Please help - don't know where to turn.

[rainbowweather]

I feel like a fraud posting this as I seem ok to people who know me. Everthing seems to be going well from the outside. However the truth is I'm very desperate.

I've been feeling mentally unwell for a very long time and don't know what to do. It's been going on for well over 20 years. I've got to the stage where I'm feeling very despondent because I've tried so many things to help myself feel better but nothing seems to change how I really feel deep down.

I've sought help from various counsellors and therapists over the years but none of them seem to know how to help me. It's a case of jumping through hoops to get the counselling, then ending up feeling even more isolated.

Can I talk about it here? If nothing else but to get encouragement to keep trying. I'm just so desperate and don't have anyone I can talk to.

You can always talk about it here OP

Hi OP. I found talking therapies didn't work. I went for a diagnosis from a psychiatrist, got the right meds and haven't looked back. Have you spoken to your GP about medication or a diagnosis, or is this not relevant in your situation?

Thanks for your replies, I really appreciate it. I've previously been diagnosed with depression and prescribed anti depressants, Diversedivers, but unfortunately the ADs didn't help me. I've been reluctant to go back and ask for different meds because I don't think they're the solution for me.

If I speak to the GP or any mental health professional (for example the telephone assessment service for NHS counselling) I have literally no idea what to say to them when they ask me what the problem is, other than "I feel depressed". I always feel like they don't think there's a problem because I can't quantify it. It doesn't seem to impact on my life (to an outsider) because I can eat, sleep, work, socialise, etc. My house is clean and my bills are paid.

I think what's going on with me is a form of trapped grief and there's a grieving process I need to go through that has got stuck. The problem is knowing this intellectually doesn't help me. Sorry if this sounds a bit garbled.

Hello rainbowweather

Can you say why you think you have trapped grief? I think such a state definitely exists and can cause anxiety and depression.

I should say that I did have one really good counsellor who helped me a lot, but that was 20 years ago in a different city (when I was a student).

This is me too. But, l recently paid to see a psychiatrist. It was money well spent. He sorted the meds and said l needed pyscotherapy, and CBT wouldn’t touch it.

Currently arguing with NHS about it, as they are trying to put me on a 4th round of CBT, despite the fact it’s failed 3 times.

Thanks for replying to me Nottobe.

I'm just going to make a cup of tea and come back shortly.

And the really really old antidepressants work the best in treatment resistant depression. The MAOI’s or possibly amitryptiline which they hold standard

The gold standard!

Thanks TheEmoji,

May I ask how you went about finding a private psychiatrist? I wouldn't know where to start with that.

I've heard great things about psychotherapy for lost standing grief problems as well. A close friend saw someone for help with a parent's suicide 20 years before and is so much happier now.

In what way do you feel depressed? How goes it manifest itself? What loss have you experienced? It is entirely possible you are indeed stuck somewhere in grief and I have every faith that you have the answers inside you for the way out. Maybe chatting here would help you process some of this loss?

Hi @Nottobe,

I think at least some of it stems from the chaos that was going on in my family when I was growing up. I feel like I had a lot dumped onto me that was not my fault and just expected to cope. I suspect I was expected to think/act like a grown up when I was very little.

That's a short answer but I also think there's more to it than that. There are many contributing factors but it all revolves around not grieving losses and having to keep a lid on how I felt.

In the past I would have said I felt sad/low/depressed and that I didn't fully know why, but that's not the frame I put around it anymore.

@morefun I'm glad your friend is feeling better now. I did actually see a psychotherapist through the NHS about 10 years ago (I had to push to be out on the waiting list for long term psychotherapy) but unfortunately it was not a good experience for me. I ended up feeling pushed around and walked over by the therapist I saw - I look back now and see that she was a bit of a power tripper. I now wish I'd made a complaint to the service or at least asked to see someone different, instead of discharging myself.

I know there are good therapists out there though. The area I'm in now, my GP says I'd have to pay for private therapy if I wanted that sort of therapy again.

Thanks for having faith in me @Isadora2007. I feel that way too - that I already 'know' what the answers are, I just need to give the problem the respect it deserves instead of constantly beating myself against the waves. It would very much help to post here and talk about it. I'm going to think about your questions and come back tomorrow, if that's ok.

I looked up the local private hospital and found him on there. Then l looked up everything on the internet l could find about him, including reviews.

Then l booked him. Whereabouts are you?

Looking forward to your Replies @rainbowweather
You’ve got this.

Just a little question about the psychotherapy- and I’m not suggesting for a moment you’re wrong to have felt she wasn’t a good fit. But did any of the feelings of being walked over or pushed around make you feel like you had as a child?
Have you ever done any inner child work? And take this at your own pace...

I'm not sure how to answer the question about the therapy experience, @Isadora2007. I have had a lot experiences of being pushed around, unfortunately. I don't feel like it caused anything in particular from my childhood to resurface, though.

I don't know a great deal about inner child work.

The best way to describe it is I have two states I'm in - either extremely empty or extremely upset. The 'upset' part involves feeling like I'm going to cry but there's more to it than that.

It can be like I'm collapsing inside or like I want to fall down onto the floor.

I can also feel both at the same time. It's taken me ages to write this post. It's really frustrating trying to put it into words!

I was just wondering if the therapist was allowing feelings from your childhood to be played out in a safe space or as part of the therapy. Some therapy can involve the therapist being as much of a blank canvas as possible to allow the client to “paint” onto them what they need to heal- so it can be that the therapist becomes like a mother to them or a villain (not however a viola like my strange autocorrect kept suggesting!). I wondered if the therapist was somehow trying to envoke some of the feelings from your childhood to work through...or maybe they were just a bit shit tbh if it made you feel worse.
Sorry- I equally don’t want to also make you feel worse in trying To answer me or others here. Would this emotions wheel be any help at all? You describe two very extreme ends of emotions and I wonder what your shades of grey might be?

@rainbowweather just tagging you to show you I’ve replied 🌈💕

I don't think that's what the therapist was doing, @Isadora2007 - but it she was, it would have been the last thing I needed anyway. I don't think that technique would help me at all (if I've understood it correctly).

I'd have thought that if using that model the therapist would (at the very least) have a responsibility to explain the process to you and make sure that you understand and consent to it. One of the things that bothered me about this therapist was she refused to answer any of my questions about the therapy. She seemed to like keeping me in the dark!

The wheel of feelings is interesting.

I think I experience apathy, indifference, boredom, etc. I feel flat and unmotivated a lot of the time. I can feel things from the 'happy' segment but it's always, always accompanied by an inner emptiness. I just 'know' that how I really feel deep down is not ok.

They are surface level feelings. At best I'm never fully present, there's a big chunk of me missing.

I've been thinking back to when I was younger and out and about partying with my friends, etc. Even having good times I knew something was very off - a feeling of chronic disconnection. In those days I used to get really frustrated and disappointed in myself because of it. I thought I should be able to shake it off or jolly myself out of it. I feel sad now to think about that time - to think I was experiencing something painful and thought I'd failed.

At this stage in my life I want to pay attention to whatever it is because I've pushed it away far too often.

Sorry for taking so long to reply to your posts. I really appreciate you talking to me because I don't have anyone in real life I can talk to.

@rainbowweather you are quite right that your previous “therapist” should have been fully honest about her techniques and involved you in the process and given you the choice to partake or not. And the fact she wouldn’t even answer you speaks volumes about how unprofessional she was! I’m so sorry you got someone like that.

I’m really glad you’re working on paying attention to and sitting with your difficult feelings or indeed your non feelings. If they were aiding a disconnect then I wonder what you were wanting to escape from so to speak? What messages did you grow up Getting about your feelings and whether certain ones were okay or not okay etc? You sound like you’re very able to self reflect which is a huge bonus for you as many people find even that step very hard. So you’re onto a good start. Do you journal? You have an interesting writing style. Hope your Friday has been nice.

I think you should see your GP as you have been feeling unwell for so long, and ask for a referral to a consultant psychiatrist. There are many diffident types of ant-depressants and they work differently on individuals. I have a diagnosis of recurring depression disorder and sometimes it's very bad. I know people are suggesting psychotherapy and it might help. Sometimes a combination of both are best, but if you go down that route, be certain this is someone in whom you feel comfortable and can confide.

Thanks for your advice @Catrin70, and sorry to hear about your depression. I will ask my GP about that. I've also decided to save up some money in case I need to go private.

I was taught to very much keep a lid on my feelings when I was growing up, @Isadora2007. I was taught that so called 'negative' feelings - sorrow, anxiety, anger, etc - were unacceptable and had to be changed into something nicer (this holds true in my family even now). I think I was also taught that crying was this big catastrophe that meant you'd failed to cope - and crying (or even just looking sad) in front of other people was selfish because it's not nice for other people to see you sad!

It's a kind of stiff upper lip/think of other people mentality.

'Aiding a disconnect' is a really good way to put it. I feel as if I can't access my own feelings anymore. In a way I don't think I have a mental illness.

I enjoy writing and I keep journals.

I wonder if journaling too help you reconnect with your feelings and emotions and having a read over things that could help like ACT Maybe...