To ask if you’ve had an eating disorder and how you realised you had a problem?

[Roseivy44]

Name change for this. Genuinely unsure as to where ‘just wanting to be a bit healthier/lose a bit of weight’ strays into disordered eating territory.

Like quite a lot of people I have put on a few KGs during lockdown for various reasons (probably mix of WFH, comfort eating etc.) - I‘m technically a ‘healthy’ BMI (about 20.5) but since I weighed myself a few weeks ago I am absolutely consumed with the fact that I need to lose weight.

I’ve decided I need to lose 8kg. My clothes still fit and my DP tells me he thinks I’m being ridiculous but I can’t stop looking at my body and just hating it. I spend ages looking at old pics to see if I can see a difference.

I’ve been tracking my calories every day for the last few weeks now but I don’t really know how many I should be eating - MFP reckons about 1300 for my weight loss goal. I am doing that most days as well as doing 5:2 so for 2 days I am eating about 800 calories.

The thing that worries me the most is that I’ve taken to scrolling TikTok when bored, originally for funny videos but more and more I’m seeing endless ‘what I eat in a day’ videos and lots of ‘eating disorder recovery’ videos where people are showing how many lovely big meals and snacks they are eating.

I KNOW that eating disorders are terrible and dangerous and these poor women have been very sick. But I am ashamed to say this but I feel a sick sort of envy towards these people who have to GAIN weight and can eat whatever they want.

I would love to be so skinny that people are telling me to eat more. Not so much that I’m really unhealthy and losing period etc but enough that I’m noticeably really thin and I could safely eat whatever I want (pasta etc) without worrying about calories.

I have never been remotely overweight so it’s not even like this is a past trauma of being fat or anything. I realise how mental this sounds and I’m ashamed to write it but I wondered if anyone else feels like this.

Where does somewhat healthy weight loss to get ‘back into shape’ end and eating disorder territory start?

Sorry you're going through this OP - I do think you should maybe talk to someone as it sounds like you have disordered thinking around food, if not a full on ED.

I've put on at least a stone during the last few months (food became a real focus during lockdown) and I'm even worse than you as none of my clothes fit me anymore . I'm veering towards overweight so need to do something about it, but I love my food and it makes me happy - I don't have enough guilt to stop me eating cake but then I strongly believe that 'guilt' is a terribly damaging feeling to associate with food.

However, you say you've put on 6kg but you want to lose 8 - why the extra 2kg? You're using lots of words in your posts that are throwing up red flags for me - 'shock', 'scared', 'envious', 'hate', 'panic', 'depressing', 'huge blow', 'freak out'.

Is there anything else going on in your life that is upsetting you or you can't control? Apologies in advance and I'm not trying to diagnose you over the interweb but wondering why you think you would be happier if you were thinner? I would delete TikTok for starters, there's lots of toxic stuff on there.

for you x

@StepBackPlease

Sorry you're going through this OP - I do think you should maybe talk to someone as it sounds like you have disordered thinking around food, if not a full on ED.

I've put on at least a stone during the last few months (food became a real focus during lockdown) and I'm even worse than you as none of my clothes fit me anymore . I'm veering towards overweight so need to do something about it, but I love my food and it makes me happy - I don't have enough guilt to stop me eating cake but then I strongly believe that 'guilt' is a terribly damaging feeling to associate with food.

However, you say you've put on 6kg but you want to lose 8 - why the extra 2kg? You're using lots of words in your posts that are throwing up red flags for me - 'shock', 'scared', 'envious', 'hate', 'panic', 'depressing', 'huge blow', 'freak out'.

Is there anything else going on in your life that is upsetting you or you can't control? Apologies in advance and I'm not trying to diagnose you over the interweb but wondering why you think you would be happier if you were thinner? I would delete TikTok for starters, there's lots of toxic stuff on there.

for you x

Thanks for this. I’m not sure why I want the extra 2kg off - I think because it would take me to the lowest edge of ‘healthy’ BMI and so I would know I could safely put on weight if I had a few naughty days and still be well within healthy. Writing that down I realise how bad that sounds!

I think generally covid has affected me a lot mentally as I have been WFH for 6 months and hating my job. I thrive on social interaction with colleagues and there’s been next to none. As well as the ongoing worry of covid. I do recognise this is probably a way of me trying to control at least one aspect of my life.

Now you’ve mentioned the red flags I realise it does all sound quite bad, the language I’ve been using. I just fantasise about being really thin and how much better I’d look if I was.

The ridiculous thing is I LOVE food and my fave thing ever is pasta but now I’m having to see it as the biggest treat ever and I probably won’t allow myself any until I’ve lost more weight. I’m allowing myself ‘S’ days to be a bit more naughty but still logging everything.

Once you start logging it just takes all the pleasure out!!!

The more you post, the more you sound like you're at least well on the way to a full-blown ED, if you're not already there. Please take this in the spirit of kindness, but all the red flags are there - particularly when you say you don't want to seek help because you're afraid they'll make you put weight on.

You have the opportunity to nip this in the bud before it goes any further. Don't be me in another 20 years, with a broken metabolism and so convinced of my ugliness that I won't date any more.

@JimmyJabs

The more you post, the more you sound like you're at least well on the way to a full-blown ED, if you're not already there. Please take this in the spirit of kindness, but all the red flags are there - particularly when you say you don't want to seek help because you're afraid they'll make you put weight on.

You have the opportunity to nip this in the bud before it goes any further. Don't be me in another 20 years, with a broken metabolism and so convinced of my ugliness that I won't date any more.

Seriously though, if I’m not underweight (in the middle of healthy BMI!) and not losing weight really quickly - I’m not starving myself so I don’t think I’m in any immediate danger - is this actually reason to seek help?

I don’t know if I’m just finally having the problems that most women have in constantly having to watch their weight??

Oh OP, I really do think you should try and talk to someone - I do understand in a way as there have been times in my life when I've lost weight due to anxiety (had severe postnatal anxiety after my daughter was born and was couldn't eat at all). I remember coming out the other side, getting my appetite back and thinking 'great, I can eat whatever I want, no questions asked, because I can afford to put some weight on!'

However, thinking it in passing and actually being envious of people with eating disorders is a whole other level. I think you're going down a dangerous road and I doubt this is something you can reason yourself out of - you're now associating food with being 'naughty' and something you have to 'allow yourself'. Honestly, calorie counting is one thing but restricting yourself to 1300 calories a day AND THEN fasting on some days as well doesn't sound healthy when you are already within you're recommended BMI.

Do you think you'll be happy if you hit your goal weight? How would you maintain it?

@StepBackPlease

Oh OP, I really do think you should try and talk to someone - I do understand in a way as there have been times in my life when I've lost weight due to anxiety (had severe postnatal anxiety after my daughter was born and was couldn't eat at all). I remember coming out the other side, getting my appetite back and thinking 'great, I can eat whatever I want, no questions asked, because I can afford to put some weight on!'

However, thinking it in passing and actually being envious of people with eating disorders is a whole other level. I think you're going down a dangerous road and I doubt this is something you can reason yourself out of - you're now associating food with being 'naughty' and something you have to 'allow yourself'. Honestly, calorie counting is one thing but restricting yourself to 1300 calories a day AND THEN fasting on some days as well doesn't sound healthy when you are already within you're recommended BMI.

Do you think you'll be happy if you hit your goal weight? How would you maintain it?

I know you are talking sense!

It’s a good question about goal weight - I’m not sure actually as presumably I’d feel like I’d have to carry on eating in a quite controlled way to keep the weight off. But then how does anyone get and stay thin?

I really thought that I needed to be in a calorie deficit every day that I’m not properly fasting in order to keep losing weight - not fast for 2 days and pig out the rest??

The other day I found myself feeling a bit stressed I didn’t know exactly how to log what I had eaten when out with a friend. It didn’t stop me eating it but I felt a bit anxious. I know that’s not good.

NC for this...

I’m an ED therapist & I want to say, PLEASE speak to your GP about these thoughts you’re having. It is totally not normal and as others have said it will keep spiralling.

Deleting MFP would be a huge help but I understand that might feel very scary right now.

You don’t have to be underweight to have an eating disorder, it’s about the thoughts & feelings you have about food and your body. I obviously can’t diagnose you on the internet, but a few things you have said would concern me.

Have a look here and see if anything resonates with you www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/types/do-i-have-an-eating-disorder

But by that token, I didn't need to seek help when I was purging several times per day, since I wasn't underweight. Eating disorders are a mental health issue as much as they are physical. If you have disordered thinking towards food, weight, how 8kg is all that stands between you and happiness... it can still be an eating disorder even if you don't look especially thin. Looking back over your posts, there's nothing about health or even the way you look - it's a belief that you will be happy if you lose weight. I can guarantee that feeling won't just go away when you reach your initial goal, and that's when you start thinking "Just another kilo... and maybe another... ok, just one more".

Have you experienced a loss of control in other areas of your life recently? EDs can be a way of trying to claw some of that back.

Is this what people do!? If they want a big meal or a piece or cake they just don’t eat all day beforehand? Because I can’t see how people keep weight off if not

People who have cracked it eat intuitively. If they fancy cake they eat it, if they fancy salad they eat it, and they allow their weight to fall as it may. Outside of musing on what they might fancy they don't think much about food.

A disordered view of eating would state cake is bad, but cake is just food. You'll feel shitty if you eat it every day, but you will also feel shitty if you long term restrict your diet.

Calorie counting is corrosive for your relationship with food. Your BMI is the lower side of normal, you do not need to lose weight and a considerable weight loss would likely effect your health.

To answer the question in your title - yes, I've had bulimia for 15 years. When did I realise I had a problem? Well, I never felt like I did. Some of the most extreme behaviours made me think MAYBE I needed help, but I was severely ill and addicted to it at that point so it was easier for me to just carry on.

TRIGGER WARNING

For example I used to hide bags of vomit because I was doing it so often and had to do it in my bedroom as the amount of times I went to the bathroom would have made my parents suspicious.

I used to use my toothbrush to make myself sick because I lost my gag reflex, and every time I would bring up loads of blood as it was cutting my throat.

My hair was falling out, my skin was literally flaking off, I was weak, I was spending £40 a day on binge food.

The fact that you are wishing you were skinny enough to be told you need to gain weight, and you seem to be jealous of other people who have eating disorders is worrying I would say. Also the fact it is consuming your thoughts.

Please get help because once you get to your target weight it won't be enough. It's no way to live, and it's not too late.

[quote BlueSkyandClouds]NC for this...

I’m an ED therapist & I want to say, PLEASE speak to your GP about these thoughts you’re having. It is totally not normal and as others have said it will keep spiralling.

Deleting MFP would be a huge help but I understand that might feel very scary right now.

You don’t have to be underweight to have an eating disorder, it’s about the thoughts & feelings you have about food and your body. I obviously can’t diagnose you on the internet, but a few things you have said would concern me.

Have a look here and see if anything resonates with you www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/types/do-i-have-an-eating-disorder[/quote]
Thanks @BlueSkyandClouds - the idea of deleting MFP right now fills me with panic as I won’t know if I’m eating the right number of calories on my fast day so I won’t be able to lose any weight....I know that’s not good. I am just so desperate to get to a weight I feel happy with. I’m fed up of feeling like I’m fatter than I was and I’ve let myself down.

I’ll check out that link - thank you.

@IAmFleshIAmBone

To answer the question in your title - yes, I've had bulimia for 15 years. When did I realise I had a problem? Well, I never felt like I did. Some of the most extreme behaviours made me think MAYBE I needed help, but I was severely ill and addicted to it at that point so it was easier for me to just carry on.

TRIGGER WARNING

For example I used to hide bags of vomit because I was doing it so often and had to do it in my bedroom as the amount of times I went to the bathroom would have made my parents suspicious.

I used to use my toothbrush to make myself sick because I lost my gag reflex, and every time I would bring up loads of blood as it was cutting my throat.

My hair was falling out, my skin was literally flaking off, I was weak, I was spending £40 a day on binge food.

The fact that you are wishing you were skinny enough to be told you need to gain weight, and you seem to be jealous of other people who have eating disorders is worrying I would say. Also the fact it is consuming your thoughts.

Please get help because once you get to your target weight it won't be enough. It's no way to live, and it's not too late.

@IAmFleshIAmBone I am so sorry to hear you went through this - how are you now?

@5amonSunday

Is this what people do!? If they want a big meal or a piece or cake they just don’t eat all day beforehand? Because I can’t see how people keep weight off if not

People who have cracked it eat intuitively. If they fancy cake they eat it, if they fancy salad they eat it, and they allow their weight to fall as it may. Outside of musing on what they might fancy they don't think much about food.

A disordered view of eating would state cake is bad, but cake is just food. You'll feel shitty if you eat it every day, but you will also feel shitty if you long term restrict your diet.

Calorie counting is corrosive for your relationship with food. Your BMI is the lower side of normal, you do not need to lose weight and a considerable weight loss would likely effect your health.

@5amonSunday I have heard of intuitive eating but what if intuitively I want to eat pasta and pesto, McDonald’s and chocolate every day? I would be huge!!!

I am so sorry to hear you went through this - how are you now?

Better than I was! Not totally better but it's a process. I hope you can come through this and realise you are fine the way you are

I knew from very early on as it was the easy way to make my body look a certain way, so it was almost purposely inflicted.

You don’t have to be underweight to be diagnosed with an ED, I was able to maintain and climb in my rugby career when mine was at its most aggressive. Please try to talk to someone in real life.

Name change for this. Unfortunately I could have written your message and so it looks to me like you have an ED or at least an unhealthy relationship to food and dysmorphia. Putting on 8kg would take me precisely to a BMI of 20.5. I have had a BMI of 20.5 before (my max BMI), I was still slim or at least that's what everyone would tell me but I much prefer myself at my current weight and doing everything I can to maintain my current weight, including very unhealthy stuffs.......
The worst thing in all of that is that I have no obvious reason to have an ED. I am in my 40s with a great loving husband, both of us have great jobs and everything that goes with it, great children, no family issues... I guess I am just a perfectionist and for me perfection is having the body you see in magasines...
Do something until it's too late. I feel I left it too late and can't imagine going back to what I was before

I’m not starving myself so I don’t think I’m in any immediate danger - is this actually reason to seek help?

I'd say so, yes. It's not your actual physical weight that means you need help (yet). It's your mental state and psychological relationship to food and weight that screams 'eating disorder'. Every person who ended up hospitalised or worse from an eating disorder started somewhere. The fact that you admit that you want to be 'really thin', that you are terrified by the thought of putting on any weight and that this is occupying all your thoughts are massive red flags.

@Galia2020

Name change for this. Unfortunately I could have written your message and so it looks to me like you have an ED or at least an unhealthy relationship to food and dysmorphia. Putting on 8kg would take me precisely to a BMI of 20.5. I have had a BMI of 20.5 before (my max BMI), I was still slim or at least that's what everyone would tell me but I much prefer myself at my current weight and doing everything I can to maintain my current weight, including very unhealthy stuffs....... The worst thing in all of that is that I have no obvious reason to have an ED. I am in my 40s with a great loving husband, both of us have great jobs and everything that goes with it, great children, no family issues... I guess I am just a perfectionist and for me perfection is having the body you see in magasines... Do something until it's too late. I feel I left it too late and can't imagine going back to what I was before

@Galia2020 sorry to hear this - I am nearly the heaviest I have ever been (think my max ever was a few kilos heavier than my starting weight this time) - so i feel I have let myself down. But I know, like you, if I got to my goal weight I’d then be desperate to keep it that way.

Same as you, other than the stress of this weird covid period and work stress I don’t feel there is anything to have caused this thinking.

@lazylinguist

I’m not starving myself so I don’t think I’m in any immediate danger - is this actually reason to seek help?

I'd say so, yes. It's not your actual physical weight that means you need help (yet). It's your mental state and psychological relationship to food and weight that screams 'eating disorder'. Every person who ended up hospitalised or worse from an eating disorder started somewhere. The fact that you admit that you want to be 'really thin', that you are terrified by the thought of putting on any weight and that this is occupying all your thoughts are massive red flags.

@lazylinguist

I have to say I am surprised by the responses - I really thought this is how most people feel. I am grateful for people taking the time to reply though.

I unfortunately think some of my female relatives have unhealthy relationships with food/diet as well so maybe I have been made to think this is normal.

My eating disorder began in my 20s. It was related to abuse (1st exh) and I would think he would be nice if I was thinner etc etc. I was already skinny. When I met my 2 exh it took back seat as he said that I didn't need to lose weight etc. He was addicted to porn and I thought if I was good enough and thin enough he would not need to look at it. We didn't have sex so he didn't see me naked any more so it was easy to hide the weight loss. One day he saw and was horrified. Didn't stop me though. I have put on a bit of weight since meeting my Fiance due to in part medication and a spinal issue. He tells me I'm gorgeous etc and says I don't need to lose weight but my Ed has reared it's head. I am purging again. I will go all day on a small bowl of corn flakes and several pieces of fruit. I will eat with him in the evening but I will purge. I'm fed up of it all. I just want to be skinny again and I'm determined that I will.

@Roseivy44 It's already a step forward for you to have written this post. For me it's been a year and I have never initiated a post on that. I responded to your message as your situation looked so similar to mine.
Don't do like me and don't think too much, just go and see your GP asap before the problem gets too engrained

@fantasmasgoria1

My eating disorder began in my 20s. It was related to abuse (1st exh) and I would think he would be nice if I was thinner etc etc. I was already skinny. When I met my 2 exh it took back seat as he said that I didn't need to lose weight etc. He was addicted to porn and I thought if I was good enough and thin enough he would not need to look at it. We didn't have sex so he didn't see me naked any more so it was easy to hide the weight loss. One day he saw and was horrified. Didn't stop me though. I have put on a bit of weight since meeting my Fiance due to in part medication and a spinal issue. He tells me I'm gorgeous etc and says I don't need to lose weight but my Ed has reared it's head. I am purging again. I will go all day on a small bowl of corn flakes and several pieces of fruit. I will eat with him in the evening but I will purge. I'm fed up of it all. I just want to be skinny again and I'm determined that I will.

@fantasmasgoria1 sorry to hear this have you ever sought any help? Some of the responses in this thread may help you too.

[quote Galia2020]@Roseivy44 It's already a step forward for you to have written this post. For me it's been a year and I have never initiated a post on that. I responded to your message as your situation looked so similar to mine.
Don't do like me and don't think too much, just go and see your GP asap before the problem gets too engrained [/quote]
@Galia2020 it’s only really been a few weeks/month for me as I didn’t dare weigh myself throughout proper lockdown - so am not sure if I’m just going through a bit of a weird phase and I’ll get over it?!

It feels OTT to go to the GP because I had a melt down about my weight a few weeks ago and want to lose some weight now?

I’ve just never felt this consumed by it and so drawn into the videos I’ve been seeing etc. I’m literally worried about what I’m going to eat for the rest of the week because I don’t think I’ve got enough low carb/low cal stuff in.

However I am looking forward to the weekend as I’ve got eating out plans and I know I’ll let myself get what I want

I was the same when it started. I became obsessed with food or I should say trying to minimise my food intake or the calories, spent a lot of time reading about diets, became really envious of very skinny people, was anxious when eating out in restaurants/would look up the menu beforehand to try and find a low calorie option and reassure myself...
My weight plummeted but it was also due minor health issues (I had to have an operation etc) and since I got to my desired weight I’ve been desperate to maintain it and even sometimes find myself too big despite being below the healthy BMI threshold.
I am not saying you will necessarily get there but it always starts the same way so you are clearly at risk and I don’t think there is any harm in asking the GP for a referral.

I hope you will stay well

OP, can I ask how old you are? I only ask because you sound very much like me at 25ish - I never thought about my weight or my diet, had no idea what I weighed, and if my body changed in response to indulgences it didn't really show enough for me to notice. Then I gained weight pretty rapidly when I moved in with my partner; like you I was never medically overweight even at my heaviest but was unhappy with the gain as I wasn't used to it. It might have been an age thing but it was mostly a lifestyle change, which might be similar circumstances to you with lockdown. (Which would be a bonus, as lockdown isn't forever!)

I'm not at all qualified to comment on the eating disorder side and don't want to minimise it at all, but your experience doesn't sound all that uncommon for women of a certain age who experience a lifestyle change, possibly coupled with age-related physical changes, which suddenly brings weight into focus for them. It can be a bit of a shock and psychologically challenging to suddenly have to actively consider something that you'd always been oblivious to. All I wanted to say is that I had a bit of a tantrum before coming to terms with the fact that I had to actually think about my diet if I wanted to maintain my weight, but I am now (at 32) completely used to it. It took me a bit of feeling deprived before I found my rhythm, but it became habit very quickly, and once that happened it stopped occupying my thoughts. And there is a lot of middle ground between keeping a bit of an eye on things and the life of misery you fear. I only watch what I eat during the week, and then do what I like on weekends (that's where all the pasta and cake happens) so it no longer feels at all like deprivation, it's just routine.

Like I say, I don't want to discourage you from seeking help if you feel you have a problem, but it may just be a bit of a psychological crisis brought about by an adjustment period. The main thing if this resonates with you is to be kind to yourself and recognise that it'll take a bit of getting used to.

And it sounds like Tik Tok really isn't helping!