It feels inevitable

[Unremarkablebear]

In my mind most of the time is a voice that just repeats that I am done. It might not be today or tomorrow but sooner or later it’ll happen.
I am so unhappy and I cannot make myself any happier without leaving my dh which would upset him and my dc forever. If I just am not here everyone would be sad for a bit and then it’s over with.
I am so tired. I do things on purpose like not eating or drinking for several days in the hopes of just collapsing and it being taken out of my hands. I hope to catch covid and be unable to fight it because I’m already vulnerable and if I’m not eating either that might help. I have had enough. I am done. I don’t know why I’m posting because I won’t go to the gp as i feel as though I’m a waste of time and money. There are so many humans on the planet, who cares if there’s on less. What a lot of hassle for just one person.
I’m just done.

But you aren't just a person whose life doesnt matter. Your children will have a life of grieving for you if you aren't here. You are irreplaceable and are worth as much as any other being.
This sounds like clinical depression. I have been there. Please muster up the courage to speak to your GP. I had a countdown calendar to the date when I felt my children would be able to cope without me,I felt they would be better. Now I have come out of that with anti depressants, I can see how terribly I'll and irrational I'd got. Please seek help,its not too late.

OP your child would feel it for the rest of their lives if you weren’t there. I’ve hit some very low points over the last year but I remember a boy I used to go to school with. His dad ended his life and this boy was never the same again. He ended up very depressed getting in with the wrong people as he got older and made several attempts on his own life. Seek help from your GP. There is lots of help out there. I took ADs for a while and found that they really helped.

I have a date in my head when I think it’ll be best.
When my children are more settled at school. After this Christmas. I want to prepare them a bit first

You cant prepare them a bit. You are sentencing them to a whole life of grief. You are ill. Put your plans of doing anything drastic on hold. Tell yourself you will have 6 months to try everything you can to feel better, ADs, talking therapy,exercise,whatever. Then you can "think about it "if things havent improved. That was what worked for me, you owe it to them to try.

You are ill - I have been there too.

When you are ill, you go and get treatment - and this is what you must do.

I am alone following a bereavement and believe me I know how hard it can be to find purpose in one's own existence - when we lose sight of that it means we have lost a fundamental life spark - and that is what happens in depression. What you are describing is classic. A typical symptom. It just needs the right treatment and you can then avoid your dear children having to live with an unimaginable burden of misery and guilt for the rest of their lives - you owe them this.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way. It sound incredibly painful.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

MN will likely delete this.
You need to seek RL help. Contact your GP ASAP. It’s mental illness that’s making you feel this.
You can’t prepare your children for this. It would devastate them.

But so would me leaving dh. And then they’ve got going back and forth, splitting their time, the awkwardness of that.
I feel hopelessly trapped.

Why do you need to leave?

Please hang on. Your children will never recover from this they need you. You need you. If you are so unhappy in your marriage then you need to find the courage to leave. But first, look after your mind first. Get to the GP ASAP, possibly A&E or the crisis team. Call Samaritans. Keep talking on here. I’m no professional but to me you sound depressed. Medication and therapy WILL help you. Just hang on xxx

Because it’s basically my marriage that’s making me feel like this.

Please don't think that you can prepare your children for losing their mother. They will feel your loss and mourn you every single day for the rest of their lives - and so will many others.

It sounds like you are depressed OP. Please could you not reach out to your GP? This is an illness and you can fight it and get better. You don't have to feel this way. You need help, please muster up the strength and the courage to reach out.

Does anyone else in real life know of your plans or how bad you're feeling?

So leave your marriage. Better for your children to have two parents happily living separately than one parent.
They would never get over losing you.
Are you safe right now?

Is it? Or would I just be making dh as unhappy as I am now by losing the children half the time, maybe more. It’s not fair for me to make a decision where he doesn’t see his children as much as he does at the moment.
If I’m not here then he gets them all the time still.
I just don’t want to be here. There’s no joy in anything.

So it's better your dead then? You can see this makes no sense.
If your marriage is so unhappy then leave and stop worrying about whether your DH will be unhappy.
Your children need you alive, no ifs no buts.
What is wrong in your marriage that makes you want to leave?

Nothing really, that’s what makes me so selfish. I’m just extremely unhappy and I have never been happy with dh.
He does nothing with the children or round the house. I work four days a week and am up at 5.30am and sort the children, take them to wrap around, come back, fetch them, do dinner, do their homework with them, wash up and tidy up, do bathtime and bedtime. But dh’s job pays more, even though arguably it is no more demanding than mine, so that’s what he says. He works from home. Gets up at 8am as finished by 5pm and lies on the sofa. The weekend he spends on the golf course.
But there’s nothing bad enough to make me leave him and I know I should just suck it up and stay for the kids. It just makes me feel like I’m dying anyway, every day I am here.

Sounds like life has got relentless for you.
He certainly doesn't sound like the kind of dad who would be willing to look after your kids well if you decided to carry out your plan.
You are not selfish in the slightest. You matter just as much as everyone else.
You deserve a happy and fulfilling life. Maybe separating will allow you some time to find you again and spend time on some hobbies or interests just for you.
I wonder if you remove yourself from the circumstances in your life just now your outlook would change.
It's lonelier being in an unhappy marriage than actually being single.
You would be doing your kids a favour as they are not seeing a healthy relationship. It's not fair that you have to burden everything

@Unremarkablebear

Nothing really, that’s what makes me so selfish. I’m just extremely unhappy and I have never been happy with dh. He does nothing with the children or round the house. I work four days a week and am up at 5.30am and sort the children, take them to wrap around, come back, fetch them, do dinner, do their homework with them, wash up and tidy up, do bathtime and bedtime. But dh’s job pays more, even though arguably it is no more demanding than mine, so that’s what he says. He works from home. Gets up at 8am as finished by 5pm and lies on the sofa. The weekend he spends on the golf course. But there’s nothing bad enough to make me leave him and I know I should just suck it up and stay for the kids. It just makes me feel like I’m dying anyway, every day I am here.

Have you told your DH how you feel? Asked him to share the load and do his part? Caring fro children is a slog a lot of the time but will pass and there will a life where they are independent and not so dependent. Can you visualise what you would like to do with that time?

Not really, I just get up in the morning and wait until I can go back to bed.
There is no point to anything. I’m so tired all the time. I am managing t1 diabetes alongside it all and often feel unwell.

You need to see your GP. You sound really depressed.
Your husband needs to actually be a partner and parent. He doesn’t get to just work and lie on the sofa/play golf.