Going to the docs this morning to tell them I'm not coping, agh.

[Moomalicious]

Hi, I'm sorry, this will probably be a long one.

I just really feel like I'm not coping at the moment. I have a history of depression, had pnd and was under the care of a psychiatrist for a while, have SAD (though i've bought an SAD lamp and that is helping a bit) and a 3yo son who is driving me insane at the moment. He started preschool, hates it and has stopped sleeping and is waking in the night and refusing to go back to sleep. I'm exhausted, feel like I'm constantly on the verge of the flu, ache all over and even when my monster sleeps I wake up and can't get back to sleep. I collapse into a bawling heap every time my lo has a tantrum and look like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards most of the time.

I just feel so guilty that I am unable to do what I fought so hard to be able to (sahm). Everyone I know either works ft or pt, their children are happy, social, eat what they are given and love their preschools. Their houses are clean, tidy and organised and they are always fully made up and looking perfect no matter how little sleep they've had. And here's me, lucky if I hoover and clean the bathroom and kitchen once a week, begging my dh to buy us a take away, tying my hair up as I'm just too exhausted to be bothered to wash it and unable to move off the armchair for most of the day. What a failure. I'm even beginning to wonder if the reason my husband doesn't really want any more children (and nor do I tbh) is because he doesn't think I can cope.

So, i'm going to the doctors this morning (10.20) to tell them all this. I hate ad's, have never had any luck with them helping me much and generally tend to take them for a couple of weeks, struggle with the side effects and then stop taking them and end up feeling even worse. I just can't see a way out at the moment, our house is full to bursting and I desperately need to sort it out but I just don't know where to start, it get's me down so much.

Please tell me I'm not the only one living like this!?

oh dear

you poor thing

you sounds really low

ADs do help, unfotuntately , you have to get through the side effects first. which is usually a couple of weeks. but they really can help. also, counselling can be very beneficial..

of course you are not the only one living like this, just looking at the 'feeling depressed' board on here, you can see you are certainly not alone..

good luck at the docs

You could be describing me on my bad weeks (or )

I am on a low few weeks, scraping myself through - you are not the only one living like this

xx

Thanks, I've had counselling before, and seen a psychiatrist, and a cbt pschologist for panic attacks. Geez, I'm messed up.

I'm so worried about my son being affected by this. My grandmother is bipolar (I didn't go to my referral for this diagnosis as I was petrified) and I know that my mother and siblings were seriously affected by it. My son already asks me if I'm okay and tells me to put my 'happy lamp' on. He even apologises for making me sad if I cry and it's hardly his fault the poor child. What a mess eh? If I could just get off my lazy ass and get the house sorted I know I'd start to feel a bit better.

I'm afraid life is full of phases, good and bad and this sounds like a bad one but it will not go on endlessly. Even the bad times pass. Hope the doctor is sympathetic and you come away with a feeling there is a way forward.

Why is your ds unhappy with preschool? Have you spoken to his teacher?

I worry about my children being affected too - I felt terrible last night... I yelled at DD for scattering lots of little squares of paper at the top of the stairs. It turns out that each one had a drawing on, she left them there for me to see them to make me happy

Ds has always been with me, we have no family around and although I do have friends we meet up with for him to play with other kids I'm not originally from this area so don't have tons of friends with kids for him to play with. He's just not settling, is screaming when I leave him and tantruming when I even mention we are going. When he's there he's lashing out at other children if they are telling him he can't play or that whatever he's playing with isn't what he's pretending it is (he's got an amazing imagination, which is something I always encourage but he just doesn't cope when someone tells him the magic wand he's casting spells with is a measuring jug!). He misses me basically I think. His teachers are being understanding but obviously they have to discipline him and are doing exactly what I do with removing him from the situation and then popping him on a chair for a time out if it continues. Sadly he's then tantruming and threw the chair the other day! I just feel like this is such a reflection on my parenting and that I've somehow done him a disservice by not preparing him for this period of his life.

Aw, Flamebat, you sound exactly like me. Poor you, I'd have felt terrible about that too but when you feel so bad a load of pieces of paper at the top of the stairs is the last thing you need.

When she told me I sat and sobbed, and then she wanted to know why mummy was crying

This doesn't sound right to me.

Are you sure your problems are psychological? Because this degree of fatigue sounds like Chronic Fatigue, not depression.

Obviously if you are this tired, you will be depressed because you cannot achieve anything/function in daily life.

It is not normal not to have enough energy to look after oneself, one's house, one's husband and one normal-if-energetic three year old.

Of course you feel totally miserable if you are sitting in a messy house without sufficient energy to attack the chores.

Please try to get your doctor to investigate physical causes

I don't know what's worse, the constant tears or shouting at them for tiny things. I've been trying really hard not to shout recently and I think I just end up imagining i'm throwing stuff at the wall or crying! I suppose it's better than throwing real stuff at the wall

Depression often leaves you feeling like that!

I was investigated for all kinds of things throughout my teens, it was only when I reached 20 and changed doctors that they said it was depression (like it was so obvious I should have known years before).

The lower you get, the more lethargic you feel, you can't sleep as well so you get more exhausted, more lethargic, lower still.... vicious circle.

Anna, I think i'm just stuck in a catch 22, I'm not sleeping cause I'm depressed, which is making me more depressed and therefore I'm finding it harder to sleep. I will explain everything to the docs though. The aches and pains are worrying but I could just be incredibly run down.

If you are incredibly tired, for whatever reason, you will be unable to function.

Are you anxious? Does that stop you sleeping?

Yep, when I wake in the night I worry about absolutely everything and lie there wondering if ds is going to wake up and jump and panic at every little noise. When I hear something that I think could be ds getting up I literally break out in a sweat.

hi

also have a monster three year old
i have not even put him kindergarten due to problems with one we tried
and now money probs
also have no close friends here
also feel shattered
also have a teenager

wish you tons of luck with the docs and things brighten for you

Moomalicious - probably some counselling would help you get your worries in perspective . Because you really need to get some sleep...

I'd really rather pull my ds out of preschool and go to more mums and tots groups and stuff but everyone I speak to tells me it's the last thing I should do (he's only done a week and a half) but my gut instinct tells me he's not ready. Sadly I don't drive either so I'm limited to what we can walk to and as most other children his age are in preschool the mums and toddlers groups are a bit too young for him. I don't feel like I can either push my opinion or make a decision at the moment. I'm sorry for your money worries cupcake, they're the worst. We've been in strife several times since ds was born with redundancies and stuff but thankfully we've just got it all sorted with yet another remortgage. At least we have money to pay the bills and a little left over for once.

talk to the nursery about your worries

money is soo annoying dh does not have a good attitude to it but a good job with crap pay

we are in a minority
i have never done mother and toddlers
and will have another run in with mil over the kindergarten
at the mo i have no car and today ds is ill again and feel like hiding

i really hope things turn around for you

and i am also not the calmest mother around
again good luck

Best of luck to you too. It's so hard being the one who doesn't just do as everyone else does. I have spoken to nursery, they're fairly solid on me not staying with him, making him go five sessions and sticking with it, but then they would be!

found the kindergarten want all children to go five mornings even if it is not necessary

we went for along walk into town

well ds was snuggled in pushchair
i think he sees the pushchair as our car

see how the nursery goes you do not have to use it
i feel for us to try at the mo would create extra probs

good luck with what ever choices you take

Hi,
I read your original post and you sound like me! Everyone I know seems to have perfect houses, perfect looks and generally have it all sorted while I feel chaos creeps up on me if I stop for a minute. My DS is a bit younger than yours but baby groups fill me with dread because I feel so inferior.
Not much help i know, but just want you to know you're not alone!

Glad you've got out of the house for the morning, we're just back ourselves. Doc gave me some citalopram (i've had them before and had terrible side effects) but with a half dose to wean me on them. Got some sleeping tabs too, though I don't know how i'm going to get on with those if I have to get up in the night for sleep training ds. Hope everyone is having something nice for lunch.

Well I've had the first decent nights sleep in I don't know how long , took a sleeping tablet at just after ten and although i woke up a bit in the early hours, I didn't open my eyes and just rolled over and went back to sleep, without the first thought of a panic attack. Even ds slept, didn't get out of bed after dh tucked him in for the first time in weeks and only woke up after dh's alarm went off around 6.40am, so i've slept until almost 7.30 (as dh keeps him amused whilst he's getting ready for work).

Have taken my first citalopram, I'm really hoping that the docs plan of weaning me on to them works well as last time I took them the side effects were unbearable but I've got high hopes.

Hope everyone else is feeling as positive as I am today, if not feel free to vent

Boo , friends are coming round in a hour and i've still got loads of cleaning and tidying to do and my energy levels have just hit rock bottom. Wish I'd rung them earlier and said I couldn't make it.