Feel suicidal after leaving narcissist husband

[Survivingeachday]

I have left my narcissist husband after 15 years together and two children. It took me 10 years to get the courage to do this along with recent therapy. I felt awful living with him. But now I feel suicidal without him I’m struggling to get through each day. We are still in contact because of the kids and everything seems amicable. His mum said she knows he is desperate to come back home. I miss him so much. I’m starting to wonder if he was even that bad. And I just miss him and having another adult in the house. But he used to be so controlling over me, no empathy, everything about him, he had cheated before, gambled etc. But he also had good points like he could back me up with dc now they are not listening to me. I miss his hugs. I feel terrible, I had dreamt of this day of leaving and instead of feeling relief I feel suicidal and I’m four weeks out of the relationship . I’m not sure I’m strong enough to break the trauma bond. I messaged him tonight and said to come round for Sunday lunch tomorrow because it would be nice for the kids. I’m such an idiot

I’m cross with myself for not making a clean break. But it felt all I could manage. Because it feels he is all that I have

Despite his faults i know he would never leave me if I did have him back and that gives me a sense of security. Now I feel I have nothing

I keep waking up at night panicking that I left him

How did your day go Survivingeachday

I’ve been using the crisis line for someone to talk too but I don’t feel any better

I am glad that you have spoken to someone in RL. Did he take the DCs out? Was that OK?

You won’t feel any better for a while - you might feel a lot worse in the short term. Take it hour by hour. Maybe look at these feelings as physical sensations that will pass through your body in time, they will ebb and flow and peak and trough, like waves. Over time if you sit through and observe the physical and not overthink the panic will subside - because you are out of danger now - you have escaped but your body physically doesn’t know that yet and is still secreting stress hormones at an alarming rate so that is why your heart rate is thumping, your breathing is shallow, your mind is racing and your gut is knotted. This is complexPTSD and irrational fear is gripping you - you need professional support to physically ground yourself and ride these sensations.

The irrational fear is your body and mind in terror but the concrete reality in the outside world is that you will survive with support and live the life you strove to escape to.

Have you someone to speak to today?

Oh OP I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.

I grew up with narcissistic parents and know how much the abuse affects people.

Please don't act on any thoughts, you will be so missed and I know you are loved and wanted.

You have been through so much, trauma bonding and co dependency are very real and scary things.

This will take time. It will be difficult. But don't give up.

Is there any way you can go really low contact or no contact and have other family members or friends help out si you don't have to see him or speak to him? Distance is the best thing for your recovery.

He will try to get close to you, he will miss the supply. Avoid the flying monkeys and rally a solid support network around you.

I wish you all the best. Keep posting for support. We are all here for you.

I’m cross with myself for not making a clean break. But it felt all I could manage. Because it feels he is all that I have

I don't know if your situation was the same, but my experience with a controlling partner is that after 10 years together he was literally all I had. He didn't want me to work so I lost that. He didn't like my friends so I lost touch with them because it was easier. A combination of his behaviour and my dwindling self esteem and I began to feel completely alone, I didn't talk to anyone except him and occasionally I spoke to my mum but didn't confide in her. It took time and space for me to understand that it was a result of the relationship. He wanted me to be reliant on him and I was. I'd always been so independent before but I had got so used to much of my life being dictated to, the thought of being fully in control was kind of frightening. I still feel a bit nervous and jumpy if I go to the shop or something without asking permission. Things that helped me:

Speaking to a counsellor.
Reading Lundy Bancroft Why does he do that? Available online as a free pdf.
The Freedom Programme.
Talking on Mumnset.

It takes time and space to work through all of this, and you also need time and space to mourn the end of your relationship because whatever it was like, it was your life and this is a big change. Sorry if none of this relates to you but sharing just in case, and I hope you're ok.

Hi Survivingeachday, as several people have mentioned The Freedom Programme, we thought we'd add a link for you here. We know that it's helped so many Mumsnetters over the years so please do take a look.

How are you today surviving - do you have any support?

Thank you for all the replies I have just re-read them tonight now I am feeling a bit calmer, I was in a state of panic when I first posted

I am doing private therapy sessions and she said I need to go no contact. I tried today I sent DC to my parents house and said he could pick them up from there but he convinced me to let him drop them off after at the house and do their bath and bedtime routine and I gave in I’m so weak

antibles something in your post struck me, I also keep thinking maybe I blew everything out of proportion! The therapist said I am not though. I’ve even started thinking we should do joint therapy so they can hear his side of the story.

It’s like I want someone to tell me I’m in the wrong??

You need to not talk to him, not respond to his texts or requests.

Handovers are via your parents house from now to the foreseeable future. It is so important that you block his access to you.

You don't discuss or negotiate.

"The DC are available for you to pick up from Mums, you need to drop them there at Xpm at the end of your time"

He CHEATED on you - he brought another woman into your life and put that devastation around your neck.

That alone, is divorce time.

It’s good that you know that you were in deep panic when you posted and it subsided a bit. It will come again but it is “only” a physical / emotional sensation that you need to ride out for a few hours - pull your thoughts away and don’t do anything or make any decisions based on him at that time. All the grounding self care stuff comes in to play.

Again another huge step to get him to pick the DCs up from your parents. Well done. Be proud. Of course he manipulated back in for bed time - but next time you will be able to hold down that boundary v firm. Little steps. It’s a process and you are making great progress. The feelings / pain will catch up with this progress and subside gradually in time. Have faith - small increments. Take strength from what you have achieved to date. He has been playing nice so far so be prepared and protected for a flip - once he notices that he is not winning.

The waves of self doubt around your decisions are after years of his influence in your head - you are not wrong. He is still doing this with every single interaction - even without words with his body language and mood. That’s why zero physical contact is critical because he keeps ripping open that wound. Also best if you have a single email account for arrangements that you read (and he is informed is read and filtered before hand in case of abuse by a friend) once / twice a week on x,y day and you respond a day later.