To ask if you’ve had an eating disorder and how you realised you had a problem?

[Roseivy44]

Name change for this. Genuinely unsure as to where ‘just wanting to be a bit healthier/lose a bit of weight’ strays into disordered eating territory.

Like quite a lot of people I have put on a few KGs during lockdown for various reasons (probably mix of WFH, comfort eating etc.) - I‘m technically a ‘healthy’ BMI (about 20.5) but since I weighed myself a few weeks ago I am absolutely consumed with the fact that I need to lose weight.

I’ve decided I need to lose 8kg. My clothes still fit and my DP tells me he thinks I’m being ridiculous but I can’t stop looking at my body and just hating it. I spend ages looking at old pics to see if I can see a difference.

I’ve been tracking my calories every day for the last few weeks now but I don’t really know how many I should be eating - MFP reckons about 1300 for my weight loss goal. I am doing that most days as well as doing 5:2 so for 2 days I am eating about 800 calories.

The thing that worries me the most is that I’ve taken to scrolling TikTok when bored, originally for funny videos but more and more I’m seeing endless ‘what I eat in a day’ videos and lots of ‘eating disorder recovery’ videos where people are showing how many lovely big meals and snacks they are eating.

I KNOW that eating disorders are terrible and dangerous and these poor women have been very sick. But I am ashamed to say this but I feel a sick sort of envy towards these people who have to GAIN weight and can eat whatever they want.

I would love to be so skinny that people are telling me to eat more. Not so much that I’m really unhealthy and losing period etc but enough that I’m noticeably really thin and I could safely eat whatever I want (pasta etc) without worrying about calories.

I have never been remotely overweight so it’s not even like this is a past trauma of being fat or anything. I realise how mental this sounds and I’m ashamed to write it but I wondered if anyone else feels like this.

Where does somewhat healthy weight loss to get ‘back into shape’ end and eating disorder territory start?

This is the first time I've ever discussed this with anyone so I've name changed.
My food issues started at school. It was around the time Jamie Oliver was tearing apart school dinners, chicken nuggets etc.
I was brought up on good, healthy home cooked food with a balanced diet. Never worried about food untill I was in year 6 and they took turkey twizzlers away. Suddenly, everywhere I went my 11 year old brain was being bombarded with 'healthy eating'
I started watching documentaries on how things were made and it put me off so much.
By the time I was 12 and starting secondary school I was obsessed.
I would only eat salad, vegetables and chicken breast/lean meat. I refused pudding because of the sugar content, but I always said I was full rather than be honest. I picked off every scrap of fat off my food. But I still ate till I was full.
Then my grandma started complaining I was too thin, I wasn't, I was healthy, because although I was restricting my diet I was still eating enough and it was still balanced, but she wanted me to be fat and round like when I was 3.
Time passed and more people started to comment on my figure as I got older. Always complimenting how I was thin. But I didnt feel it, I was a size 10 at 14, very tall and a healthy size but I felt fat. All the girls in the magazine's were size 0 and I wanted that. So when people were looking, I gorged, I really enjoyed my food, but felt guilty afterwards.

When there was no-one to see, I took pleasure in abstaining from food. I would make a mess in the kitchen so it looked like I'd eaten, then give it to the dog. If I went to a friend's house, I'd tell them I'd eaten at home, and when I went home I would say I'd eaten at friends. At 16 mum took me to a dietician. She wanted me diagnosed with an eating disorder. She knew deep down. But I was wise by now. I'd seen what they did to anorexic girls. Lock them up and force feed them. I wasn't anorexic though, I ate, just wanted to buy smaller jeans, or that's what was in my head. I answered the questions on the questionnaire so they were the 'right answers' and they dietician gave me some shakes and said come back once a fortnight to be weighed.
I kept my weight steady for 6 months to prove the shakes didn't work and I just had a fast metabolism. It worked, discharged and told to exercise more to build up muscle mass, self refer to physio for ideas.
So I won. Mum was wrong. But she wasn't really, I see that now.
I got to a size 0. I felt great. By the time I was at 6th form and partying all the time I was a perfect 0.
Perfect make up, perfect hair, perfect size. But couldn't stay awake a full day.
Then I got pregnant at 19 and was showing at 8 weeks. That was a shock.
Started "eating for two" and my habits went the other way. Constantly eating. I honestly think my baby saved me though. I was only 8 stone and 5foot5 when she was born at 34 weeks and she was a big baby for her gestation.
I still have issues with food now but I am in control. I realise how dangerous my position was. But to this day nobody really knows what was going on in my head.
If you think you are sick, please reach out to a professional. Is wish I had.

Wow that's longer than I thought it would be. Sorry.

As someone who has struggled with an eating disorder for almost 20 years, I urge you to speak to a professional at this stage. The vast majority of eating disorders start this way (not seeming too serious, just wanting to lose a few kilos so that we can be 'happy') but your happiness is not related to your weight, no matter how much you try to convince yourself that it is. Once you reach your goal, you are likely to be disappointed that it doesn't make you feel happy, and to try to lose a bit more. Once you have more experience or practise with these unhealthy behaviours, they become MUCH more difficult to undo. Early intervention is key to recovery. As others have said, it is not your weight that gives cause for concern, but your thought processes and feelings around your body and food.

Also, an eating disorder specialist does not necessarily encourage you to put weight on (or even stop you trying to lose it) - you are in complete control of how you manage your behaviours, but they will help you to work out why you feel the way you do and how you might be able to take a step back from those negative thoughts so that you can focus on what you really need.

Finally, whilst you say that you will never be an athlete, it is worth exploring different exercises if there is anything you haven't tried before. I always felt that I hated exercise as I never found one I enjoyed or was good at, then I found a fitness class I loved (both for the social aspect and the strength it gave me - much more my style than cardio based classes) and that gave me a way to improve my body in a much healthier way (not to say I don't still have huge issues with my eating disorder, but that the exercise is good for your physical and mental health regardless of whether it stops you from wanting to restrict food).

I think you are in the classic position of not being very happy and thinking that's because of your weight. You think that if your weight was better (lower) then you would be happier. It really isn't like that when you are a healthy weight anyway.

I would delete Tik Tok and, for that matter, any social media that makes you compare yourself to others. Then try to focus on other interests and hobbies. Go for long walks with your partner. Do things to take your mind off food - creating something through knitting or crochet or art or writing is a very good thing to do to empty your mind. Don't mix with people who make you feel bad about yourself - just refuse to see them. Happiness is the key and lowering your already low weight won't bring that about.

Hello everyone.

We've had a few reports from Mumsnetters concerned about this thread. While we're always amazed by some of the excellent advice and support offered on Mumsnet, there's really no substitute for proper medical attention. We strongly encourage anyone who feels they need help due to an eating disorder to see their doctor.

You may also find some helpful info on our mental health webguide.

We're moving this thread to our Mental Health section now.

I have to say I am surprised by the responses - I really thought this is how most people feel.

No it really, really isn't. Most people would be baffled by anyone your size wanting to lose weight at all. Most people do not spend their time scanning media for skinny people. Most people do not feel actual fear at the idea of putting on a few pounds. The fact that you think this is at all normal is very worrying. I'm no expert at all but I've had friends who had eating disorders in their 20s. Visited one in a clinic (grim). I think for many it's something that will mentally stay with them for the rest if their lives even if they manage to overcome the eating behaviours. Deal with this now, OP, or you may be stuck with these feelings for many years. I've also taught girls who have inherited this kind of warped attitude to food from their mothers. It's very sad to see.

I’ve deleted my fitness pal!!!

Ihave heard of intuitive eating but what if intuitively I want to eat pasta and pesto, McDonald’s and chocolate every day?I would be huge!!!

This is probably because you are hungry, and have been for a while. Healthy eating fluctuates, it's normal to eat more in a restaurant and just feel like eating less the next day, or enjoy fresh crunchy veg after the indulgences of December. Food is more than just calories in/out and a life of rigidly planning weekly mealplans to schedule hungry days is dismal.

You are chasing a 'happy' weight you may never arrive at. You know you are objectively slim now so this would suggest you have a distorted view of your body. I totally agree that it would be sensible to approach your GP, these thoughts can escalate quickly.

I would delete Tik Tok and, for that matter, any social media that makes you compare yourself to others. Then try to focus on other interests and hobbies. Go for long walks with your partner. Do things to take your mind off food - creating something through knitting or crochet or art or writing is a very good thing to do to empty your mind. Don't mix with people who make you feel bad about yourself - just refuse to see them. Happiness is the key and lowering your already low weight won't bring that about.

Good sensible advice!
OP I really think you should delete ALL social media, it’s making you think in a really disordered way.
Have you ever tried meditating? It can help you become aware of your thought patterns and triggers, so that you can find healthier mental habits.

Rosieivy44 - yes I have a mental illness and have a psychiatrist, soon to have a cpn. I used to go to an Ed support group but it was strange as the people who ran the group had their favourites who competed with each other! My Fiance is very supportive but old habits and all that I guess! I worked hard all my life to financially support my exes and support them in other ways to the detriment of myself. I have a degree and studied mental health within it, I have a mental illness and so do couple of my family members so loads of experience. I asked my psychiatrist why do I have all of this experience and knowledge but when it comes to myself I can't apply it etc. She said it's not that simple unfortunately! My mental health and a spinal condition I have which will improve after an operation make it difficult for me to work so my Fiance and I discussed it and he especially felt that right now it's better I don't work and concentrate on myself. I so badly want to be productive and contribute again but as my psychiatrist and Fiance said there are so many ways to contribute etc other than work. I guess it is true.

I didn't have the realisation that I had an eating disorder I was told I had one. By this point I had a whole list of awful behaviours and my physical and mental health were poor.

One thing I can promise you, if this is the start of an eating disorder you will never feel thin enough, you will never look slim enough in your eyes, in fact you will probably feel bigger than you do now. The goal for tomorrow will always be eat less weight less regardless of the number on the scale.

By the time I received treatment I was about 2 years into my eating disorder and about 1 year since it had been all consuming. It continued to pop up in moments of high stress for the following 10 years. The intervals between relapses increased over the years, it has now been a couple of years since my last blip but this is purely due to hard work sensoring some of the thoughts you have highlighted - assigning foods as good /bad, dictating what I can eat tomorrow based on how I feel today and measuring the opinion of my self by the number on the scale.

Save yourself years or pain and reach out now.

How is your life otherwise? My ED behaviours are rarely there in isolation, there is nearly always a trigger completely unrelated to food and my size that sets off my ED brain. Often it is something that I feel is beyond my control

Hi OP. Wanted to come and give you some support and solidarity as I am going through similar. You are not the only one!

Have done years and years of calorie counting and restriction on MFP (now deleted) to the point of weighing and measuring every single thing that went into my body - cooking oil, herbs, spices, the dash of milk in my tea, everything! Always moving my weightloss goal downwards, eventually to the point of aiming to be at an underweight BMI so, like you mention, I could then stuff my face with food to get back to a healthy weight. The constant restriction has now led me to binge eat and then purge to get rid of the "bad" foods and the guilt.

I am really pleased to see you have deleted MFP. What a great first step; you should be proud of yourself.

What was the point I realised this was an ED? Possibly realising how every waking moment of my day is occupied with thinking about food, when I can eat, what I can eat, weighing out portions, weighing myself, wondering when I can fit in enough exercise to burn off the calories. This is not how normal, healthy people think. Healthy people recognise they are hungry, eat enough to feel satisfied, then just go about their day again.

I now have an appointment to discuss with my GP this week and am hoping for a referral for some support to recover. Knowing there is a small glimmer of hope is great. I would encourage you to make today the day you reach out for some support too, OP.

OP, take it from someone who has had anorexia on and off for 20 years. There is no weight at which people with an feel comfortable eating what we want and don't worry about calories. There is always a reason to lose more. My BMI is 17.5 and I have plenty of 'perfectly reasonable' reasons to lose more.