To ask what it's like being raised my a depressed parent?

[DebbieDowner101]

Been suffering with depression/suicidal feelings all my life, but a mixture of having 2 toddlers and being in this horrible new normal is really testing me like never before. I've tried to kill myself before and definitely would again if I didn't have DC.

I suppose my question is, if I'm going to stick around then what does the future look like for my DC with me in it with them?

I'm functional but it's definitely obvious I'm struggling immensely. My DC are 2 and 3 so pretty oblivious at the moment, but I dread being a negative impact in their life.

Obviously mean by*

I couldn’t read and run. Your post left a lump in my throat, I honestly wish I could do/say something to make things better! If only it was so easy.

OP, you are such a good parent - how many parents actively acknowledge their own issues AND consider the implications of those issues on their babies? Not many. So well done for that, first of all. Your kids are lucky to have a mum like you.

Secondly, I think all parents have their own baggage which affects their children differently. We’re all human, it’s unlikely that anyone’s memories of childhood and parents are 100% perfect and happy.

I am typing on a phone so can’t say much but I just wanted to say, OP, make sure you get help for yourself. You deserve to be heard and have time to process how you’re feeling. I’ve been in your place (with 3 babies under 6) and it is sickening, scary at worst. I got better, other people have too. It’s not perfect by any means but it’s a lot better and the suicidal feelings have gone.

Lots of love to you. I hope your journey gets better. It’s also extra hard with small babies so take it easy on yourself. I’m sure your kids love you to pieces.

That's a heavy question. It's one I've thought about myself since I struggle with my mental health.

My Dad has depression and suffered from it throughout my childhood. His depression expressed itself a lot as anger; he was never violent but he was very verbally combative. Honestly I only really became aware of his depression in my teenage years. It certainly did have an impact on me then, though; his low moods often made me feel unhappy and as I got older and he shared more of his feelings with me (including his own thoughts about suicide) I also worried about him.

If you had asked me at 16 what it was like being raised by someone with depression I would have said it was pretty bad. Now with the benefit of hindsight I know there is a lot more to my Dad than his depression; he is a generous and loving person and I hope above all other things that he never acts on the impulses he told me about when I was a teen. Even in the midst of it, there were ups as well as downs, and if you'd asked me if I'd rather have my Dad with all his moods than not have him and I'd have said in a heartbeat I'd rather have him, moods and all.

I also think my Dad is of a generation for which dealing with mental health is much harder, and he unfortunately didn't get the support he really needed for most of my childhood. It sounds like you are self-reflective about your mental health issues which is a big first step to getting help. Indeed, I think openness may well be the best way to overcome a negative impact on kids. It wasn't until I was 17 or so that I realised that my Dad was the way he was due to an illness, and that helped me a lot. I think my approach, if I find my mental health causing me to be a less-than-ideal mother to my DC, is to be open with them: to say I'm sorry, I was horrid today, it's because of this illness, it's not because of you.

I don't think having a parent with depression inevitably means a bad childhood or you having a negative impact on them. As with all things in life the way you handle it makes the difference.

I think the make-or-break thing is whether or not you're getting help. My husband has miserable memories of the first ten years of his life, with a mother who wept constantly, couldn't get out of bed some days,was fragile and unpredictable and deeply unhappy, but refusing to get help. To this day she struggles with depression, but when he was 11 his dad issued an ultimatum and she finally saw a doctor, got medicated and got better. My husband has a much more positive memory of his childhood from that point on.

They would always always rather that you were around no matter how much you feel they would be better off without you. Obviously this is so long as you are not neglecting or abusing them mentally, physically or sexually.
Just sitting quietly on the sofa and being someone they can cuddle up to is enough to make them feel loved and secure.
It is hard work having a 2 and 3 year old so it will drain you. It will improve once they're both at primary school in many ways.

Genuinely sorry to hear of your struggles OP. No one can say how much they will be affected.
My mentally ill dad would do and say things that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Whilst functional, he was 'honest' about being suicidal. When in a bad state, would often tell us how he wouldn't be there for us growing up, would never see us married, that he would never be an old man. He did commit suicide.
Do you have, or have you tried to get support and help?

I have wondered the same thing. I have a one year old son and this first year of his life has included myself having an MH crisis with similar feelings to you. I do worry about the impact on him. It furthermore adds to the guilt and upset that having a mental health condition already presents. Sending you a hug OP

That sounds bloody tough, OP, but please, please do not feel you are impacting negatively on your DC. You sound wonderfully thoughtful. They need you and will love you no matter what.

I grew up with a depressive mother and although I’ve struggled with depression myself as a teen/young adult, I got better with help (she too is much better than she was, although she’s always refused to access help so I think she’d be better off still if she would). We are very close now and our relationship is a million times better than it was in my teens when she was clearly struggling a lot. She is a wonderful grandma too. I am just so thankful she stuck around and in can’t imagine life without her.

Have you spoken to your GP about any of this? Depression in normal times is fucking awful; depression in a pandemic with two toddlers must feel like a living hell (especially if you’re not sleeping), but you can and will get through it. Please do push for the help you need, and don’t be afraid to ask family/friends for support if you can

My mom has struggled with depression throughout her life. I love her so much. I don’t ever doubt that she loved me and my sister. Do I wish she hadn’t suffered all that emotional pain? Yes, of course. Would I have been better off with her? No, she is my mother, and no one has ever loved me more.

This is a really tough time OP. You don’t have to be perfect to be making a positive impact in your children’s lives.

I'm sorry op. That all sounds awful.

I think the fact you've recognised and questioned this is a great step. I've struggled with what I thought was depression and anxiety my sons whole life, but was actually an undiagnosed condition which spiralled out of control and he's had to see and hear things I really wish he hadn't. But, I got help, medication and therapy and I'm on the road to things looking brighter. There are loads of child friendly books out there, like The Colour Thief, that can explain in age appropriate ways what it can be like to suffer depression. I talk to my 5 Yr old about seeing the special nurse for my head, why we need to go out even if irs raining to get fresh air etc. You can and will get through this and they will love you every step of the way. Sending love.

A poorly parent is better than no parent and you are obviously a better parent than you think because you are looking for help

My good friend suffered terribly with PND. It was very tough for her when her girls were small because like you she always put them first.

As the children got older, she got more support from outside the home and herself put in systems to help cope with the normal family household chaos.

Her girls will never remember the mess their lovely mother was in during their early years. They are really proud of the way she looks after them and takes time to manage herself. The older one was chatting to me about managing exam stress, her mum has been fantastic at keeping her grounded through her exam years.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our

Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly

I feel bad posting because I really don’t want to make you feel worse, but, it was awful. My mum has had depression my whole life and it made my childhood miserable. Our relationship is only better now I’m in my thirties and have been away from home for more than a decade. It coloured everything and it sucked the joy out of everything. I don’t have many happy memories of my childhood at all. BUT she never ever sought helps. She doesn’t believe in antidepressants and mocks counselling.

You need to actively engage with the GP and get all the help you can. If you do this it’ll improve everything I’m sure. Just please don’t do nothing and condemn your children to a lifetime of misery like I have.

My Dad was depressed. He wanted to be left alone and pretty much ignored me as a result and we grew apart. He wasn’t a negative influence - just absent. It did create a gap in my life because I wanted to do stuff together and have a relationship but that didn’t happen. But I was young so I just shrugged and got on with my life. It’s only as I’ve got older and had my own kids that I realised I regret not having the chance of that close parental relationship with my own parent. We both missed out because he didn’t want me. But it is what it is, I don’t think about it a whole lot because it wasn’t my choice.

Thank you to everyone that's taken the time to reply. I genuinely really appreciate it.

I've been in and out the mental health system for years (currently out) and this thread has been a wake up call to ring the GP and get back in it. I'm medicated but I know that's not enough.

Awful. My Dad projected so much of his own low self-self esteem on to me and in fact in the most text book case of projection I can imagine, I somehow emerged in our family narrative as ''emotional'', ''paranoid'' and ''difficult''. They really have not let these labels go, in decades. My dad went to a psychiatric hospital more than once, one time he had paranoia. He thought everybody was talking about him. He projected this on to me. My mum strangely backed him up in it. She was so exhausted dealing with him there was no room for a single other emotion in the household. We were to go to school come home, eat sleep be no trouble and she was and still is very ANGERED by any emotion.

All fine on the surface though ykwim. My parents go to church and would believe that their only problem is their ungrateful daughter. I see the disfunction and I can't unsee it while they are still mired and entrenched and buckled in to their defense mechanisms.

@DonkeyMcFluff

My Dad was depressed. He wanted to be left alone and pretty much ignored me as a result and we grew apart. He wasn’t a negative influence - just absent. It did create a gap in my life because I wanted to do stuff together and have a relationship but that didn’t happen. But I was young so I just shrugged and got on with my life. It’s only as I’ve got older and had my own kids that I realised I regret not having the chance of that close parental relationship with my own parent. We both missed out because he didn’t want me. But it is what it is, I don’t think about it a whole lot because it wasn’t my choice.

I think I have a mother wound and a father wound.

I was very hard on MYSELF, no sense of myself, trying to please everybody by being as perfect and as accommodating as I could be.

And on top of that I was not assertive, couldn't defend a boundary, couldn't identify what I was good at, what I wanted to aim for, I had no ambition.

Double dungeon they call a mother wound and a father wound.

Couldn't read without a tear tbh. I feel the same and it was one of the reasons I chose not to have children ever but now have my little boy. I adore himbut worry I'm a terrible parent.
I have had cbt for pnd and have a good support network. I was borderline suicidal over the first lock down and struggled. My sisters are having 'real' problems due to job losses and deaths, and I struggled without fmailysupport.
Your children adore you and honestly as long as not abusive or neglectful they wnat you around.
My mom told me if you worry your doing a bad job and getting help or seeking to do better then you just arnt bad. It's true.
If your children are clothed, warm, cuddled and fed then your doing okay. If they are happy mostof the time your doing excellent.
Go easy on yourself op, hard to do as I never manage it but please do. You got this.

Hi, I am a single mother to a three year old and suffer from depression. Times are tough at the moment and I have had days where I have thought if it wasn't for my child I would not be here. However I have had these feeings long enough now that I know if I can hang in there they will pass and I will have better days again. The last couple of days have been horrible for me and I will now be having Christmas and New Year (and goodness knows how much longer now) alone.
My depression affects my parenting, I completely lost my rag at her several times yesterday and screamed at her for normal toddler behaviour. I also realise that it is not fair on her and that my behaviour is unreasonable so that is when I need to put on an activity that she enjoys that needs minimal input from me. We ended the day having takeaway icecream at the beach it was absolutely Baltic but she loved it. Life is very hard for you at the moment and at 21 I found it so much harder to realise that these thoughts will pass. It is an illness not your true self. Please go to your Dr for more help. Could you have some games/activities that you keep away from the kids and only give them to them when you are having a really bad day? Have you considered moving elsewhere in the country, maybe a council house swap? It could open up more opportunities for you or your children. Your children are much better off having you as a mother. Xx

It does impact kids, but suicide would impact them much much more. There has been two suicides I know of over the last few years and the children, (adult and teenagers) are traumatised. So I hope you can get some support from GP. Also, do you get enough sleep/rest/a break? Sometimes I think it’s not depression, it’s actually just burn out and exhaustion. Or a combination of both.

Hi OP, is the father of the children on the scene? My husband suffers from depression & anxiety & we were very much on the verge of losing him at one point. He’s well-medicated now & has engaged in some talking therapy but it’s tough at the moment. I was able to shield my child from most of the effects I think but he needs space to get well. Take any support you can to look after yourself. Oxygen mask on first & all that.

My son’s father suffers with depression . My son is adult now but what affected him most was his dad’s lack of interest in him and what he was doing . His dad was also very critical of him. All he really wanted was his dad’s time and attention. It sounds like you love your children do just spend time with them when you are able.

Sorry I am sure you love your children . Just keep showing them. I think they will be fine .