Problems with therapist

[therapistquestion]

I'm having psychodynamic therapy and an having problems with my therapist.

I'm not sure what to do, she keeps coming out with things that I find upsetting. I bring them up with her and the she says something else. We started off on the wrong foot because her style of therapy is to say hello and then remain silent for the whole session while I talk.

I told her that although I appreciate that's her process, I need at least some feedback to show I'm being heard. She seems to have taken that on board but the feedback she's giving doesn't make me feel heard at all, just misunderstood.

One of our biggest problems is incongruence. I've suffered a lot of trauma both as a child and an adult and find it difficult to be vulnerable with someone I barely know and to show them that vulnerability. She keeps telling me that it sound as though I'm telling her stories. I'm not sure how to interpret that. The week before she told me that it was like I had an agenda because I wanted to talk about issues raised in the last session.

I find talking about these incidents upsetting and traumatic and feel as though that trauma is not being empathised with but misinterpreted. I am bringing these problems back into every therapy session but then something happens again that I'm finding upsetting. I feel judged. Like I should be acting in a certain way and because I'm not on the floor sobbing, I'm strange.

She sounds awful. I don't care what brand of therapy she is allegedly practising, or if she is a trainee, or what. Just awful.

Many people with severe problems go into this field - but most of them are not lacking in empathy, compassion, emotional understanding, basic human kindness, or in selfknowledge.

I loathe your therapist!

It sounds like everything she has said about 'you' is in fact projection, also.

This sounds awful. I had a silent counsellor once years ago and it didnt work for me.

More recrntly I accessed trauma therapy through a charity and it was so si so so different. They were trauma trained for abuse. I felt supported ans the first few sessions were about belping ne to feel safe. It was so the opposite to ehat you describe. There was gentle encouragement to explore the past and to share stories. I found it difficult to show emotion and I know I was "telling the stories". Really common after abuse. But it helped so so so so so much. And the relationship developed. We had a year and I wish it had been longer. It has transformed how I relate to family members and how I feel about my past.

I wish I could access more to get my current shit together.

I honestly would see if there's somehing else you can access or you wil lfeel the blame for not sorting yoruself out.

I've done a year of psychodynamic psychotherapy on NHS and just started a second. It sound very familiar and I used to feel similar about my therapist. I thought we never had a relationship, she was infuriate me, upset me sometimes, mostly sit and I would talk. I couldn't see how on earth this was helping.

Then I had a break for review. And only now realise how much progress I made. It definitely will get worse before better. It is hard, it will make you feel worse for a while, especially while things are being brought up and sorted.

But it works. My difficult relationship with her made me realise do much about my repeating relationship patterns. For example how I always assumed she was judging me, I was anxious that I was getting therapy wrong - that was transference of other relationships.

It's interesting OP that you think she is going to call off the therapy.

Unless you start being violent or completely inappropriate (which you aren't going to!) then calling it off is the one thing she won't do - no matter how difficult things are in the room. If you can stick with it You might get to experience being able to tolerate a very difficult relationship where the person does not go off and abandon you.

She sounds to me like she is a good therapist. Simple attunement and validation on its own isn't going to change a thing for you. I suspect she is also trying to be supportive but you can't hear it.

I realise this is hard to hear but like a pp am writing as someone who has been through this and now looks back on the early days with my therapist - I was in the room with a complete estranged distant totally disconnected monster. But that was more about my own internal world than reality.

I think the problem with looking for a "good fit" with a therapist when you have a history of difficult relationships is that no one can be a good fit. You will feel unheard and unsupported whenever you see.

Unless you simply have supportive counselling where there are no challenges and it is all validation - which will make you feel better at the time but won't change anything.

There is a place for supportive therapy - when someone is in crisis or bereaved they are in no place to do challenging work.

But psychotherapy is about real change and for you that means the painful business of having to bear the distress of difficult relationships where you don't feel good.

I wish you the best OP and everything I have said is kindly meant. I know how hard it is!

But if you put theorising aside and look at the detail of what OP has said, can you imagine a client trying to express that she isn't happy about something in therapy and saying you sound like you are looking for a fight? It's not only an incredibly defensive reaction, with no trying to understand what has gone on and whether she has contributed (the therapist) - and that wording absolutely shuts down further communication surely? There are many better ways to try and raise the same question.

I'm on my way out so can't post much. I've done therapy before which has been challenging. As a result I have much better boundaries and because of those boundaries, I'm challenging this therapist. The previous therapy was also unempathetic etc it stopped after six months though, but it was helpful. I didn't feel dehumanised, retraumatised, depressed whilst doing it and it was at that time that I was undergoing tests for my current diagnosis. Likewise I didn't feel like we were mates, the therapy was cold with little sympathy.

The difference was, the therapist reflected what I was saying back to me to make me think about it. Some of the stuff she said I thought strange at the time but later understood. She didn't just throw out the first offensive thing that came into her head them tell me I was looking for an argument in order to shut me down.

This therapist makes me want to rip my skin off my face, that's the difference. It reminds me of my abusive background. Me fighting back is, in a sense, me standing my ground against my abusers.

I don't think I've been given a tough time on this thread at all, it's helped me to see what the therapist is trying to achieve and I'm hanging in there. I have contacted my GP for a chat about it. I'm grateful for all the advice I've been given.

I wouldn't continue with her. I have very little time for the "it's supposed to be hard, suffer through it" approach. It's supposed to be work, but if your therapist is someone you feel unsafe with, unheard by, lectured by, hurt by and traumatised by, the work done is on surviving them. Just like different drugs work for different people, illnesses and conditions, not all therapists are right for each person or each situation.

I dont get the "it has to be like this to be challenging."

If the actual sitting there with her makes you feel awful that just wouldn't work for me. Mine wasn't like that and I was challenged, made huge changes to my life and have changed a lot. So much. It doesnt have to be that type of nasty therapy to work. It really doesn't.

I think what I'm finding most difficult is that she's turning me from victim to perpetrator. I feel like a Nazi when I'm with her. As though people had no choice but to bully and abuse me because of how bad I am. So, I'm reliving my childhood and finding it retraumatising.

That really sounds awful :( . I had the opposite with the trauma therapist who made me see how I was a child and things really weren't my fault. It was honestly lifechanging to be able to share all the stories of what hapoened in a safe space. Yours just doesn't sound safe. Or helpful.

I'm sorry I haven't read the full thread but have read a lot of it.

I'm a therapist too, most of the evidence suggests positive change happens because of the therapeutic relationship. You don't seem to feel safe with your therapist and you shouldn't have to put up with that.

Are you in a secondary care service (CMHT? NhS psychiatrist?) if your therapist comes from a secondary care psychology service you should be able to request a change in therapist. Most have a policy on it (it's not a given and you may have to go back on the waiting list but it should be considered)

I'm sorry this is so painful. Yes therapy is hard but because you're challenging long standing beliefs and processing painful memories, not because your therapist is making you feel that way.

It is meant to be a space for you to discover what you're feeling, she's like a blank canvas drawing your attention to your feelings as you talk about them. I think you have different ideas of what this is meant to be.

Those of you suggested the op change therapist, do you have experience with psychodynamic psychotherapy? Or just counselling? Because it is a very specific type of therapy that focuses on relationships and how you relate to others.

You do sound utterly furious with her. I think she's spot on if she's observing that.

She's hardly a genius if she's observed I'm angry with her as I said, "I'm getting really pissed off with the way you're talking to me." I've told her.

Im not a therapist but agree with trunumber.

Theres obviously different models in therapy. This one is making you feel as it would me. Its okay to say it isnt working.

But the transference means you're actually angry with another relationship or pattern of relationship. The way other people talk to you or don't talk to you. Tey way other people don't acknowledge things you think they should acknowledge

Possibly, you may be right. Or the therapist may not actually be that good (I hate the people always assume it's the client, not the therapist) or it could just not be the right match. Different therapy approaches work for different people - there is nothing wrong with that.

One of the hardest things in therapy for me when I started was feeling judged by my therapist. She also said a lot that I was telling stories without feelings. Ultimately my therapy has been all about me learning how to feel my feelings and not let them control me. I don't really understand how it worked but I am changed now fundamentally as a person.

But I hated her at first. I thought she was judging me and saying things that showed she didn't understand me as well. I thought any day she would say she didn't want to see me anymore and learning to trust that she would be there week after week regardless of what I said was I think a huge part of me learning to trust people again.

I don't think I really felt ok with her for about three years and then I realised I was projecting massively onto her. When I thought she was judging me I was judging myself. When she asked me if I was angry I was in fact angry but was too afraid to feel it. It all felt like a an abyss of pain and I could tell my stories in a detached manner but could never bear to feel the pain I actually kept balled up inside me that was poisoning my life.

So based on my experience I would say keep going and keep telling her you aren't happy and talk about it. Developing the habit of saying you don't like what she is doing and having her accept it and still be there the next week could be a big step forwards.

I can't say if she is in fact no good. I will say that years before I started with my current therapist I had one who said next to nothing and I too found myself unable to speak. I don't know what would have happened if I had carried on with that therapist but I wasn't ready at that time to try.

If you really don't have any other options then keep going I think and keep forcing your negative feelings into the room. See where it takes you.

It is hard when the time is up and you have to leave with all the heightened emotions and stress. That was again a learning curve for me. She will never let us leave with a "positive wrap up". It is hard and I am sad - I can leave the room with those feelings and I can survive them. Learning to feel your feelings is shit. And there are no short cuts.

I really don't think any of us can judge this, but this paragraph you wrote really stuck out for me. 'This therapist makes me want to rip my skin off my face, that's the difference. It reminds me of my abusive background. Me fighting back is, in a sense, me standing my ground against my abusers.' I think this therapy might be game changing for you. You are right in the thick of it and hanging in there.

Most people dont have 3 years to waste before they feel theyre getting somewhere. Really.

Even with my incredibly generous sccess to charity provision it was a year!

There's no shame in admitting something isnt working. It can be the brave step sometimes.

But the transference means you're actually angry with another relationship or pattern of relationship.

Maybe. Or maybe she is angry with the therapist.

I couldnt be playing games like that!