My therapist said I need a hobby - help me to think of one that will actually help

[prufrock]

To cut a v. long and painful story short, I am having therapy after a year on AD's (now finished) afer a pretty terrible depressive episode. I now feel well enough to attack my underlying issues, which are basically obsessive negativity caused by my need to be perfect, caused by my mother (doesn't it always come down to the mother) and other aspects of my childhood. I am very self-aware - so much so that I get into terrible cycles of beating myself up because I'm beating myself up because I'm beating myself up because I'm beating myself up because I'm being negative - you get the picture. We both agree that I need to be easier on myself, but breaking the habits of 29 years is difficult.

I just had a session on a climbing wall and found it really good it involves concentration but has nor realk end result you go up you trust another person and you come down and you get a workouit in the process

I'm also finding bricklaying therapeutic

re buttons quote .. wish I could take the credit for it but I'm almost certain I absorbed it somewhere

I think you do have a hobby, I think sharing and giving parenting advice and socialising on a forum is a hobby .. I think you are allowing your mother's opinion to denigrate that and make it unworthy .. well fark her

What about making a rug? The kind that you buy in kit form with the pattern printed onto the base and hook bits of wool through.

It has a purpose, but it is also soothing and repetitive. And you really can't be competitive/perfectionist because you're just hooking wool through a base, there's really no difference between doing it badly and doing it well. The only real challenge is finding a kit that doesn't feature kittens or chocolate-box cottages.

Not too bad, some ok floral types

... I did that once

Twig - did you ever finish your alien scarf? I finished mine the other day and thought of you

I remember my mum making rugs when I was young, and I used to enjoy doing the occasional bit. But I think that there were better patterns available then because more people were doing it. From the range of patterns I've seen on the internet, rug making is now mostly done by the type of adults who like wearing character clothing (mostly Pooh Bear).

Going clubbing is good, and has no end goal. It's hardly a coordinated dancing activity. And unless you're trying to pull, I'm not sure how you could be competitive.

I think group activities are a good idea ... but then, I'm struggling with a similar thing, well, I just need more things to do with myself, and have just emailed some local womens' football teams ...

This may be a rather off the wall idea but have you considered following a local football team?

There is no end result, it is a very liberating experience as you get very into the game (without participating) and in fact it can be frustrating as they are screwing things up and you are shouting at them for it but there is nothing you can do about it so you have to accept that you are powerless and just go with the flow.

It is also a FANTASTIC release. You can absorb yourself totally in it for 1.5 hours, you can shout and swear (if you want to) you can sing, you can leap about like a 5 year old when your team scores and hug total strangers.

And they are never, ever perfect
When they are good you get a great high from it
when they are bad you moan and dissect but look forward to things getting better

I think it fulfils all your criteria
and you can involve your family

Where do you live?

Local football CD - I live in Cambridge so no chance. And dh is huge Chelsea fan who would never consider missing a game and I don't have the option to offload kids onto somebody else every other weekend so that we could both go together.

Climbing sounds good

I am not destroying my spreadsheet scummy. Though I think nicetobenice is right, I don't like the idea of being bad at something - but that's what I have to get over - I need to do something I can enjoy without feeling I need to make it internally competitive. But I find that v. hard so I need something to start me on that process - small steps, small steps.

So I will look at climbing, art appreciation courses, meditation and possibly get more serious about yoga. And I will make sure that at least one of the books I get from the library is not a trashy novel, and read and think about it. And next September I will definately look at volunteering for a non challenging visiting type of thing.

Thank you all for your suggestions - even the ones I dismissed made me think

I don't know if anyone has suggested Homestart? I was a homestart volunteer and really enjoyed it.

Other possibilities are parentline or mentoring.

LOL, so model airplanes did not take your fancy then....

I think a hobby has to be something that's not demanding, esp in these circumstances, ie don't need the stress of the situation of helping to run the nursery etc. I also think it should be something pleasurable!

Learn a new language. Of a country you really love. Don't plan on taking any exams. Learning a language / culture is entirely process-oriented and becomes more absorbing the more you do it.

Cambridge does have a football team

My dh is building a kit car - and that is process-driven at it is something that will never, ever, ever be finished . He doesn't really want to drive in it it. Just enjoys tinkering with it. Is that the sort of thing you mean?

I second the rug making suggestion. It is incredibly soothing and you can listen to Radio 4 while you do it. You do get an end result but it isn't really down to you. At the mo I'm doing a jungle/lion cub one from Readicut. www.readicut.co.uk/catdefault.asp?cid=IPSC713RGF91BM0MPN3I7EU26GFQLO7G&sectID=RU

And I don't wear character clothing - BRAN!

The ultimate process driven activity - start training to be a counsellor

Not joking actually, seriously consider starting one of the introductory courses - I was in therapy (as you have to be) while training and doing this seriously helped me at some point along the 4 year journey give up being 'perfect', come to realise that I was 'good enough'.

I am not remotely a perfect counsellor (there is no such thing obviously) but I have come to terms with self acceptance when I was training.

There is no longer this script running around in my head telling me to be busy/better/striving to be the perfect anything...............

Sorry jangly. In my defence the site that you linked to has much better designs than the ones I found with a quick google. I bet you wear lots of florals though I'm sure your clothes are the height of understated elegance.

Laurie you have just given me hope. I am so desperate for that script to go away , but I'm still so screwed up that I am actively striving to shut it up, which obviously isn't working. I don't even care if it takes 4 years as long as I now that at some point it will dissapear. Was there anything in particular that helped (apart from the counselor training, which might be an option for the future but not something I could consider now)

How long have you been in therapy - in my experience it starts of as a long slow process but for my own therapy (and its different for everyone) I started to really notice my own progress after 6 months.

Tackling all those underlying issues you talk about can feel like opening it all up and being left with this open wound for a while. You seem to know what your problems are/what this script is saying - its going to take a while to come to terms with it and it feels 'raw' right now.

It's very hard to reprogramme your thoughts - so when you're beating yourself up you are really noticing that you're doing it right now.

I can only say it will diminish over time the more you look after yourself/listen to the real voice and desires inside yourself/be kinder to yourself.

The very act of noticing what's going on when you beat yourself up in your head is part of this process - you hear it/then notice it more/it feels overwhelming for a while/you get angry with the script/it gets a litle less or displaced - and maybe over and over til you hardly notice it.

When i felt really bad and was in therapy I went twice a week - made huge progress when i did.

I cannot stress this enough - being forcedly kind to yourself makes the hugest difference. Going for a coffee/buying cake you like/reading childrens books/snuggling in front of the fire - they sound like nothing but doing what I wanted was a massive part of recovery.

You can't make the script go away until it's ready - it's there to tell you something - its part of the process and its painful but necessary - your brain wouldn't be running it if it didn't need to in order to 'sort' it.

Sorry if this is a bit rushed - i sliced an enormous hole in my hand with a knife an hour ago and I'm trying to put on make up.

lol, I just googled "apiphobe" and "spekiphobe " and this thread came up, and nothing else.
Good luck finding something to do. I am normally very jealous of people like you btw, obvuiously never really seeing the other side of the coin! x

prufrock, is your email still the same?

Yep bundle - got it thank you v. much. Will come back on Friday - pre-school agm tomorrow and I still have to write report and I have "just sick enough to be off school and needing playing with all day" child

Model aeroplanes. mmmm. I think I'd want to go higher and faster

laurie thank you so much. I'm 3 sessions in, but I want to be fixed NOW dammit. I'm at the stage of getting angry with the script, but also still getting angry with myslef just because I have the script IYSWIM. I don't like having problems I can't solve, never have done, so the accepting that I can't fix everything is the big thing I have to get over - your story gives me confidence that it is possible.

I do bellydancing. Just about the only thing that keeps me sane I think. I do aerobics and stuff but bellydancing is the one thing I will go to even if, for example, I've got a headache as it gets rid of it.

It's all about dancing for yourself and other women, something quite child-like about it, dancing with your friends and dressing up in sparkly things and wafting veils around.

I'm quite negative usually, on antidepressants long term, but bellydancing is such a help.
Know it sounds daft, but I think it's really helped me. I'm not some slim young thing either.

It's quite popular at the moment, don't know where you live, but you could look online for any classes near and just go and watch one evening and see what you think?

SK

Can I just say that I love that post from scummymummy about changing the way you think about what you're already doing, enjoying the sunflowers etc.

I think most of us on MN (definitely me!) are busy and hassled and spreading ourselves too thin, and enjoying the moment and the process is a good antidote to that.

Sorry no wise advice prufrock, but good luck!