I don't know why I'm posting here. I think I'm falling apart and I'm so embarrassed. I just don't think I'm designed to cope with things like everyone else does. I'm small and mean and sad. I don't think my partner loves me like he used to. My baby daughter definitely needs me, though less so now that I'm not the feeder. She prefers other people for fun and socialising. My job is a huge stress and I dread it, and I've realised I'm no good at it any more (I teach secondary). The kids deserve better. My kid deserves better. I'm probably depressed (again) but I've been like this on and off for as long as I can remember and I don't think I can face the rest of my life being so utterly pathetic. I'm drinking too much because it helps me sleep. I constantly think people I love will die and I feel sick with fear all the time. I can't manage basic things like keeping the house reasonable or cooking a meal at night. DP and I have been in separate rooms since DD was born last year. He's given up trying to be intimate any more but now he doesn't even kiss me good morning and I've done this through being detached and flat. I don't want to be any more. I'm so tired and I'm sick of being such a useless waste of skin. I've been on and off antidepressants for years and I hate what they do to me but I know that's the only "help" I'd get were I to see a doctor. I spent a lot of time as an inpatient in my teenage years and I don't feel like I'm salvageable.
I wish I could just disappear. I don't think there's a single person in this world who's better off for me existing. I am too cowardly to ever do anything "stupid" but my gut belief is that if something were to happen to me, once the initial shock was over and people got used to it my family would probably in fact be better off.
None of this makes sense or even follows a train of thought. Sorry.