It's been a while since I've thought of it in the present, so long that I can't recall the last time, which really surprised me when I considered the title. All my recent thinking on it has involved considering how child-me wrestled with it - I started having suicidal ideation when I was 9, still remember that first time with a bit of bittersweet nostalgia - rather than something to do now.
I've never had desire to go with ideas, just reflex thoughts. Like in , it's long been like an emergency light I see out of the corner of my eye - I know it's there, but never really been bad enough to move towards it much beyond some bad habits. I grew up knowing some, including my mother, thought the world would be better off without me and sometimes I think a large part of why I've never had the desire for it is spite - like the song Can't Please Em All (by hi i'm case), the best revenge against those who want you dead is to live until you're ahead.
Discussing suicidal thoughts is not promoting suicide anymore than discussing PTSD flashbacks promotes trauma. It is important to recognize that rumination is harmful and the emotional care techniques for dealing with that -- having go to distractions that last at least a few minutes that doesn't encourage different rumination (quick games and music are popular recommendations, but the latter doesn't work for me, I tend to disassociate more with most music), but comparing it proana where people are actively encouraging others to harm to me is basically saying that mentally ill people shouldn't talk about what we've been through, are going through, that we're a risk to others and as if not talking about it is going to make it go away. It really doesn't and many gain strength from seeing this as something others live with and through.
Some problems are permanent - I'm never going to have a mother that wants me, I'm never going to live without pain or be fully 'healthy' again, I will live with brain damage from child abuse for the rest of my life, I will have this condition with occasional muscle weakness and muscle paralysis and so on (probably best not to use the consequences of suicide as things some already live with) - and honestly, the idea of life being precious has never helped me, that kind of rhetoric is used by too many anti-abortion groups to ring well for me.
Accepting my reality, my bad days along with the good, accepting any thoughts that I am conscious of as my own that I can consider, reject, do with as I wish with them, ensuring I've emotional first aid and care as part of my lifestyle, building forward - these do so much more to let my emergency light has faded.