I don't want to be any more.

[SideEyeing]

I don't know why I'm posting here. I think I'm falling apart and I'm so embarrassed. I just don't think I'm designed to cope with things like everyone else does. I'm small and mean and sad. I don't think my partner loves me like he used to. My baby daughter definitely needs me, though less so now that I'm not the feeder. She prefers other people for fun and socialising. My job is a huge stress and I dread it, and I've realised I'm no good at it any more (I teach secondary). The kids deserve better. My kid deserves better. I'm probably depressed (again) but I've been like this on and off for as long as I can remember and I don't think I can face the rest of my life being so utterly pathetic. I'm drinking too much because it helps me sleep. I constantly think people I love will die and I feel sick with fear all the time. I can't manage basic things like keeping the house reasonable or cooking a meal at night. DP and I have been in separate rooms since DD was born last year. He's given up trying to be intimate any more but now he doesn't even kiss me good morning and I've done this through being detached and flat. I don't want to be any more. I'm so tired and I'm sick of being such a useless waste of skin. I've been on and off antidepressants for years and I hate what they do to me but I know that's the only "help" I'd get were I to see a doctor. I spent a lot of time as an inpatient in my teenage years and I don't feel like I'm salvageable.

I wish I could just disappear. I don't think there's a single person in this world who's better off for me existing. I am too cowardly to ever do anything "stupid" but my gut belief is that if something were to happen to me, once the initial shock was over and people got used to it my family would probably in fact be better off.

None of this makes sense or even follows a train of thought. Sorry.

Depression is like a bully in your head telling things that are absolutely not true. I was where you are last year. It was a battle to get well but with the right medication I’m a lot better.

Do you actually want to be dead or do you want to be well?

You need to visit your doctor, I know that’s hard but it’s the first step to getting better.

I don't have any useful advice because I often feel the same way myself. From your post, I would say of course people are better off for you existing - your family and the children you teach - I know, though, that logic goes out of the window at this sort of time. I also know that the GP just bungs you on ADs regardless of the side-effects so I understand your reluctance to go there. Do you think ADs would help at the moment - is it worth the side-effects if they can bring you some mental balance?

Have you talked to your partner about how you are feeling?

Hang in there .

Oh OP. You sound like me a few years ago. I wish you would believe me when I say it can get better but I know from experience that you probably don't feel like that right now.

ADs are not the only help. Can you see someone, a counsellor? I thought it wouldn't make any difference but I found a woman who really helped me and I still see her now even though I'm much better. It gives you a space to talk and be heard and in my case, have my way of thinking questioned which was what I needed sometimes!

Please look into this. You're not a waste, you're not unimportant, your daughter does need you, you just can't see it right now that's all. There are people who can help you, please try and seek them out, for your little girls sake if not for your own right now

As PP said, depression is a bully inside your own head. Don't let it win, you can get through it x

I know it’s boring and advice people don’t want to hear but alcohol is a depressant. It may help you sleep at night and may make you feel better at the time as a distraction but ultimately it’s a circle of depression that won’t lift if it’s a heavy or nightly thing when already feeling depressed.

I just don't think I'm designed to cope with things like everyone else does.

Our situations couldn’t be further apart as I’m single and no children but I recognised what you were saying in your post and how you are feeling. I think most people think like this at some point in their lives. You may be struggling at the moment but believe me, you are not the only one that feels like this and it’s certainly not abnormal

Call the Samaritans on 116 123. They helped me, and delivered brilliant MH first aid. And seeing your GP is an absolute must. How old is your daughter OP? Can you talk to your health visitor?

Can you afford to see a psychologist or a therapist?

Alcohol makes bad feelings so much worse. Can you try to cut down a little bit each day? You are salvageable, you are not pathetic. You're the most wonderful thing in the universe to your little girl.
Depression is an evil thing and it tells you lies. You can feel better. Just talking to your doctor would be a start, you don't have to take anything if you really don't want to but they can help you.

Please do see your GP. It’s the MH issues making you feel like this. I have finally found the right dose of the right pill and it’s been a lifesaver.
But it’s not the only thing available. CBT. Other therapies.
Tried mindfulness?
Definitely stop the drinking (or reduce!) it is a depressive and might knock you out but you won’t get good quality sleep and wake refreshed.

No advice that pp haven't already given, except babies/toddler often seem to prefer other people for entertainment and socialisation, but that because they're secure that their mother is there for for them. It's a sign you're doing a good job.

I'm so sorry you feel so low right now.
Others have given good advice - I hope following it will make you feel yourself again soon.
It's not you. It's an illness and you CAN get better xx

Your baby daughter would most definitely not be better off without her mum. Even if you think she prefers socializing with others I imagine that's because she's so confident and secure in your love for her.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. Depression is a cruel illness, but that's what it is - an illness. It's telling you things that simply aren't true. I'm sorry I don't have any good advise besides the usual - GP/ or Counseling to really get to the root of the issue? I'm assuming this stemmed from childhood/trauma if you were an inpatient in your teens? If not, then perhaps work with your GP to try to find some different medication that will give you that chemical balance without making you feel rubbish.

Take care

You can text Shout to 85258 for free text support, they have trained volunteers who will listen and offer as much help as they can by listening and offering resources.

I agree it’s important to see the GP. Talk through the side effects you’ve had on ADs, there may be better options to try. They may also be able to arrange some counselling. Have a look into online self help resources, maybe CBT. Try and cut down on your drinking. Your family do need you and you deserve to feel better then this.

I do understand what you are saying and although our situations are pretty different I have felt similar.
The biggest difference to me has been finding the right kind of psychotherapy/counselling. The therapies on offer via the NHS are pretty limited so if you have only expended this, then there well night be something else out there that will help.
Teaching is intensely draining at the best of times without any other issues
Private therapy is expensive but I try and make it one of my top priorities expenses wise because it makes a massive difference.

Are you in a position to stop working at all, and to just concentrate on the things that matter, meaning you mostly. Just time out and have a steady day to day life, to get your mind in order again.

Drinking too much is easy, but not the way to go. I am not sure about medication stuff, as never had to use as such. Others here will give you advice and hope, for the way you feel right now I am sure.
Best wishes to you.

Oh @SideEyeing you are clearly having a really rough time of things, you poor woman. You're not alone in feeling this way and you don't have to cope with all of this on your own either.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone of our usual disclaimer that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly

Thank you so much for the responses. All of you have really helped. As for seeing someone, I would like to.. But financially it is a stretch at the moment as I'm only just being paid again after mat leave.

I just feel sad and flat, interspersed with periods of total panic and despair. My DH tries to help sometimes but I feel like I'm a drain on him and he's very solutions focused.. Which is great, but he doesn't understand things he can't fix straight away.

I'm just worried my shit "vibe" will rub off on my daughter. I feel like if I disappeared now she wouldn't remember me anyway, and she'd have the chance to grow up without a potentially toxic influence.

Please do try and make some kind of financial priority for some decent therapy.