I think my girlfriend may be bipolar and I don’t know how to help!

[FFJA]

This will be more of a vent than a request for help I guess so fee free to be disinterested…

5 months ago I met my as I have to get used to calling her ex girlfriend. Started slowly, nice walks, getting to know each other with chatting by text, holding hands. All rather romantic and old fashioned for me!

Took a while for her to relax, lots of anxiety about covid etc, weeks before she would give me her number, but after a while we were Fb official as the kids say, and in what I thought was a loving happy relationship. I’d never been as happy, she said it felt different to with exes, that she felt secure and loved and more relaxed than in a very long time. It was lovely. Shared interests, even thought about buying a pony together..

She’d mentioned her anxiety was likely to be worse when she returned to work as a TA in September and her son returned to school, and for a while things were fine. Then almost out of the blue, it’s all gone. It’s like she’s flicked a switch in her head.

She says she can’t cope, can’t ever be with anyone, she loved me so much, but she’s a horrible person, she pushes people away and treats everyone horribly.

She’d mentioned before she carries a lot of guilt over leaving her ex partner, and I know she has had not very successful counselling in the past, and tells me she’s been to Drs who have doubled her anti depressants. She says she isn’t running from me it’s her own head, that nothing can change, that she can’t handle the pressure, and isn’t capable of ever loving someone 🙁

I try to give her space, try to reassure her that it’s a stage of depression and that she knows it will pass but she is completely cutting me out of her life and I’m heartbroken. I’m back on my anti depressants to try to keep a lid on my emotions but all I want to do is cuddle her and tell her I love her.

She’s said that in the past she’s repeatedly pushed partners away and then wanted them back, I’m just praying we get to that stage but at the moment it’s like talking to a wall and the woman of 3 weeks ago no longer exists or loves me.

So erm yes. Anyone else have experience of partners with what seems like bipolar/anxiety/depression and how to support her without her pushing me further away, as the thought of not seeing her ever again is unbearable.

Help? Anyone? :(

I'm sorry it's so difficult.

I think you're going to have to accept that this will be part of your life now if she's in it. I don't see how it could work but who knows. This pain is here to stay if you really want to be with her.

I’d be able to ride out the “down” stage I think if I knew that it was part of the mental health stuff. When she feels better she is the most loving and special person I’ve ever met, literally I have never been happier. It’s just like that person has vanished. I just hope she comes back :(

That is part of it, the never knowing. In my opinion it's the worst part.

At the moment I feel totally lost as we can’t even talk about it. I’m not a monster, 2 weeks ago she loved me.

It sounds more like EUPD (also called BPD) than bipolar. Although "diagnosing" someone third hand over the internet is far from definitive!!! But I'd have a look at EUPD and see if that fits.

I have quite severe mental health issues. I am in a loving relationship with a wonderful man. But it's hard for both of us so be prepared for a hard road ahead. Personally, the most important thing for me if I were in your shoes is that I would want to know that my partner wanted to take ownership of their mental health issues and wanted to seek help and support external to the relationship. Do you think she is willing to do that?

Speaking from a position of having a diagnosis and my own past relationships I think I can say with a degree of confidence that until she gets the help she needs a relationship will be out of the question. The continual mood swings and constant reassurance she needs is not something that will help her in a meaningful way. Well done for trying and being considerate though. I hope when she's better she appreciates you

It's hard that this is now obviously affecting your mental health. You would needs to be a very strong and secure person yourself to deal with this rejection if this is going to keep happening. You do need to make sure you are ok. If you can't cope with this happening out if the blue periodically maybe you should walk away.

I couldn't cope with it. It would destroy me personally.

Thanks MiniMum97 that’s interesting.

Yes I think she would with the right support. I think deep down she is desperately unhappy living the way she does. She said when we were happy that it was all she wanted, and she genuinely seemed so happy.
I think she’s had bad experience of counselling but I’d happily go with her or help find different counsellors.
I once made the rookie error in desperately trying to understand why she was doing this of asking if she’d had some sort of trauma, been attacked or something and she absolutely shut me down.

I think there’s more too it than I know, and she’s terrified to really let someone in.

But I’m not the sort to give up on someone I love, I just wish she could see that. And maybe somewhere inside she still does??

What is she doing to help herself? I say this as someone who struggles, horribly. I’m luckily married to a wonderful man and we have amazing teens. It’s my mental health and I need to keep on it along with their support.

I dated someone like this, my advice would be give up now. I wasted two years of my life with her blowing hot and cold, playing mind games, disappearing, then reappearing, blowing up over the smallest thing and ghosting me, never knowing what she wanted etc. It’s a waste of time and energy, you can’t love the mental illness out of someone. It’s been 7 years, we’re still Facebook friends and she is doing the same to other people from the looks of it, was even engaged for a brief amount of time and that ended as quickly as it began.

The “go away - don’t go away” certainly seems to fit with how she’s described past relationships. EUPD wise.
I don’t doubt it would be desperate. And very hard going. But I love her.

She definitely been to Drs again recently which for her with her anxiety about admitting anything is ever wrong with her is I think a pretty massive step. I’m hoping it shows she cares at least a bit!

I know you love her, but is this really the life you want for yourself? Every day waiting for her to freak out again and end things, then waiting for her to have a change of heart and come back? It’s torture, you can’t live like that.

I don’t mean to offend anyone who suffers with a mental illness that induces this type of behaviour, but speaking from personal experience of being on the receiving end, it’s no way to live, you’re a nervous wreck, walking on eggshells, waiting for the next meltdown.

It is hard. I think if we can recover from this and I see that the old her coming back is possible from these melt downs it will be much more manageable. And hopefully a chance to talk about how she moves forwards with getting help. She knows it’s not healthy for her or her little boy.

I don’t think she will change. But for all that, I don’t want a life without her in it :(

Oh OP. My first thought was she no longer wants you, but she doesn’t want to be the ‘bad guy’ and wants to keep the victim role, so she’s dumped you in complex head-fuck terms. Plus is keeping you dangling just in case she feels like a hit of adoration from time to time.

That addiction you feel is part of what makes this relationship charged and ultimately toxic and wrong for you.

Go check out the holistic psychologist, she does a lot of work around relationship patterns like these.

You can’t second guess her, but you can walk away and investigate your own patterns. Good luck. It’s not easy.

@AtrociousCircumstance I so hope you’re wrong and I really don’t think she’s that cruel or vindictive. I think she’s just lost and not coping well with all the other stresses in life. Binning me is like her coping strategy I think as she can’t get rid of the other things which cause her stress.
But then I’m biased. So what do I know :(

I don’t mean she consciously planned it, it’s just the way it’s unfolding, her unconscious patterns and yours too.

@AtrociousCircumstance perhaps. But a bigger part of me believes her when she says she feels like she just gets to the point of anxiety stress depression whatever it is where she feels she has no control and gets frightened.
I appreciate she’s caused a lot of hurt. I suppose i just want to see her. We’ve both communicated so badly we seem to have ended up somewhere neither of us ever really wanted to go and it’s horrendous. I suppose I still see the “well” her and know how good it can be.

You've essentially described what happened with my ex husband. Twice. The first time was at uni, pretty grim, split up for about 3 months he ran straight to someone else, then back to me. All seemingly resolved we got married, had a child, I got pregnant with our second and then when I was about to give birth he did it again. I would say we'd been completely happy until
about 4 months into my second pregnancy (we got married and had first child relatively quickly out of uni, all at his insistence. At the time I took it as positive signs of his commitment. Now I wonder if it was just the latest shiny thing or him trying to prove something to himself but who knows. He seemed very happy).

That second child is about to turn 5 now. The woman he turned to he ended up getting engaged to but broke up with her pretty much the same way he did with me fairly recently (same excuses, 'you're so unhappy with me but won't admit it, I have to break up with you to protect me' kind of thing). So far no new woman although obviously I'm not as involved in his life so who knows. I don't think he's very good at being single-looking back all of his relationships (apart from me) have overlapped and seem to last a couple of years before his eye wanders and he decides that the next woman will be the one to fix everything. He was diagnosed as being bipolar about a year ago but this was after YEARS of knowing something was up but refusing help or to seek out answers. Extremely fucked up childhood. I question the diagnosis for various reasons but at least he's getting some input and does for once appear to be taking it seriously.

What I would say is that at the moment it feels very very fresh and raw for you and of course you love and miss her. When my ex was at his best he was wonderful, truly my favourite person to be around. But the lows were really really hard to cope with and I had to shoulder a lot of stuff on my own. It's very hard to co-parent with him. I adore my children but in all honesty wish I hadn't had them with him if this was how it was going to turn out. It is a very very long and hard road. I don't say this lightly and I don't say that people with significant mental ill-health aren't deserving of love (I'm no stranger to some pretty significant bouts of depression and anxiety myself). But the difference really is what that person is going to do about it and how they are going to help themselves. You can't take on all of their problems as well as your own. The day he left and the months that followed were horrendous but there was also a tiny tiny kernel of relief that he'd finally done it and I didn't need to keep second guessing anymore. I have never felt more lonely than in the last month of my marriage before he finally left even though on the surface everything was 'fine'

Please take care of yourself OP. You can't force her back and you can't force her to get help. All you can do is make sure you are ok and living your life as best you can. Don't spend a relationship looking over your shoulder for the next time she's going to run. It's no way to live.

Hi op! I am guilty of exactly the same traits as your dp. I also had a wonderful partner at one time who i knew loved me in ways i'd never experienced before. He helped me through many dark times but ultimately i would push him away because i found it very hard to accept unconditional love and i was convinced that by dropping my defences i would be hurt so i would push him away and he would wait patiently then a few weeks/months later i would feel better and think i could be happy and deserved his love but the dark thoughts and feelings of being overwhelmed would come back and i would push him away again.
After doing this for a very long time i mentally broke him to the point he has moved away and i have managed to isolate myself and i hate myself for hurting him because it hasn't come from a place of evil or vindictiveness but my inability to see anything good happening to me. I am now in extensive long term trauma therapy and i know i have to heal myself. I have an extensive history of childhood emotional neglect and sexual and physical abuse. My diagnosis of complex ptsd and eupd are as a result of trauma.
Your dp's behaviours are exactly like mine and i hate myself for destroying my chance of happiness but until i heal myself i am not capable of a loving relationship. I work, have a child and to most people they see my front and smiley face and have no idea of the suffering i have been through but apart from superficial friendships i am isolated completely as my true self.
I think you need to take a step back as you will be destroyed by her and in her own way she's trying to protect you both. therapy might be good for her and you can let her know you are still there but take a backward step till she gets help as only she can help herself and break these patterns xx

Thanks @MollyBloomYes I’m sorry you had to go through such a hard time.
Youre right I can live always waiting for the next time. If I ever can manage to get her back, I think we’d have to properly talk about how together we can work on getting her mental health a bit more sorted. She said frequently she wanted someone who would “have her back” when things were hard, as in look out for her. And I would, and maybe if she can see that she might realise that she has the support and genuine love to help deal with her issues. God knows I don’t know how to fix them but I’d hold her hand through it.
Which I think is all she really wants in life. She just seems so scared of it at the same time. She’s not a bad person im sure if it even when she believes she is.

@thrivingafterabuse oh my gosh. That does indeed sound like how she acts you are right.
It’s so hard. I’m a pretty determined and strong person, I suppose what I’d like at the moment is the chance to prove to her I’m different and that I won’t let her down. I know it’s up to her to make the changes and to heal, but I just want to be there and support her with it. Stupid really. But I can’t change the way I feel for her.
Although at the moment apart from a few texts every other day we aren’t speaking anyway. :(

@FFJA that’s it really, my exh isn’t a bad personality. Not really. Infuriating, and unthinking and convinced he knows best but very much a product of his upbringing with a hefty whack of some brain chemistry that’s gone awry. It’s a potent mix. My brain wiring isn’t great but I have had the great privilege of a very supportive and nurturing family and a stable upbringing. Seemingly tiny things but they make a difference.
You clearly have a very big heart and that’s very commendable. For me, with so much time passed and with some of the things that happened I know there would be no chance of my ex and I going back, even if he responded to all the therapy in the world. Some things are insurmountable and I’ve changed as well as a result. That’s not a bad thing, I’m still in his life because we have children and can still offer support, just in a different way. At the moment I imagine all you can envisage is being in her life as a partner but I would urge you to take this time for yourself, let her do what she will do, knowing that you are there and keep checking in, both with her and with yourself. Maybe you’ll be able to have a relationship one day and maybe you won’t. But as long as you’ve approached it from a healthy way of thinking and preservation for you first then that will be the best choice. Remember-you can’t help anyone else with their oxygen until you put your own mask on first! Good luck