Please help - don't know where to turn.

[rainbowweather]

I feel like a fraud posting this as I seem ok to people who know me. Everthing seems to be going well from the outside. However the truth is I'm very desperate.

I've been feeling mentally unwell for a very long time and don't know what to do. It's been going on for well over 20 years. I've got to the stage where I'm feeling very despondent because I've tried so many things to help myself feel better but nothing seems to change how I really feel deep down.

I've sought help from various counsellors and therapists over the years but none of them seem to know how to help me. It's a case of jumping through hoops to get the counselling, then ending up feeling even more isolated.

Can I talk about it here? If nothing else but to get encouragement to keep trying. I'm just so desperate and don't have anyone I can talk to.

I really relate to this, when you say about not knowing what to say.

Its easier when I can identify whats going wrong for me to seek therapy e.g. difficult external circumstances. But in those kind of therapy sessions I never end up going deep enough. And its only ever 6-8 sessions on the NHS. Until recently I met this therapist on the NHS who actually seemed to take an interest in me and had no interest in trying to get me to achieve positive mental outcomes. He doesn't judge or try to fix or rescue. He spotted connections I knew but had forgotten (that its not surprising the current issues I am describing given my childhood trauma). We are coming to a close soon but he asked if I considered long term psychotherapy. I know for sure it would help. I always get to the point of laying it all out and seeing the connections but then wondering where do I go from here. It's like trying to grow something new.

I am struggling with the concept of paying for it but I know waiting lists will be long, I'm just paying off some debts first.

Sorry for the delay in replying, I haven't logged on for a couple of days.

Thanks for the suggestion, @Isadora2007 - I'm reading up on ACT now.

Sorry to hear you've had similar problems @Msbouffet. I'd be interested to hear about your progress as you sound like you're in the same boat as me (including the need to pay off debt first!)

I totally get you about not going in depth enough in the counselling sessions. It's good that you've found a therapist you click with on the NHS, though. I've learnt that it really is chance/pot luck.

The only counsellor who's ever helped me was the only one who took her work personally and was personally interested and invested in me. Most counsellors come across to me like they're just doing a job and clock watching. I also feel a lot of pressure from counsellors to be 'ok'.

I think I know what you mean about achieving positive mental outcomes - it's like they're leading you down a path and have already decided where it's going. It can feel like a lot of pressure!

I've also found that a problem with therapy that's all about making connections/developing insights is that if the therapist doesn't actually empathise with you or help you to express and process the feelings that could come up, it can turn into just another intellectual exercise. I've had experiences where the therapist offers insights into why I feel the way I do, I agree with the insights, then I walk off and think 'ok, but so what?'

You can end up having a good intellectual understanding and being very well educated on your own emotional problems, but not actually feeling any better, because the problem isn't rational, it's emotional.

Is that kind of what you mean when you say you see the connections but don't know where to go from there?