, I would speak to them all day every day until they started to turn a corner if necessary.
I'm so sorry to hear you've been suffering for so long. It might not be tomorrow or the next day but it can get better. Do you have a support team/psychiatrist/therapist? Is there anything that has helped in the past?

Ive got a psychiatrist and private psychologist, I should be getting a cpn again soon but she hasn’t been in contact yet and it’s been like 2 -3 weeks since I was referred. The only thing that’s helped is meds. I have psychosis which is the main issue.

Are you taking medication at the moment?
If things become unbearable you know you can call 999 or present yourself at A&E.
I don't know much about psychosis but I've experienced debilitating depression in the past and I know how difficult it is to get out of a state of mind like that.
Just try to take it an hour at a time x

Yes I am taking medication but I don’t believe it’s doing anything.

Thank you.

I am in a similar situation. I have been suicidal on and off for 10 years. I have managed to ignore those thoughts and have not killed myself but I have hurt myself a lot in the past. I'm also waiting for my next therapy session on the 4th Jan.

Although it does feel like there is nothing anyone can do, what they can actually do is help you help yourself, and help you get ready/guide you towards getting yourself in a better place. Keep going for that appointment, and keep talking on here. I'm here with you in a very similar boat. We can do this together

I can’t see a way forward today. The only thing stopping me doing it is my daughter, but I don’t even know if she’s enough to stop me now . I love her so much but I can’t keep pretending to be happy. I can’t carry on doing this.

I feel similar, though I have no children. I promised my dads partner that I wouldn’t do anything. But I just so badly want too. I’m just not coping.

I’m waiting for them to process my new style esa application. I’m just stressing. My psychiatrist won’t let me on any other antipsychotics. I’m just fed up big time.

I’m feeling even worse now. I’m just going downhill.

What’s the thing you can do which most distracts you from how you’re feeling? Movies, hot bath? Watching motivational stuff on YouTube? Tony Robbins is good for absorbing distraction and pumping out a crazy positive message. Whether you like that stuff or not sometimes the change of energy can do something.

How can you disrupt the negative spiral? What has worked in the past?

Im watching Disney vlogs. It doesn’t really help though. But it doesn’t take much energy to watch.

Nothing ever helps. I just feel like a complete failure.

I do feel for you op. I am in the same position. I just don’t know how much longer I can go on. I think that my family would be relieved. They are fed up with me being like this.

I had to Google Disney vlogs! That’s great distraction and comfort right there. Are there any podcasts you like? Books? What are your fave foods?

Nah you’re not a failure. None of us are ever really successes or failures. That’s just a construct. Kick off that falsehood for a start. You’re good - maybe you need to work on being nicer to yourself, that’s all.

I don’t like podcasts too many words, books are also too many words. Food I like sandwich and crisps.

Even this thread has too many words and I’m struggling with it.

Words are getting so much more difficult lately and I’m mixing words up even more. I hate it.

Op do you have a pet? I find my dog great comfort when I’m struggling x

I have two dogs (well they’re sort of mine but my dad looks after them) and a kitty who is with me right now. She’s sleeping by my feet.

Sorry you’re having such a rough time.
What do you have planned for the new year?

Oh so cute crisps. One of my dogs destroys soft toys so we can’t buy any lol.

I don’t really have plans for the new year. Just sewing things on my new sewing machine. It’s nice and easy, at least what I’m sewing.

Two dogs and a cat - you are very pet wealthy ! Animals are amazing.

Sewing machine sounds great too.

I'm with you OP, managed to get my anti depressants increased again just before Xmas. Now on maximum dose and waiting for them to start working again.

How are you with audiobooks? I totally get the too many words thing. I can't watch films, read books etc but can lie in bed and listen to a good audiobook. Takes very little effort but stops me overthinking all the shit stuff that makes me feel crap. Usually helps
me to sleep too.

to you. I know it's so hard.