I can't do this anymore

[alwaysscared]

I don't know why I am writing this post but I just want to get it all out.
I am not in a good place. I have a phobia of vomit which has completely taken over my life, getting worse and worse since my son was born 7 years ago.
I now have severe OCD, depression and GAD and I have been classified as having severe and enduring mental health problems by my psychiatrist.
I take a 2 strong medications for my issues but I am just getting worse.
Before lockdown I had a support worker who would accompany me to my therapy appointments but that has all been cut back.
The therapist I see is the highest tier the NHS offer before inpatient treatment, and I am getting nowhere with them, especially since I can only see them via video call now.
I am in a living hell and there is nothing I can do about it.
My DH burst into tears tonight as he just can't cope with me anymore, the constant questions and checking and compulsions.
I don't want to be here anymore but would never do anything because of my son. I can't even imagine what his life would be like if I took my own life.
I don't know what to do. I spend most of my time in bed because I am exhausted due to my constant anxiety and medications.
I know my family would do better without me but they obviously don't see it that way and, like I said, I wouldn't do anything to myself.
I am intelligent and articulate but the irrational side of my brain takes over the rational side 100%
I have had every type of therapy there is and spent £1000s, including a four week stay in a clinic that was no help at all
I just want it all to go away

Hi OP. I’m so sorry to read your post. I wonder if you have looked into Eastern medicine/therapy? There is so much we don’t know about how our minds work and I think there’s a lot of wisdom in the older Eastern traditions. First, perhaps start with the idea that your so called ‘problems’ might be serving a purpose to get your attention. Don’t stop looking for the reason Why. 💐

www.goodreads.com/book/show/687278.When_Things_Fall_Apart

so sorry you are feeling like this OP. It sounds exhausting.
Well done for carrying on with everything you need to do, even though its hard.
Do you have support from anyone? Are there other medications you could try? Have you tried talking to a different type of counsellor, like person-centred instead of cbt?
I hope you have some good days soon.

Thanks, yes I think they definitely serve some purpose but I can't get to the root of what the purpose is, other than protecting myself. I will have a look at the article, thank you

I have tried about 7 different meds and have tried all types of counselling/therapy there is
I just feel so useless that I can't get anything to work for me

Which types of therapy have you actually tried? I'm sorry things feel so impossible

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I have been in a very bad place myself. I learned that when you are at rock bottom the only way is up. Sounds trite but that's what happened to me.

I had a friend who would tell me that there is light at the end of the tunnel, only I couldn't see it as it was just round the bend.

You sound so hopeless.

I decided to try to do some small thing for myself each day to calm myself and discovered Brad Yates

Just give it a go.

Brad Yates has so many videos on YT. I find the repetition of the tapping calming and that makes it easier to believe it's effective. I hope it helps.

I'll have a look thanks.
I have tried CBT, EMDR, person focussed, thrive, regular counselling, hypnotherapy, chi gong healing, acupuncture, private psychotherapy, private psychiatry, IPT, behavioural activation, MBTC and many more that I can't remember now. I have had GAD for 26 years but the other problems have become much more of an issue since my child.
I had my first panic attack at 11 and just never not had issues

Oh yes, and I've done tapping too

Hi just came on here to say you've been so brave to post and share how you feel.im feeling really low at the moment too,issues relating to my autistic son and writing on here I've received some really helpful advice and some kind words which go a long way.i just want to say you're not alone feeling like you do,theres loads of us rules by our thoughts and overthinking.when I feel worked up or feel myself spiralling with worry and feelings of hopelessness I talk to myself ,literally,
i say breathe it's ok,we are all humans,none of us are perfect,nobody is entirely happy,everyone worries to an extent, we are all here for a certain number of years and one day we are not here anymore and therefore what is the point of me worrying.if I cant change it why worry about it,i say NO! dont do it anymore.
I know it sounds crazy but saying these things to myself help.
Another coping method I use is writing all my worries on paper as they seem less daunting and scary when wrote down.
Same goes for vocalising all my worries.
I do this by saying to my husband just let me say all my worries to you, I dont want you to be angry or judge or stress but I need to get them out.

These are all coping methods I've used and they help,I hope they can help you too,please try.
Standing in solidarity with you.

Hi Op, I'm sorry to hear things have got so bad for you. Is there an option for inpatient care as it sounds as though you have tried everything else.
It may be that you need specialist help and I know people who have had good results from working with specialists in OCD. There are not many services in the UK providing this, 2 or 3 in all I think.
There is also neurosurgery for those who don't get better with traditional behavioural therapy, that is a last resort but some people have got relief from it.

I think you need to speak to psychiatrist and see if they feel you might be able to be referred for specialist help. Severe OCD can take over people's lives completely but there is help out there and it doesn't have to be like this.

I was in a bad place for years. There was a shop
In Bluewater in Kent that sold a lot of spiritual stuff. The staff were lovely. I'd have a browse and always seemed to find something relevant, whether it was a book or a CD. I was having horrendous panic attacks at the time. I'd listen to Chakra cleansing CDs and they would keep my mind occupied until I fell asleep etc

It was there I found my belief that I would be ok. Not from my Dr. Who was lovely btw. That shop provided a totally different perspective. That's all I can say.

If you need to be in bed then be there.
You are so strong and so brave to be struggling so hard and be so open and honest about it.
What does your therapist say? Can they see progress or are they considering in patient care?
You do sound intelligent and self aware but also tortured and desperate.
Do you have a crisis team you can contact? Samaritans? Other RL help?
And OP. I have anxiety and it is shit. But I have found a medication that really really helps. The CBT helps a bit and my animals help a lot. (I know that sounds stupid but a walk amongst the trees with my dogs is the best therapy for me.)

OP - having tried all those therapies- is there any insight emerging?
Don’t feel you have to share it if there is..
I’m sorry this is so bad for you.
When you are asking questions all the time what sort of questions are they?

Thank you all, I really appreciate your comments.
I would reply individually but I am on the phone app and it's difficult to keep going back and forth to comments
I have gleaned some inside, possibly around early years when my parents split, or when my dad passed away when I was 10, but I find it really hard to accept that these are the causes, I don't know why
I have been told that I am stuck in the grief cycle, at denial, not denial of death bit of feelings. So I use all my compulsions and obsessions to protect myself from my feelings
They are considering inpatient care but I only know of one place, which is the Anxiety Disorder Residential Unit at the Maudsley Hospital, although this is temporarily closed due to COVID
One thing that they have definitely agreed on is that a psych ward would be the worst place for me due to my phobia/OCD
I do write down a lot of my feelings and try and rationalise them if I am having a better day
I'm so sorry there are others suffering, I wouldn't wish mental health problems on anyone
On the outside I have a great life, great family etc but on the inside I'm dying

I have been known to ask others to check things. Like I’ve locked the car.
I don’t care why I’m like I am. Knowing the multitude of reasons won’t change a thing. For me I need coping strategies.
Ways to help me focus on stuff.
Distraction.
Time outside.
Practical and physical things. And rewards for doing tasks I find hard.
At the moment it’s awful. But the inside can catch up with the great outside. You deserve the help and support OP.

The questions I ask are always about health, how you feeling, how's DS, is that in date, is that cooked, are you sure you are ok, are you sure DS is ok
Many, many more
And repeat, and repeat, and repeat

@alwaysscared

Thank you all, I really appreciate your comments. I would reply individually but I am on the phone app and it's difficult to keep going back and forth to comments I have gleaned some inside, possibly around early years when my parents split, or when my dad passed away when I was 10, but I find it really hard to accept that these are the causes, I don't know why I have been told that I am stuck in the grief cycle, at denial, not denial of death bit of feelings. So I use all my compulsions and obsessions to protect myself from my feelings They are considering inpatient care but I only know of one place, which is the Anxiety Disorder Residential Unit at the Maudsley Hospital, although this is temporarily closed due to COVID One thing that they have definitely agreed on is that a psych ward would be the worst place for me due to my phobia/OCD I do write down a lot of my feelings and try and rationalise them if I am having a better day I'm so sorry there are others suffering, I wouldn't wish mental health problems on anyone On the outside I have a great life, great family etc but on the inside I'm dying

This sounds such a very difficult place to be and I’m sorry that you are suffering so much at the moment. The only place you can start is from where you are now and to understand that your feelings are valid and they are your signposts so expressing them is important as difficult as that might be. From what you have said you are starting to understand that you have experiences that are stuck in your implicit memory that you aren’t able to consciously access and all your behaviours are protecting you from re experiencing some stuff that is just so very difficult....it literally is unbearable to you. The only way to deal with it is to accept that part of you is suffering and attempt to reconcile with it. A good therapist will help you to examine the unbearable stuff and integrate it. As a child you had no adult resources with which to navigate those early experiences so they got locked down. A therapist could help you back to your emotional core. It’s not easy. But none of this is your fault. It just is, what is, if that makes sense. Then you can start to integrate the lonely frightened inner child with the rest of you and your life. I hope it helps a little to know that others have walked this road before and come through it.

@Wolfiefan

If you need to be in bed then be there. You are so strong and so brave to be struggling so hard and be so open and honest about it. What does your therapist say? Can they see progress or are they considering in patient care? You do sound intelligent and self aware but also tortured and desperate. Do you have a crisis team you can contact? Samaritans? Other RL help? And OP. I have anxiety and it is shit. But I have found a medication that really really helps. The CBT helps a bit and my animals help a lot. (I know that sounds stupid but a walk amongst the trees with my dogs is the best therapy for me.)

Being in nature and with animals sounds like a wonderful way to bring you into the present moment. It’s great that you found these ways of helping yourself. I hope the anxiety continues to recede.

Things that worry me I check myself. So I cook. I cut things up before serving to check. That way I don’t have to ask.
I look at the date and check the date on my phone so I know.
I ask if they’re alright. Or I may ask if they know I love them. I may just say something I love about them or mention something I think is amazing about them.

I'm thinking, just stay in bed and wait. It might take years but your condition will change. Mine did.

I also recall my dd being very ill, and her thinking that if she could be alive for her own daughter, she would, even if it was a life in bed. We are depressives so that was an amazingly positive thought about her situation. Your child will appreciate your staying around - it will mean everything to them.

I don't know why you are hurting and I can't fix it but I hope you will get the help you need, soon.

@Marj99 thanks for your lovely comments. Some days are better than others. But I have coping strategies and know to give myself a pass when I have a truly rubbish day. It’s not my fault. I can only do my best.

@Whyme21

Hi just came on here to say you've been so brave to post and share how you feel.im feeling really low at the moment too,issues relating to my autistic son and writing on here I've received some really helpful advice and some kind words which go a long way.i just want to say you're not alone feeling like you do,theres loads of us rules by our thoughts and overthinking.when I feel worked up or feel myself spiralling with worry and feelings of hopelessness I talk to myself ,literally, i say breathe it's ok,we are all humans,none of us are perfect,nobody is entirely happy,everyone worries to an extent, we are all here for a certain number of years and one day we are not here anymore and therefore what is the point of me worrying.if I cant change it why worry about it,i say NO! dont do it anymore. I know it sounds crazy but saying these things to myself help. Another coping method I use is writing all my worries on paper as they seem less daunting and scary when wrote down. Same goes for vocalising all my worries. I do this by saying to my husband just let me say all my worries to you, I dont want you to be angry or judge or stress but I need to get them out.

These are all coping methods I've used and they help,I hope they can help you too,please try.
Standing in solidarity with you.

The act of sharing your thoughts with your your husband actually reduces the burden on you. To have the gift to walk alongside others without trying to drag them to some other place is vital. It’s difficult for others not to jump in and try and move you to another place...To be with you, just as you are, is crucial to your emotional well being so well done him for being able to help you to bear that which you can’t bear on your own. There’s no need to try and fix others...if you stay with them long enough they will find the path back to themselves....great job.

Again thank you all for your comments, I have done some inner child work and I know deep down that it is her that is suffering.
One of my therapists told me that I gave away responsibility of my life to my mother when I had my first panic attack at 11, and this does ring true. I think that I never took back that responsibility and so now I have my own child, I don't know how to deal with that responsibility, if that makes sense.
I have a video call with my therapist on Monday, so hoping to gain something from that (not holding out much hope)
It is helping to read all these comments from you all, and again, sorry if I'm not responding individually. Please know that they all mean a lot to me