Problems with therapist

[therapistquestion]

I'm having psychodynamic therapy and an having problems with my therapist.

I'm not sure what to do, she keeps coming out with things that I find upsetting. I bring them up with her and the she says something else. We started off on the wrong foot because her style of therapy is to say hello and then remain silent for the whole session while I talk.

I told her that although I appreciate that's her process, I need at least some feedback to show I'm being heard. She seems to have taken that on board but the feedback she's giving doesn't make me feel heard at all, just misunderstood.

One of our biggest problems is incongruence. I've suffered a lot of trauma both as a child and an adult and find it difficult to be vulnerable with someone I barely know and to show them that vulnerability. She keeps telling me that it sound as though I'm telling her stories. I'm not sure how to interpret that. The week before she told me that it was like I had an agenda because I wanted to talk about issues raised in the last session.

I find talking about these incidents upsetting and traumatic and feel as though that trauma is not being empathised with but misinterpreted. I am bringing these problems back into every therapy session but then something happens again that I'm finding upsetting. I feel judged. Like I should be acting in a certain way and because I'm not on the floor sobbing, I'm strange.

Having had several courses of therapy I now start my first session by saying I need feedback and some discussion. Both my most recent times the therapist agreed to this. A long time ago I saw someone who refused to speak. I pointed out that i could talk into silence at home in bed and chucked it in after the first session.

Best ask for what works for you.

I’ve had years of psychoanalysis whilst training I’m psychodynamic therapy (actually practise more integratively these days ) it sounds as though the transference and perhaps the therapists counter transference (OP having experienced bullying and therapist responding unconsciously as a dominant/powerful/punitive figure in response to clients transference) is playing out.
Psychodynamic work is bloody hard but if you can work through the transference it can be life changing and affirming, I never liked my analyst but did trust him 100% in the end, he never spoke first and once I wasted 36 minutes of a session in a stand off...I broke first!
The boundaries are there for containment and safety and although may feel harsh at times, it’s to put a frame around the madness.
Hang in there OP and don’t be afraid to say how you feel, the relationship between you is where the work is

Thanks again to everyone for their help.

I was dreading my last therapy session so much that I didn't sleep the night before and was really tired and groggy for the session.

I did try to talk about incongruence but we got talking about a previous experience of bullying I had at work. It was so bad that it triggered fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue which now prevent me from working as I'm in constant pain. My therapist asked me if it started because I'm condescending.

I'm open to hearing ideas and perspectives on why something may have happened but if I was condescending, it would have been brought to my attention before the last session. My job was working with vulnerable clients (think refugees or something similar) and had I been condescending to clients or my colleagues, it would have been pretty quickly picked up and dealt with. I explained that I've been working for over thirty years and never in that time had anyone, colleagues or clients, complained of me being condescending as I try to treat everyone with the same level of respect and was nothing but polite and professional to people.

The therapy feels as though I'm locked in stocks with someone, somewhat indifferently throwing rotting fruit. I'm seen in the most negative light and often finish feeling retraumatised and very low. I did bring this up quite early on and there was no response. When I asked what I could do in between sessions as I had no support, my mental health was spiralling and I didn't see the point, she said that this type of therapy wasn't there to give suggestions.

Everything I do or say seems to be met with a negative response. I open up about horrific childhood abuse that I'm finding very hard to talk about and it's met with - You sound like you're telling me stories. It feels like a kick in the teeth when I'm very vulnerable. Talking about how I was bullied so badly at work that it led to two long term chronic conditions is met with - Maybe it's because you're condescending. Talking about being tortured by my mother is met with - What you're talking about sounds painful but I can't see that pain in your face.

I feel as though a drawbridge has come up and I've gone into self protection mode. It's very difficult for me to be vulnerable and it was brave of me to have been so open with someone I have no real relationship with and I believe I gave it a go. I feel as though I'm in a room with someone inwardly giving me side eye and wondering when I'm going to drop out as I'm scum of the earth.

I now feel disengaged from the process as though something has switched. This wasn't a conscious decision, it just happened during the last session. I'm going to keep doing the therapy to see how it plays out until the three month review but don't have any high hopes for it being particularly helpful.

Sounds like she was trying to provoke you to get ‘angry’ again so she could prove herself right about what she thought about you in the last session! I just don’t feel she ‘gets’ you.

I honestly don’t think I could put myself through what you are putting yourself through. You could make your health worse with this therapist!

I once went to take counselling through the nhs. The therapist was a man. I just felt that I couldn’t deal with that. I stopped the sessions after two as I just felt I wasn’t benefitting. I really wanted to engage and get myself better. But it was too upsetting. I gave up. Asked when I felt strong enough to try again and was re-referred to a woman the following year. Sorted me right out. Job done. It was just the wrong therapist for me. Just one of those things.

Can you not try going back to wherever you were referred by (your GP, sorry I forget) and ask for a referral to a different type of talking therapy as you just aren’t coping with this one?

Thanks for your response. I think the anger trope came from one of the first few sessions when I got really annoyed because I have coccydynia and asked for another chair as the wooden one I had was agony to sit on for me. After two sessions it still hadn't been changed and I got really annoyed as I was bruised and in a lot of pain after each session. I then went to admin, explained the situation and they immediately sorted out a cushioned chair for me. After that it seemed as though I was a ball of fury when I talked about anything when I wasn't feeling angry at all. The anger I had felt was very specific and due to me wriggling around in agony for 50 minutes and trying to talk about previous trauma.

I'm very torn about leaving the therapy in case this is part of the process as people keep saying how difficult it is meant to be. This could all be as people say, me finding myself in a very familiar pattern.

I think you feel very persecuted by your therapist, like she is cruel, doesn't think about you, and can't really understand you. Like she has got some manipulative plan up her sleeve and she is up to something that you can't fathom.

I think the difficulty of your asking advice here is that you are reporting your own experience of what happened in the room. Then of course everyone says "oh gosh that is awful! She is an awful therapist! Get rid!"

I have no doubt you are reporting it truthfully and that this truly is what you experience. But I know from my own analysis and my own training that you are seeing this relationship through your own template, which is kind of magnified because the therapist doesn't put themselves into the room or do anything to challenge the template you create.

I felt persecuted by my therapist for a good 18 months - she was out to give me a hard time and make me suffer and she was so cruel for not making sympathetic noises and being cosy with me. I was in the room with a Witch for a long time.

Slowly slowly and very painfully I realised that this might just be something to do with me ....

It is really hard though because your reality is, well, your reality.

Do stick with it and do tell her how you feel about her. She will be expecting it, therapists are trained to be experienced as very Bad indeed at first!

I see this as well @Bumpsadaisie and I'm not posting here because I want everyone to tell me to leave. I'm trying to gain some perspective because I have no one to bounce this off.

This is how it comes across to me but again, like I said above, I could be a. looking for excuses or resisting change or b. found myself in a familiar pattern.

However, there is something I really need to look out for. Because I come from such a dysfunctional background I often doubt myself and don't act when I should. I stayed in the bullying situation at work because I doubted my experience and thought it probably was all my fault. So I need to be careful that I don't end up doing that in this case - it's why I've decided on giving it until the three month review before making any decision.

The advice I was given before has really helped me to see how this pattern is playing out here which is why I'm giving it a chance, even though I'm finding it so difficult. Unfortunately, I couldn't control the self preservation aspect which just kicked in. Maybe I was too open too soon and need to just shut that all down until I feel safer.

For example there are lots of ways to "hear" the phrase "you sound like you are telling me stories".

You can hear it in a sympathetic way - something like "it sounds like this is so painful that you can only talk about it in a kind of detached way, as if it happened to someone else or as if it were a story".

Or you can hear it as a simple statement of how the therapist experiences you telling her this - something like "when you tell me this, you talk about it in a detached way, and this is of interest to us in our work here".

Or you can hear it as "You liar! You sound like you are making this up!"

Or as "You drama queen! You sound like you are making a massive fuss about nothing and exaggerating".

"I can't see that pain in your face" - again you can take this as a criticism or put down or as a disbelief - but you could also take it as the therapist trying to help you learn how to use the therapy, something about how you need to get in touch with the painful feelings associated with what your mother did, rather than reporting the facts of it to her.

Im sorry for all the things you have been through and I hope this helps.

That's good.

You do have someone to bounce things off - the therapist. She can think about your relationship with her without it becoming personal.

It is very odd I know to seek help with a relationship from the person you are in the relationship with! But she is almost two people - the person you create and have a relationship with in the room, and then her thinking self who can analyse what is going on between you and be interested in it.

You should take all this to her.

Good luck love.

I also think that telling a survivor of childhood abuse that it sounds like they are telling stories, is a bit tone deaf. Survivors are used to people doubting what they're saying. Another favourite is: Why didn't social workers get involved?

Hi op, I’m sorry you have been through so much trauma and I’m sorry you are finding the therapy a difficult process to go through.
I only have my own experience of therapy to go on (which was based on the bereavement of my DD).So I can’t advise you as well as the pps with professional experience.

My therapist did let me do the lion’s share of speaking. I found it very uncomfortable at first, as if I had to fill the silences, and in truth I felt like I was narrating my loss, story telling if you like. I don’t know if it was because I had spoken about it so many times with family, friends, SANDs that I began to follow the same script. If I am honest it did help me to stay detached and emotionally together.
It was only when I finally “broke” and allowed myself to go to the depths of my loss that I actually felt like I gained something from the sessions. I felt shattered afterwards though and my head pounded with the emotion of it all, but it did help.
Have you voiced your difficulty in letting your guard down? Maybe if she/he is made fully aware they might try a new approach. I am guessing but perhaps you are more skilled at covering your true emotions than even you realise.
The therapy room is a safe space, you cannot be harmed. I hope you find your peace

@IHateCoronavirus I'm sorry to hear of your loss and am glad to hear therapy helped you.

I think that is what she's getting at as well. I have told my story so many times and myself and my siblings used to tell anecdotes to each other all the time. It smooths over the edges I suppose. I'm definitely not showing how I feel and I have explained why to her. I am completely aware that I may be saying something really sad and painful but am not sobbing or clutching myself or looking pained. However, I am feeling it. I am being open. I am feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed.

I agree with other posters that we are only hearing your side of the story so can’t judge for you.

I also know there are good therapists and not so good therapists out there.

You can only go with your gut - I genuinely don’t know which of the above this person is, and assume they are suitably qualified/supervised given you were referred on the NHS?

Sorry you are finding it tough, I hope you find the right resolution for you

therapistquestion I hear you op. Being open and allowing yourself to feel is such a brave thing to do, especially with what you have told us about your past.

I think it is really early days and I would bring all of it back to the room. Share as much of yourself as you can bare.

I hear how uncomfortable this is for you, and I think you're on the right path. Stick with it. Your therapist is professionally trained and she is sitting with you to allow space for some deep wounding to be aired. Keep trying to take as much back as you can. It hurts to address this stuff and it is also lonely between sessions but it is the nature of the beast unfortunately. You can do this.

Are you in London OP?

This all reached boiling point today and I'm on the verge of telling her to fuck off.

I had a bit of a go at her about some of the things she's been saying to me. I suppose I've held onto a lot of resentment from the time she told me I was condescending. She gave me a talk the next session which came across to me as very teacher/pupil or finger wagging. I'm expecting the same next week.

I told her that I was feeling judged etc etc the same stuff I've been saying here. I brought it into the room as I've been advised. And all she said was it sounds like you're looking for an argument.

I'm getting so pissed off so if that's what she's aiming for, job done.

This is the work OP. Therapy is hard and painful.
Don't tell her to fuck off. Stick with it - and try to think about why you feel so offended at her observations.

You won't be able to say "yes, I want an argument". All you know about consciously is that you want things to be perfect with her.

But can you at least make a space in your mind to just think of a possibility that there might be something in what she is saying?

That, if not all of you, then at least a part of you (and one that you don't know much about) might want a fight with her, because you feel very angry with her for not being perfectly available and congruent to you?

If you can make these little spaces before getting very cross and offended and feeling rejected, it will help.

She says things that are difficult to hear but she isn't attacking you. She is trying to help.

@therapistquestion I feel quite concerned at assumption the therapist is doing her job well and that your feelings are about what you need to work through. Of course change is difficult and the work will be challenging but it doesn't feel like the therapist has built a relationship with you first. From the little I have read, the relationship often drives change more than the actual interventions/type of therapy. I'm certainly not an expert but I think that you first need to feel heard, accepted, safe etc before the "challenges". I feel sad that you are trying to speak up and being met with a reaction of "looking for a fight". That sounds like it would shut you down. As a woman it probably take a great deal for you to show yourself to express anger. I would really cut my losses and try with someone else.

Similar to pp, I think that probably either the therapist isn't right or the therapy isn't right. And you need to analyse which one that might be before you quit, so you understand what to look for next.

It may be the wrong time for you for this type of therapy and you aren't ready for it, or it may be that the therapist isn't right. I have to say that the biggest breakthroughs in my therapy did come from things that I initially rejected and they made me feel very angry, and not understood. However, in some cases the observation was valid and in others they helped me to understand things about my own behaviour/attitudes I hadn't before. It sometimes took a few days or weeks for this to filter through, and I had to 'get over myself' and shed some self-pity, to be quite frank.

I didn't have your type of therapy though (or not that I was aware) so even though my therapist was largely 'cold' she was rarely confrontational. And 'cold' is my preferred style as I don't deal with sympathy well, so she could have been like that because it's what worked best for me!

It's a therapy cliche that the only person you can change is yourself, and that's true. I've had therapy at three points in my life (three different therapists) and even though they were all for the same issues I needed a different style at every point. Maybe it's similar for you, and at this stage you would suit something gentler (although probably less transformative).

Good luck. Really sorry you're struggling, and hope you find the right tools to feel better soon.

It's a tricky one and ultimately it's your decision about whether to stay or go. But I also wonder if you might be curious at all about why you are so pissed off at this one woman who isn't responding to you in the same way that all the other people you have mentioned in your work and your life have? There may well be a reason you are currently sitting with this particular therapist in this particular space and perhaps it is drawing out an uncomfortable blind spot. We all have them. Or maybe you need a different therapist. Who knows...I do know that therapy is bloody uncomfortable at times, and this is true for all of us.

Thank you everyone. I don't have any choice about the therapist as this is NHS therapy so I just get what I'm given as there is a long waiting list.

Our relationship is bloody awful. There hasn't been enough time to build one really. Therapy started in Feb this year but there was a long break during the lockdown, then it started again recently, then my therapist was off for two weeks.

I did say to her that I thought therapeutic attunement was part of the process and that I didn't feel understood and there had been no real effort to understand me or where I'm coming from. I also said that I felt very judged by her and criticised.

There was already resentment simmering away because of previous comments (which I did bring up at the time). She then asked me if I enjoyed humiliating others and if it made me feel powerful and I just lost it with her. It's basically a stranger being offensive from my perspective.

I understand that I'm not giving the full conversation here but that's what I heard. She then said that I don't agree with anything she says. I said that I have agreed with some things she's said and have told her so, I just don't agree that I'm condescending and revel in the humiliation of others. I then said that I thought attunement was part of the process and she didn't seem to get me at all. That I was really pissed off with the way she was talking to me. She then said that it sounded like I was just looking for an argument.

Of course that shut me down. Where could I go from there? I'm expecting her to either refuse to see me anymore (there was no name calling or shouting) or I'm eventually going to just drop out. I was thinking about contacting my GP and asking for advice.

I think you've had a really tough time on this thread OP. I follow a lot of therapists on Instagram (hear me out!) and two of them have recently made posts about how they didn't connect with their first therapists. Infact one of them saw 5! Now they don't believe they "needed to bring it into the room". They accept not every therapist or therapy was right for them. I believe you know yourself best and can read into your experience what you need to. Contacting your GP sounds like a great start. Good luck x