Going to the docs this morning to tell them I'm not coping, agh.

[Moomalicious]

Hi, I'm sorry, this will probably be a long one.

I just really feel like I'm not coping at the moment. I have a history of depression, had pnd and was under the care of a psychiatrist for a while, have SAD (though i've bought an SAD lamp and that is helping a bit) and a 3yo son who is driving me insane at the moment. He started preschool, hates it and has stopped sleeping and is waking in the night and refusing to go back to sleep. I'm exhausted, feel like I'm constantly on the verge of the flu, ache all over and even when my monster sleeps I wake up and can't get back to sleep. I collapse into a bawling heap every time my lo has a tantrum and look like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards most of the time.

I just feel so guilty that I am unable to do what I fought so hard to be able to (sahm). Everyone I know either works ft or pt, their children are happy, social, eat what they are given and love their preschools. Their houses are clean, tidy and organised and they are always fully made up and looking perfect no matter how little sleep they've had. And here's me, lucky if I hoover and clean the bathroom and kitchen once a week, begging my dh to buy us a take away, tying my hair up as I'm just too exhausted to be bothered to wash it and unable to move off the armchair for most of the day. What a failure. I'm even beginning to wonder if the reason my husband doesn't really want any more children (and nor do I tbh) is because he doesn't think I can cope.

So, i'm going to the doctors this morning (10.20) to tell them all this. I hate ad's, have never had any luck with them helping me much and generally tend to take them for a couple of weeks, struggle with the side effects and then stop taking them and end up feeling even worse. I just can't see a way out at the moment, our house is full to bursting and I desperately need to sort it out but I just don't know where to start, it get's me down so much.

Please tell me I'm not the only one living like this!?

open big cupboard chuck things in
glad you had a good sleep

managed to fall out with a good friend via phone and email oh well

Aw, I really feel for you, we fell out with some good friends back in May, recently tried to sort it out and simply made it worse. It's really hard as they are friends within my dh's group of friends, some from infant school. I hope you don't feel too terrible about it and if you want to sort it out don't leave it too long or it get's really hard. I wish we'd just sorted the original argument out the day after but you know how it is with these things. Lol @ the cupboard idea. I have none empty enough to chuck it all in. I'm thinking of getting a skip.

I feel the similar, if it's any help. I am currently off work with anxiety & have been taking citalopram since August.

I started with 20mg, side effects were dry mouth, yawning & tired. Moved up to 30mg, no side effects & am now on 40mg. Side effects were tiredness again.

The ad's are keeping me going, although I was hoping to feel some sort of euphoria.

I try to do one thing a day, wash the floor, hang out washing, go to the shops. Anything out of the ordinary starts the simmer of anxiety & I usually end up in bed with a very bad headache.

So, just to let you know, you're not alone & instead of finding an empty cupbaord, just find a cupboard. The next day open the doors, the next get a bin bag to clear it out etc etc. One step at a time.

Thanks mojo, I guess I should be thinking one step at a time but at the moment I can't see the wood for the trees so to speak. I'm not really expecting to start feeling any better until after the docs have increased me to 20mg in a fortnight. He's just put me on this half dose to start me off as last time I was on them I was shaking and quivering and twitching all over and had such bad anxiety that I just stopped taking them and went to bed. Needless to say I'm not overjoyed to be on them again. I'm having a real low day today. Nothing in particular, just low. I do hope you start feeling better soon.

Hi there I know how you feel I sit and look at all the mess around me, that depresses me, and don't have the energy to do anything about it. my lo is 13 mths old and is brill which makes me feel worse. because I feel
I should be happy at home with her. I don't know how to get out of this slump I'm in.

I always find that if I say that to anyone I know in rl the immediate response I get is 'maybe it's time to go back to work'. It just makes me even more depressed to think that other's think the reason i'm depressed is because i'm at home all the time. Don't know if anyone else has the same?

"their children are happy, social, eat what they are given and love their preschools. Their houses are clean, tidy and organised and they are always fully made up and looking perfect no matter how little sleep they've had." - that is only what YOU see, please don't assume that everybody else is coping, they are probably not and you will only put more pressure on yourself. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors and most people don't admit it when they are struggling or feeling down.

I went to the doctors about this time last year as I was struggling to copy with two dds (2 and 5) a pretty stressful p/t job and looking after a home, that was even with DH being as helpful and supportive as he could (his job was very stressful at the time). The doctor was pretty sure that I wasn't depressed but suffering from stress. The main advice she gave me was to not put so much pressure on myself especially by comparing myself to others and to try and get sometime to myself - I joined a gym. A year on and I do cope better but I have my moments! In fact I think I suffer from SAD too and I do find this time of year very difficult.

I am not sure if any of this as been helpful but I suggest along with the ADs that you try and give yourself an hour to sit and think how you could change things e.g. get more help, have some time to yourself.

I worked for 16 years in the same job. I went on maternity leave and got made redundant. So now I've lost friends from work because you do lose touch. I've got no real family near me (still trying to deal with the grief of losing 2 grandparents an uncle, my dog and my Mum all in the space of a couple of years)so although I love my partner and baby I do feel lost and lonely.I don't know if finding a new job will help, but then I feel guilty about leaving lo. I go round and round in circles driving myself mad.

have you any local friends you can meet up ?

I found that I was isolating myself, without realising it, so the I decided I'd make a phone call a day - of course starting in a couple of days time !

Setting up coffee & playdates, or going for a walk with a friend is a great pick me up. I invite friends to my house as well, cos it's so much less stressful & chatting to someone in the morning is always a good pick me up.

It's horrible having low days, a good cup of coffee & warm clothes get me through those days & the thought that tomorrow is another day.

Also try not to beat yourself up with the woods/trees. By choosing one thing - maybe it's washing you hair, putting a wash on, clearing the dishwasher, they are all tasks. Just to one & that's it - nothing else to do for the day. I'm actually quite amazed when I do it...having said that I'm 4 days late for my visit to the post office

I have realised I am isolating myself a bit. you get to the point where you think everyone else has this fantastic life and won't have time for you. I think at this time rational thinking has gone out the window. I do try and get out for walks that blows away the cobwebs. and a cadbury's caramel is also very comforting

Hi moomalicious, hope you are doing ok. You sound so like me. Your post really struck a cord with me. I am a SAHM with a 17 month old dd. I have never felt able to cope since she was born. My problem is more to do with the fact that I am anxious every minute of the day and night. I just cannot relax and find it hard to sleep. I have totally lost control of the house work and it is like a bomb site here most days. I am ashamed to admit that usually after his days work my dh ends up doing the washing up to try and stay on top of things. All I can manage to get done in a day is to cook a nice meal and maybe put on a wash.
My sisters have arranged for me to go and see a counsellor as they are worried by how low I always am these days and about my high level of anxiety all the time. I really hope the counselling will help.

Cardy, I have no doubt there is a lot that I don't see going on behind closed doors but even those who are constantly complaining that their houses are a state and their kids are running them ragged seem to get more done than me. I know I shouldn't compare but you all know how hard that is.

Mojo, I do have a local group of friends that I meet up with and have done so once a week since our dc's were all around 8 weeks old. The group got smaller and smaller as people went back to work, either pt or ft and after the only other sahm moved away in the summer i'm the only one left with all week to do as I please. Even those that work pt seem to have a jam packed weekly routine of family play dates/shopping/grandparent days and although I have phoned them all regularly in the past for meet ups/walks etc, I've more or less given up as no one seems to have the spare time for me. I desperately need to find a few more friends but as I don't drive it's really hard.

Mumtodd, we sound like peas in a pod. I've never felt like i've recovered from a distressing birth, failed breastfeeding and unsleeping baby. From the day ds was born I've felt an inadequate failure. Don't spose you're in Leeds!?

hi

simply tired today

live abroad for second time silly choice

ds and i had fun making meringues though

simply try to care for yourself and be strong
harder said than done
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Hi Moomalicious, unfortunately not in Leeds, not even in the same country. I am one of the many Irish mumsnetters around.
I really feel for you with the housework - I have the exact same problem and on one hand I feel so isolated but another part of me dreads any one calling around cos the house in such a state. On a positive note today I managed to give the bathroom a good clean and feel very pleased about that. I know its only a small step but it shows dh I am really trying and he appreciates the effort.
I have my first appointment to meet a counsellor tomorrow and not sure what to expect. I really need to do something to help me control my anxiety and start to see some joy in the world again. I really love my dd and dh but my anxiety ruins everything we do - if we go out for a day or even to visit friends I am on high alert all the time and can't relax for a minute.

Clueless I really feel for you, my ds is same age and I wanted him for so long yet I crave him to go to sleep so I can eat some toast and read a book! Well, a page or two.... Its easy to remove yourself further and further, but if it helps I've found that although I dread going to mum and baby groups, once I make myself go its actually ok. I've forced myself to be more selective though. I was feeling down that I was seeing lots of people on a very superficial level and not making any real friends. I realized I didn't even like some of them, its just that we hve similar aged babies. So I try to go for quality of time with people I really like now.

Is there any chance you could afford to place dd in nursery for just half a day a week? I'm just about to do that. I reckon if I can go and see a film, or have a long bath, or write a letter and make a call, I will feel more like me again and will actually have things to talk to my dh about, rather than "two poo's today!" or"its your turn" xx

Also I joined a choir and even though I'm fairly rubbish its my one thing I do in the evenings, just once a wk and my dh makes sure that come hell or high water I will be there. Even if I have 20 excuses for why I don't want to go, he makes me and afterwards I'm always pleased I went and I don't talk about my baby I just make small talk and sing. I know it may not be your thing but finding that one thing has really helped me.

You sound exactly like me, I had to double check that I hadn't written your post somehow without realising.

Re the house, I have a cleaner which helps but the day after she's been the house is a bombsite again and I just hate seeing all the mess around me. But at the same time I can't be bothered to tidy it as it'll be exactly the same 5 minutes after the DC's are up in the morning.

I am DREADING next week as it's back to school and I'll be on own all day Monday to Friday. DH has had the week off work for half term and it has been soooooo nice to have a lie in, have another adult to talk to, to have loads of help with the kids and some time to myself. I just don't want to be home all the time with the DC's anymore but going back to work is not an option as I don't want to go back to my old career and I don't know what to do instead. We're new to the area so not many friends, well, a few superficial ones but I don't find the friendships fulfilling. I know it'll take time to build up friendships but it's so much effort, again I feel I can't be bothered.

I don't think I've coped at all well since I had DD 4 years ago and my DH too was reluctant to have another one as he didn't think I could cope. We had DS anyway (accidentally) and I have been just about managing with help from the cleaner who also babysits sometimes. But I can barely manage to keep the house tidy, cook a meal (which I don't do very often). My main problem is just that I'm BORED rather than tired, although I am always tired as well. But I think the tiredness comes from being bored. I just don't know how to not be bored, I find all the day to day things boring, I'm bored of the park, the mother and toddler groups, just bored of the whole kids under 5 thing. I am quite ready for them both to go to full time school so I can study/work/read/do whatever I want without kids in tow. But I have to wait 3 more years til DS will be at school and I have no idea how I'm going to survive.

If I could find something I was interested in I could maybe do an evening class but I don't seem to have any interests , they all seemed to disappear once I had DD.

Gosh, what a lot of moaning when I know I should be grateful for what I have, but that's how I feel, so there!