I think my girlfriend may be bipolar and I don’t know how to help!

[FFJA]

This will be more of a vent than a request for help I guess so fee free to be disinterested…

5 months ago I met my as I have to get used to calling her ex girlfriend. Started slowly, nice walks, getting to know each other with chatting by text, holding hands. All rather romantic and old fashioned for me!

Took a while for her to relax, lots of anxiety about covid etc, weeks before she would give me her number, but after a while we were Fb official as the kids say, and in what I thought was a loving happy relationship. I’d never been as happy, she said it felt different to with exes, that she felt secure and loved and more relaxed than in a very long time. It was lovely. Shared interests, even thought about buying a pony together..

She’d mentioned her anxiety was likely to be worse when she returned to work as a TA in September and her son returned to school, and for a while things were fine. Then almost out of the blue, it’s all gone. It’s like she’s flicked a switch in her head.

She says she can’t cope, can’t ever be with anyone, she loved me so much, but she’s a horrible person, she pushes people away and treats everyone horribly.

She’d mentioned before she carries a lot of guilt over leaving her ex partner, and I know she has had not very successful counselling in the past, and tells me she’s been to Drs who have doubled her anti depressants. She says she isn’t running from me it’s her own head, that nothing can change, that she can’t handle the pressure, and isn’t capable of ever loving someone 🙁

I try to give her space, try to reassure her that it’s a stage of depression and that she knows it will pass but she is completely cutting me out of her life and I’m heartbroken. I’m back on my anti depressants to try to keep a lid on my emotions but all I want to do is cuddle her and tell her I love her.

She’s said that in the past she’s repeatedly pushed partners away and then wanted them back, I’m just praying we get to that stage but at the moment it’s like talking to a wall and the woman of 3 weeks ago no longer exists or loves me.

So erm yes. Anyone else have experience of partners with what seems like bipolar/anxiety/depression and how to support her without her pushing me further away, as the thought of not seeing her ever again is unbearable.

My partner was exactly like you and this went on for 4 years, i shared the happiest time of my life with him but no matter how hard i tried the negative thoughts always came back and i would think im saving us both because it would go wrong and i thought all my life all i wanted was someone to not give up on me but when i had it i had no idea how to deal with it. I still love him so much but it took losing him to make me realise i need therapy and i hope one day to be able to cope better because now I've experienced that love i can see what I've always been missing.
My ex still checks im okay and is rooting for me and that hurts because he didn't deserve what i did but like you do with your dp, he knows it hasn't come from a bad place and that im not a nasty person x

@MollyBloomYes I don’t think B is a bad person. I think she’s messed up, she has regrets, her mum is overbearing and her dad describes her as a lost soul who wants someone to love her. I suppose that’s why I’d be willing to keep trying. Be see so much in her which is good which she doesn’t see sometimes.
I’m trying to take care of myself, and hold of the intrusive thoughts about what she is or isn’t doing because deep down I know she isn’t going to be doing them hopefully (TMI but sex with me required 2 sti tests, proof of the results and she still cried thinking somehow I’d faked it) and even if she isn’t in the right place for a relationship I just want more than anything in the world to put my arms around her, tell her I’ve got this with her and that I won’t let her fall. Lame hey.

@thrivingafterabuse do you think at the moment while she seems to be in a bad place (even if she is maybe talking to other people as a confidence booster) I’m doing the right thing by her keeping checking in and letting her know she’s cared about and loved. I don’t want to put pressure on her to be anything, I just want to give her a hug and make her laugh :( It’s funny, even in the darkest bit I’ve physically seen her in, I could still make her smile and laugh. It almost hurts that I could and she’s still trying to push me away thinking she’s doing the right thing. I suppose maybe she doesn’t know how to deal with the support although I’m sure exes have tried. (One weirdly enough for 4 yrs on and off)
I just can’t bear the thought of losing the woman I love forever.

I think mental health is very lonely and sometimes i would feel so overwhelmed with the amount of love i was given that i would need to spend time on my own because thats how ive always coped before.
I think it took finally losing him and not being able to run to him and he picks up the pieces that i became very isolated and hit rock bottom.
Thats when i knew i cant do this again and now im working on myself. He texts about once a week to see how its going but we both know that i have to do this and the fact he still cares really helps and even though i know he still loves me its not about that now and im grateful to have him still in my life.
My advice would be to text her and tell her how happy she makes you and the beautiful person you see in her and you will always be there if she needs you and that she can get through this with the right help and is deserving of a happy future but that has to come from her and learning to break the cycle. Then i would give her space and not contact again. If its meant to be then she will get help and you will have a future but not how she is and its not something you can change. You need to concentrate on your own mental health as you seem very caring and the ups and downs will leave you emotionally exhausted.
Just for reference i have had a longer relationship some years before my ex but even though it looked perfect on the outside he was not emotionally invested so the detached nature was very much what i grew up with so found it easier on the surface but it was feeling a deep connection and love from my last partner i struggled with x

Thanks @thrivingafterabuse for such honest posts it really does help. I’m trying to give her the space I think she needs, especially this week as she can decompress a bit with not being at work. I think I’ll keep in touch with the odd message, I try to keep them fairly light, what id really like is to be able to see her and walk the dog and just chat but I’m so worried she will say no I darent.
The only thing keeping me going at the moment is the thought that deep down she probably isn’t any happier than I am. Which sounds horrible but I hope you know how I mean it.
What I want to say to her is that I’m there for her, if she feels like she is willing and able to try again with things like therapy to break the cycle she says she hates being stuck in as it ruins everything for her, that I will support her and be there for her every step of the way. But I can’t say that by text. It’s so miserably lonely without her, she’s my best friend x

This might sound harsh but what you are describing sounds like borderline personality disorder. I would go no contact and move on. Give it time and you’ll be fine.

@Leafypage it may be. But I’m not sure the answer when it involves someone you love and care about can be as simple as “no contact move on”. I’d like to think I’m better than that. Harsh as that also sounds

I’ve been in the same situation. I loved her and wanted it to work. It was impossible. I was devastated but now I realise it was the best thing.

This relationship sounds toxic and dysfunctional. You’ve only known her 5 months and should still be in the honeymoon phase of getting to know each other and enjoying each other’s company.

She doesn’t sound like she is in a position to date anyone and it seems crazy that you’d accept being treated like this by someone you barely know.

Why do you think this is a relationship which is worth saving and why do you think you deserve to be treated like this? Sounds like you’ve had a lucky escape

Saying you think you’re ‘better’ than accepting the situation and moving on suggests that you really have something to prove here OP.

It would really benefit you to examine your own emotional patterns and motivations. Stop obsessing outwards at her and take time to understand yourself.

Plus if someone has told you they no longer want a relationship with you, you need to respect their boundaries.

Not a case of something to prove @AtrociousCircumstance, and the motivation isn’t really about me, I’ll bump along fine without her if that’s how we end up. The motivation is that someone I love is struggling with her mental health and I’d like to help her.

You sound like you’ve got a saviour complex here @FFJA. You barely know this woman and think you can undo some obviously pretty deep-seated behavioural issues she has. She has told you that she doesn’t want you in her life and can’t handle a relationship but still you persevere and don’t just walk away. Whether you are prepared to tolerate her behaving badly towards you is one thing. Not respecting her autonomy is another.

You don’t know this woman. Honestly. 5 months of dysfunctional rollercoaster is not a proper relationship. She is obviously ill so may not be able to see that but surely you can realise that this is no foundation for building a life together?

If it is bipolar - which it might not be - then it might be worth knowing that some anti depressants will actually make it worse. Although this is pretty common knowledge in psychiatry GPs generally don't seem to have a particularly good level of understanding. If it was her asking then I'd say she needs to push for a psychiatry referral (easier said than done I know.) If she gets in touch with you it might be worth mentioning.

However, since it's you asking...I think 5 months is very early to be dealing with this, you maybe don't know each other well enough for you to be the one going through this with her. NHS psychiatry appointments were like gold dust even before the pandemic shut everything down - she could very easily be waiting well over a year to get so much as a first appointment to discuss a diagnosis. That's twice as long as you've been together.

Probably more importantly she might be bipolar (or something else) AND not want to be in a relationship with you any more. I know your heart's in the right place but I think when you've been together such a short time you're maybe overstepping her boundaries by pushing it with her.

Well, what about respecting her boundaries then? And hearing that she no longer wants a relationship with you.

@Holyrivolli no offence but if she didn’t want me in her life at all why would she be messaging me? She’s never said that. What she’s said is she can’t cope with a relationship at the minute, that her life feels like it’s collapsing. Which isn’t really the same thing?
I appreciate I can’t undo what ever trauma drives her, the best I could hope to do is hold her hand while she does it herself. I don’t think that’s an unrealistic thing to want to do for someone?

Perhaps I am just a fool and most of you are right and she is perfectly happy without me.

She might not be perfectly happy without you. Who knows. Tbh she doesn’t sound like a very happy or balanced person so doubt she will find happiness and a stable relationship unless she can sort out her issues.

But you can’t fix her or shouldn’t allow her to treat you badly just because she has been through trauma. You wouldn’t just be holding her hand. You’d be allowing her to involve you in her bad behaviour and expecting you to put your own needs second to her prop her up. That is not a healthy relationship and you deserve better - spoken as someone who has a bit of a saviour complex myself.

She's told you she doesn't want a relationship. No means no.

Diagnosing her as bipolar because ultimately she doesn't want to be with you is totally off in my opinion.

Ok @JSCM. My mistake. I was trying to listen to all the times she’d said to not let her throw everything away when her depression and mood swings took over and trying to better understand how to support her that was all.

The problem with that: when she says 'no' , you've to hear 'yes'...always. So she can never split up with you, you'd never believe her. What happens if she really means 'no'? Tbh that puts you in a dangerous position because if she means 'no' then you will seem/be harrasing. Space can equal love and harms no one. If she comes back then you have what you want with an understanding that's what's going to happen probably more often that a few times.

Best of luck in this confusing situation.

Thanks @JSCM
It is very confusing. It’s confusing that she’s said so often that when she’s horrible to me and rejects everything please don’t let me. She will reply to texts like the “old her”, and when I give her space she will stress out that I hate her and am planning some awful revenge. Which of course has never even entered my head!
I don’t want her to feel she “has to” be with me, and have tried as much as I can to leave her alone, weeks without contact etc.
I suppose it’s knowing how down she is, and how down she can get, how she can convince herself everything she believes about herself must be true, and knowing how little other support with it she has I just worry.
Maybe we never will see each other again and I agree she’s not in the right place for a full on relationship, I suppose id just like to know that she’s ok, that she’s surviving like she hoped she would.
I honestly don’t pester her, I suppose that’s why I’m venting on here, to try to get it out of my head and to give her the space she needs to either find someone else or to start to feel better again without the pressure and maybe see that we do love each other. I think deep down she knows that it’s her mind that’s doing it, she’s explained to me lots that it’s how she works.
I know it’s probably making me seem an awful person tho

Thankyou all for the advice. I’ve decided it’s best for everyone if I just go. I can’t continue like this anymore. Take care x

Good luck and I hope you find someone who values you and treats you properly. Accepting the bad treatment that your ex gave you was not right for you even if you did want to help her.

Also hope your ex can sort out whatever is going on in her life which makes her unsuited you relationships.

Thanks. What I am going to do is give her space still, but let her know I still love and care for her and that I will support her if she feels ready to seek support for her issues and trauma.
I can’t do that for her, but I can hold her hand through it if she will let me.