Your snooping and angry words didn’t drive a wedge or ruin the relationship. His cheating and lying did. You reacted to it in a perfectly normal way. Don’t let him fuck with your head that he’s doing you a favour or that this is somehow your fault. He cheated and lied to your face repeatedly. He is a cunt. The gaslighting motherfucker used you and continues to keep you on the hook with his phoney kindness making it your fault and like he’s doing you a favour he left you because he couldn’t keep his dick dry? He is scum. Do not go back to him.
As for the rest of it, that’s a hell of a lot to go through. I’ve had a shitty few years too, and you know what? We are warriors. Think back to the worst day of your life. Think of all the days so hard you thought you couldn’t make it. You know what your survival rate for those awful days is? 100%. One hundred percent. You have a perfect score. Those days that were so hard, those days that sat so heavy on you they thought they might crush you, you looked those days in the eye and you did it, you have a 100% survival rate of all of the hardest days you’ve ever had. You are strong as fuck. You can keep on surviving, one day at a time.
Get support from anywhere but a man right now. Women’s aid, the children’s centre, health visitors, go to the doctor and insist on further help, demand to be referred to talking therapy as well, and demand they start to make the changes to your medication now. If you feel you may hurt yourself tell them that, don’t hold back how bad you feel. Call helplines. Use support forums or go to local support meetings. Speak to neighbours, and any friends and family you have - really reach out and tell them you are struggling (they won’t know if you don’t lay it out for them, you have to say it straight). Make new friends- ask strangers online on local Facebook pages to meet for coffee or a walk. Go to groups at you library, or join a class you are interested in like a walking group or a photography group. Ask outright for any help you can get, and get out there and build yourself a support network. There is no shame in asking for help, it’s hard but think of it as fighting for your kids rather than yourself and it makes it easier to do. Having a happier mum will help them, so get in mama bear mode and put yourself out there. People are more willing to step up than you might think, you may loose a few as they show their true colours but a lot will surprise you in a good way. Contact as many places and people as you can and chase them up. You don’t have to live like this forever but you have to fight your way out and it isn’t easy.
The hole you feel, the lack of love, that can’t come from someone else. You have to love you. It takes practice but you need to go and look yourself in the eye and tell yourself that you are beautiful and you are strong and you are enough. Every time you feel that belief start slide you go and you say it again, and again, and again. Sometimes you have to shout it, sometimes you can’t get all the way there and just saying “no” to the negative thoughts will have to do. Argue with them if you have to but never just accept a negative thought in your mind, always always counter it. It feels silly at first to argue with yourself, but thoughts are practice and you need to practice being kind to yourself. You need to learn to love and value yourself. You need to know your own worth so that you know when you find a man who is valuing you properly, who is treating you like you deserve to be treated. You don’t deserve to be treated how you have been so far. Don’t let yourself echo the voices of these crappy men who have made you feel weak and alone. Don’t let yourself repeat their cruel words in your head. Learn to fight those thoughts. It takes practice, but you need to replace them with self love and kindness.
Finally, you are a good mum. Let that sink in until you know it in your bones. Holy shit look at what you’ve done for your kids! Look what you’ve walked through just to be here for them. The sheer weight of everything you’ve been through would crush most people, and here you are getting up and staggering on every day just because you love them so much. My god, they are lucky to have you. You’re fucking fierce. You have faced more than most people can bear and you carry on, for them. That’s an incredible love you must have for them. That’s what kids need, someone who they know will fight for them, who will wall through fire for them, and they have that in abundance - you are walking through hell for them every day and you’re still going. You are everything they need and more. You are an incredible mum. You are enough.