I can't do this anymore

[alwaysscared]

I don't know why I am writing this post but I just want to get it all out.
I am not in a good place. I have a phobia of vomit which has completely taken over my life, getting worse and worse since my son was born 7 years ago.
I now have severe OCD, depression and GAD and I have been classified as having severe and enduring mental health problems by my psychiatrist.
I take a 2 strong medications for my issues but I am just getting worse.
Before lockdown I had a support worker who would accompany me to my therapy appointments but that has all been cut back.
The therapist I see is the highest tier the NHS offer before inpatient treatment, and I am getting nowhere with them, especially since I can only see them via video call now.
I am in a living hell and there is nothing I can do about it.
My DH burst into tears tonight as he just can't cope with me anymore, the constant questions and checking and compulsions.
I don't want to be here anymore but would never do anything because of my son. I can't even imagine what his life would be like if I took my own life.
I don't know what to do. I spend most of my time in bed because I am exhausted due to my constant anxiety and medications.
I know my family would do better without me but they obviously don't see it that way and, like I said, I wouldn't do anything to myself.
I am intelligent and articulate but the irrational side of my brain takes over the rational side 100%
I have had every type of therapy there is and spent £1000s, including a four week stay in a clinic that was no help at all
I just want it all to go away

[quote Wolfiefan]@Marj99 thanks for your lovely comments. Some days are better than others. But I have coping strategies and know to give myself a pass when I have a truly rubbish day. It’s not my fault. I can only do my best.[/quote]
It’s great that you are managing this and using your inner strength to hold you up. So often when we struggle and have a difficult day we come rushing into the gap with self- criticism and pull our selves down but if we are just able to stand back a little and observe the struggle and let it move downstream without becoming attached to it it is so very very helpful. It’s absolutely not your fault and you are doing brilliantly x

@alwaysscared it does make sense. And sometimes tiny steps are all we can make. But they matter.
@Marj99 I know my faults and sometimes I can have a truly shitty day. Not my fault and doesn’t mean tomorrow has to follow the same pattern. I’m not necessarily doing brilliantly today. But I’m doing ok. And sometimes (just sometimes) I can be a bit awesome.
(My kids are freaking awesome all the time though! )

@alwaysscared

Again thank you all for your comments, I have done some inner child work and I know deep down that it is her that is suffering. One of my therapists told me that I gave away responsibility of my life to my mother when I had my first panic attack at 11, and this does ring true. I think that I never took back that responsibility and so now I have my own child, I don't know how to deal with that responsibility, if that makes sense. I have a video call with my therapist on Monday, so hoping to gain something from that (not holding out much hope) It is helping to read all these comments from you all, and again, sorry if I'm not responding individually. Please know that they all mean a lot to me

Just something to think about that might help a little....as a young child we are totally dependent on our main care giver, usually our mother but could be someone else. When we are tiny we need to have our needs met to become securely attached. In fact as a young baby we can’t differentiate between ourselves and our mothers so when our needs are met...we are fed and warm and dry...we actually believe that we are meeting our own needs. Thus we begin to be able to rely on ourselves, to trust our emotions and as we get bigger we have confidence in our ability, our own internal emotional resources to take care of us. When we get ‘good-enough care’....we are playful, curious and can explore the world and grow....Now the opposite is true...if our needs aren’t met, we become anxious and insecurely attached...and can become hyper vigilant. As we become older it’s vital that our care givers survive to take care of us and so we take on that responsibility doing everything we can to meet their needs and adapt to please them. This pattern often extends into adulthood which is why so many of us adapt and are people pleasers...it’s a primitive way of getting our needs met....Now you’ve experienced a terrible loss in your life and this will have had a profound effect on you as a child..most certainly huge panic about your own survival at some level. I’m giving you this for background information and hope that some of it may help you, to know that yes you suffered as a child but now you are an adult you do have adult resources to mobilise. The answered lie within you and the best therapist will help you find your way back. I hope this helps a little. With all experienced some version of this, none of it is your fault. You were dealt a difficult hand and your persistence says masses about your courage and desire to find your way back to that injured emotional core and heal it. What you are saying makes perfect sense.

[quote Wolfiefan]@alwaysscared it does make sense. And sometimes tiny steps are all we can make. But they matter.
@Marj99 I know my faults and sometimes I can have a truly shitty day. Not my fault and doesn’t mean tomorrow has to follow the same pattern. I’m not necessarily doing brilliantly today. But I’m doing ok. And sometimes (just sometimes) I can be a bit awesome.
(My kids are freaking awesome all the time though! )[/quote]
I bet you can be bloody awesome !!! I’ve got amazing kids who have lived through terrible tragedy but we are a great team 🙂

My kids are far more awesome than I could ever be. If I need inspiration they’re it!