i can't deal with anymore

[cantlive]

I don't know where to start to be honest. I am a regular poster but have changed my name.

I have fallen out with dp and I am afraid that he has pushed me too far this time. I am not strong enough to cope. He knows that I am in this state yet he has taken my children out and left me. (I took an overdose after another argument about a year and a half ago)

I love him and my children more than anything but this time I feel like they would all be better off without me.

It all started because dp is off work today, (his last 2 days off were spent in bed btw) my dd (eldest, no2 is baby) and I have been looking forward to it to spend time together. When the kids woke up this morning I asked him if he would get up in a couple of hours to spend time with us and let me pop out to get some shopping. (there is almost no food in). He said he would get up at 1pm. I was obv not happy with this and told him so. Mainly because by the time I got the shopping done it would not leave very long to do much else. I then asked for his bank card so I could do shopping online leaving the rest of the day free(he has just been paid) he said no at first then ok but if you do I won't pay any bills. I was only going to spend about £50-£60. I said he has to pay the bills then he said he would just buy his own shopping, I said kids need to eat, he said I will buy them stuff too.

Where the f does that leave me???? Does he hate me so much that he resents me eating? Does he hate me for not working? (no2 is 3mths)

By this time I'm very upset and he can't see he ever does anything wrong. I then looked after the kids for 3hours whilst he slept. I have been crying nearly all the time and feel like there is no way forward for this relationship if he treats me like that.

He has always said that he would fight me for custody if we split up and I would rather die than lose my girls and have to live with it.

I have got nowhere to turn

there is always somewhere to turn to.

If you have no-one else to talk to at the moment either keep posting here or ring samaritans. And tomorrow go to the CAB and see if you can work out what your options are.

And maybe relate too - if you think your relationship is salvigable.

We are not married could he get custody?

hHve to run as dp is going to work but didnt want this to drop down the ACs. I have days like this too when everythng seems wrong and the least thing plunges me into despair. Please get help, call a sympathetic friend for a chat, anything. It looks like there are some issues you need to sort with your dp but not whie you are upset. You might be suffering from PND, i did and it was hell. (i have two dds, 4yo and 1yo) Please talk to someone in RL about how you are feeling right now. Go out for a walk with your DCs to clear your head.

just coz he is treating you like uyou are worth nothing does not mean you are.

i wish i knew the answers for you, but please get advice. agree with therockenholt.

He has taken them out, I would have a reason to keep it together if they were here

go out yourself, go and have a coffee and read a mag.

you will be with them tomorrow. that is your reason.

for now, why not 'allow' yoursefl not to keep it together for once? have a good old tantrum while no-ones about and youre not scaring the kids... no? or have a bath... or... phone someone. or keep posting.

i think theres a lot going on for you which has been pent up for some time.

you deserve to be happy too. remember that.

Firstly get to the doctors, you can't look after your children properly if you are depressed, and anti-depressant do work. Taking anti-depressants won't go against you in a custody battle because you are no longer depressed. They wouldn't dare take a child from someone who was a diabetic just because they take insulin.
Also tell the Jerk to sling his hook. Sorry I know its much easier to say than do. If he is no longer with you, you can claim money in your own right, for you and the children, you won't be destitute, in fact you may have more money than ever before. Get all the help you can from your HV, etc. Some men just don't deserve to be dads.

his parting words were if you do anything stupid I won't and I will make sure the girls never forgive you.

Thank you for all your replies, TWMITW I couldn't face going out at the moment, in fact I have shut all the curtains and turned the phone off. Is there a difference between normal depression and post natal depression? I was on citalopram before my pregnancy.

NappiesLagore I want to be with them now though I don't want them to see me like this obviously. There has been a lot going on this was just the last straw.

OMGHelp i know I need to go to the doctors, in fact i was there last week about something else but i wasn't too bad then. It's when we have a fall out or something happens i just seem to crumble and be back to square one. It hurts so much that he seems to resent working, paying for anything that is not for him alone. Makes me feel guilty but the reason I didn't go back to work was because of childcare probs. I am too scared to call my hv as I don't want her to think I am not looking after them properly.

Message withdrawn

agree with Dior, you need to a) go to the dr's and get help with getting your head straight, then get to CAB, work out your options and get you and the kids the hell out of there, that is not a healthy relationship for the kids to be brought up in. How dare he offer to provide for the kids and not you? what planet is he on? sounds like a horrible controling nightmare to me. {{{hugs}}} to you. Do you mind me asking how long he's been treating you like this?

i dont have any advice, just support. Why does he sleep til 1pm, does he work nights? He sounds like a horrible man, i know you must love him or must have loved him but he is damaging his children by being this way with you - leave him. How would he ever get custody with his track record of mental cruelty - get yourself some legal advice and get him gone. I know this is going to be tough but its not worth it, my DP is at his wits end with me and he has said horrid things to me, but nothing like that and he is sucha brilliant help with dd, i am not sure what you et out of this man

are you going to leave him?

please do.

no one deserves to live like this. you are perpetuating your own misery and feelings of depression and desperation by staying.

he wont get custody

who owns the house

are you prepared to leave.

I agree with custy, it sounds like he is thriving on your misery and trying to perpetuate it. Please talk to your dr and/or hv - believe me they are there to support you not to judge you. There is no reason why he should get custody of your girls.

cantlive- I went through similar thing with my now xhusband. I took an overdose when 16 yrs old then again after I had 3 miscarriages and I decided I didnt want to try again coz I couldnt risk it but then couldnt cope never having children. He always said he would fight for custody and bring up my suicide attempts, he also said he would bring up the abuse I suffered as a child to claim that I was so emotionally damaged to bring up our 2 dc, that really hurt as he was the only person I had ever confided in about it. At the time I was really worried, as it turned out they were empty threats and he has never bothered but I did seek advice from several sources and found that kids are not taken from mums lightly, I dont think you have anything to worry about regarding custody. U do need to speak to someone though and get help. I cant tell you to leave him as I dont know all yr situation, only u can make that choice. But when my husband left me, at first I thought it was the end of the world but I soon noticed a chance in me I hadnt realised it was his emotional and fiancial abuse that was keeping me depressed, I was also alot better off fiancially as I was in charge of the money and I knew exactly what I had. Plse seek as much advice as u can, emotionally for yr wellbeing but also legally regarding custody and fiancially. Thinking of u

Cantlive - how are you today honey?

Look, ive been thinking about this. My DP has had such a rough time with me and my depression and it changed his attitude towards me. I basically suffered for two years with no help - i just completely changed, i went from a positive, energetic fun loving person to a negative, miserable cow - and that was on a good day, on a bad day i was prone to through the nearest thing at him, andif that was the breadknife or a cup of scalding tea then that is what he got. So, for a time, and still even now he can make some really hurtful and spiteful comments, be generally unsympathetic and take the attitude of "here we go again". The point i am making, or trying to make is this - it is hard to live with someone with depression, its hard to understand why the person you love has suddenly changed so, its hard to accept the general air of miserableness and snappiness, DP would often say he was scared to come home because he diditn know what he wasn coming home to. Ome day he said to me that every time i was horrible to him he felt less and less for me and that he almost felt nothing, he couldnt look at me - he had tears pouring down his face when he said that and we were talking about splitting up. I will never forget that comment as long as i live, but that is what depression does, it doesnt just affect the sufferer.

Could it be that your DP just cannot cope, that he can't understand what is happening? My DP can still be spiteful and of course the depression makes you feel it more. I found that making DP come to the doctor with me really helped him to understand that i am not well, really seriously unwell and i cannot help the way i am. That and my lovely medication which makes me half human at least. It might be worth a try before you give up on him, you love him? you loved him? Were things good before the depression? That is what keeps me going, because our relationship was almost perfect before i got depressed and that is worth so much to me.

Hi everyone and thank you for your replies, I have not been on here today because I had to get out of the house. If I hadn't I probably wouldn't have even got dressed and I had to for the girls.

dp came home at 7.30 last night, he had fed dd and himself but didn't bother bringing in any bread for breakfast or anything.

Sometimes it feels like he says these things (about not buying me shopping etc) to hurt me, he ends up saying the most horrid things to me when I am at my lowest and obviously it makes me even worse.

He has been like this since I stopped work I guess (to have dd1) it seems he resents working and would rather be a stay at home dad. I refuse to let this happen as I know he couldn't care for them the way I could.

Lucyellensmum he doesn't work nights just shift work e.g. 8am-3pm or 12-10pm. He seems to think that because he goes out to work he has the right to sleep until he decides he should get up.
Sometimes he stays out after work to have a few drinks or se his mates but we have discussed this and he says it is because he doesn't know what he is going to face when he gets home.

I don't feel like the person I used to be, he thinks I live in a bubble and all that matters is the girls and he is probably right, but then is that so bad? Isn't that what every mum does?

Custenstein I don't know if I am strong enough to leave him, nor am I sure that I want to. We live in a rented house and it is in joint names, though obv as I am not working he pays the rent. That is when he gets round to it.

Last night I tried to talk to him rationally about things and where we should go from here and he wouldn't talk. He tried to sit and read a paper so I went crazy! I asked what we were going to do as I can't go on like this and he said I should just chill out!!!! I said we need to split as I don't think he could change and he said he would fight for the kids, bring up my suicide attempt last year and my depression. He says they wouldn't let me keep the kids. I said I would fight for them and he said If I will carry on like this I will be sectioned and will have nothing.
To be honest this was nearly enough to finish me, I sat and sobbed for hours, he sat and watched me then went for a bath. I almost walked out and god knows where I would have ended up. I have never lost control like that,never cried so much. my neighbours probably thought I was being murdered it was like I had no control over myself at all, he said I looked like a mental patient. But I managed to calm myself down and told him that no one would take them away from me and I would fight for them.

Eventually fell asleep and he went to work early, when he got in asked if I was feeling better and I said a bit and he said he was glad?!!! WTF is going on, is it me? Am I so hard to live with that he is trying to hurt me back? Am I so ill that I am making big things out of things I should be putting up with?

pinkteddy I am going to make an appt with my doctor, at least then I have got help and my depression won't go against me if we do split up.

orangehead thank you for sharing your story with me, dp has a friend who got custody of his children and I think he has been talking to him. I guess that's why it worries me so much.

Lucyellensmum thank you for checking up on me today, I think the reason I keep forgiving him for things he says and does to me is because I know I am not always easy to live with. That a lot of the time because I am feeling low I take it out on him.
Things were definately better bfore the depression but not brilliant. He still stayed in bed for the best part of the day and he has never been great at helping out, though he does try sometimes.

I just don't know what to do. I don't think I want it to be over but if he really loved me how could he say the things he has said this weekend.

I love my girls so much, I have to be with them, I can't lose them but I don't want them not to have their dad either.

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I haven't read all the post but definitely can see some of myself in you - DD was 3 months when my PND started - I too felt as if my kids and hubby would be better off without me - actually ran out of the house one day in my jammy bottoms, old t-shirt and slippers in the rain and was going to jump off a bridge - but my kids came back into my head and i just hid for a while, DH found me he was driving around for ages looking for me - anyway got AD's and this helped - me and DH are going through a rocky patch atm and I know when I am having bad days the arguments seem worse and he knows how to get the better of me on these days but the AD's will help you stand up to him and maybe if you tell him that he can go and you will have the kids he will be prepared to work at things - we are waiting for an appointment for relate so don't really know how to work this out - but start by seeing your doctor and then find time to talk to your partner, if this is too hard or will cause an argument - try writing him a letter to tell him how you feel and how he makes you feel and how much you love him and want things to work ( if that is what you want)- then give him time to read it by himself - take yourself and kids out if you can - hopefully he will see your point of view and you can take it on from there.

Hope this helps and you work something out.

cantlive {{{{Big Hugs}}}} you sure need them right now. Good that your focusing and being positive re getting yourself down to the drs. See if they can sort out some counciling for you both whilst your there too, better to go down those lines first I think?

Just wanted to second what Dior said about you crying because he treats you this way, not because your a 'mental patient'.

Yeah you might be depressed, but surely thats is missing the point? depressed or not, he shouldn't threaten you and speak to you like this!

I'll get custody
you can't eat
etc etc

He is threatening you and controlling you to the point that you darent leave, surely?

Believe me I have been that frustrated in my relationship that I have literally howled and wailed and dug my nails into my arm (and I have never self harmed or anything)- you braking down is nothing to do with being ill- it's living 24 hours a day in your relationship under these threats and nastiness.

Some men do unfortunately have a problem with their DP's not working etc, they are childish feel hard done too ( I know, I have one who secretly feels like this, even though I work 22hours a week!)

Don't know what the answer is, but I honestly don't think it's YOUR depression thats making things so bad, I think its the way hes treating you.

gosh! I've only just seen this. As a sufferer of emotional abuse in a relationship myself, I'd say this sounds similar.

Could you find the strength to leave him? I think it might be very good for you and the children to do so. He'd be able to see the children but it is unlikely that he would gain residency of them given the emotional abuse he has made you (and thus them) endure.

Your depression needs sorting and I see you are gettign on top of that but it won't have any negative bearing on you having the children.

Be brave.

i had a good friend who attempted suicide two years ago. - endedup in hospital the works.

mostly to do with bad relationship.

she left tookt he kids. he fought and lost.

although this isn't definative. the COURT will look at what is best for the kids.

if he ever hits you ( dont know if he does) make sure you report it. that will go against him.

him paying rent - makes no difference. the names of people on tenancy makes the difference.

if you really want out - GO TO THE COUNCIL. they will look at housing options - including giving the tenancy to you as it serves a greater need - and re-housing him.

cantlive, im torn here - my DP would not cope well with a meltdown like you described, he would lose his temper i think, he would say i am mad, he would say if i'm not careful i will end up in hospital and we will lose lucy - he says these things out of desperation and the fact the poor guy is at the end of his tether. He works so hard (trying to establish a business) and is under so much pressure i'm surprised it isnt him that has cracked, in fact i tread carefully around him, not because im scared that he will lose it and hurt me, but because im scared of pushing him into a breakdown - my meds have really helped me to see his side of things.

BUT there are some fundamental differences here. Your DP sounds bone fecking idle. We are up at 7am every morning, he goes off out to work and sometimes isnt home til 8, then he helps out with DD and we dont get to sit down until 9.30/10, then we often have to do admin stuff for the business. He moves mountains to pay the mortgage, if he doesnt pay then its not because he doesnt get round to it. Yes he has run out of sympathey, becuase he doesn't understand. My DP would never ever suggest he would fight for custody of DD, ever, even at the lowest of times.

Sorry, i know this sounds like im saying, oooh look how wonderful my DP is, but i am trying to make the point that i think i was wrong in my previous post about yours. I truely think you will be happier without him. Yes it will be hard, scary being alone, but its got to be better than what this man is putting you through. He sounds to me like he feels pretty inadequate about himself, in bed til 1pm? WTF what a waste of a day! He is taking out his issues on you - out with his mates? He has CHILDREN!! No, i agree with the others, you need to leave his cruel man for the sake of your children. He makes you feel shit about yourself, beleive me, he will do it to your girls at some point, if they have problems at school or anything, no - LEAVE HIM.

Find yourself. How old are your girls, i know youve said but i can't remember. Will they be at school soon? What was your job before you gave up to be a mummy? Is there any way you could do courses to change or progress your career while you are a SAHM? Something for your future, your childrens future. You don't need a man - and you don't need the person you live with. He doesnt sound like much of a man to me for you.