Had enough of being strong. Had enough of it all

[lookingatthepast]

Posted in relationships recently but to be honest I am just tired. Tired of being hurt, of having to be strong, of crying on my own, the feelings of abandonment which physically hurt. Of people hating me. I sleep as much as i can day and night when not at work. It just stops the hurting and the pain.

I try so hard to make other people happy. Yes co dependent.
My ex husband was alcoholic used coke and abusive physically
All his family have turned their back on me after we split and I divorced him
I have been a sex worker in the past to pay bills (ex husband suggested it and knew)
i am a parent but i feel so sorry for my children as I just think i am failing them and I just want to be able to die and them have a happier life without me
in reality their lives would be ruined by me dying so I feel trapped into staying alive
I dont have many friends and the couple i do have know how i feel but say its ok your strong you will be ok. the other is very critical of me and my life
I never knew or met my dad and hes now dead all i have is a grave to go to
I am lobely. I feel worthless , totally unloved and alone. I just want someone to love me. For me to matter to someone
Just split up with my partner of 20 months. Found out he was fond of coke too and he called up massage parlours and ,essaged other girls a few times. I forgave him, he says nothing happened, but he ended it saying its best for both of us.
He wanted kids of his own one day and I cant have anymore
I had a hysterectomy at 30.. i am now feeling trauma about the surgery (medical reasons didnt get much real option and never grieved for the loss ) yes i know i am lucky to have had kids. But its still a loss and trauma
ex husband stalked and harrassed me when we split. I had to go to womens aid and get a non mol as police wouldnt bring charges as CPS said no despite him admitting it so he only got a caution.

I just feel utterly broken

I’m giving you a handhold too.

Your sadness and pain are really clear.

But things will get better. There have been some great ideas already for talking to someone at the church and taking iron. Can I add mine??
Go outside every day.
And love yourself You sound like a lovely person who has had a rough time Give yourself treats. Every day. Doesn’t need to be big, just allowing yourself to sit in peace for 10 minutes with a cup of tea, a bath, some chocolate. And remind yourself that you are doing it because you deserve it and you are worthy and a bunch of mumsnetters think that too.

I echo that you didn't ruin the relationship, he did. He's a scumbag. He's blaming the break up of your relationship on your inability to have more children, which is something you find traumatic already. Therefore you start to believe it must be your fault, which is heaping trauma on top of trauma. He's made it a failing on your part - you haven't failed. You are not inadequate.

You poor woman. You've been through so much. Nobody would have survived all that and still felt on top of the world. These inadequate, awful men have dragged you down and stomped you into the dirt. It's not your fault. None of it is your fault. As above, you've made it through 100% of the worst days, and both your abusive exes are out of the picture - abusive ex number 2 has done you the most massive favour. Take the power back, if anyone mentions the break up tell them the truth - nothing to do with not having more children but you caught him cheating with escorts.

Have you ever been assessed for PTSD or given a diagnosis of depression? GPs like to stick people on anti depressants as a first resort and don't actually go any deeper than that but youve been through so much i think as someone who also has long standing and severe mental health problems, you need to go back to the GP and push for a referral to a psychiatrist. These suicidal thoughts are not you. They're your illness. They can be overcome with the right treatment. You don't have to do it alone.

And i know it's fucking hard to feel like you need to keep fighting to get help. Some days it feels like just getting up and dressed is the hardest thing in the world, and iron supplements etc may help but they're not going to fix complex mental health issues. You will just need to fight a little bit more to get proper help, if you can do that? Try local mental health charities - do you have Mind near you? They might be able to help you to access support. You don't have to feel like this op.

My snooping and these words of mine drove a wedge bwteen us

I'm really sorry you are going through this, @lookingatthepast I really feel that your anger at yourself is misplaced. Why blame yourself for snooping ?

Decent people in loving relationships don't use escorts and drugs.

It might not be the right time for you to look for support in a relationship. Concentrate on yourself and your lovely children. Life will be easier and less stressful. All the very best.

Sorry for what you’ve been through OP. I know you don’t feel it right now but you’re amazing to have gone through all this and still be standing here to tell your story. It’s hard keeping a brave face and staying strong for your children, I’ve had to become a pro at it myself when I feel like the world’s crumbling around me. But, you will get through it and it’ll be a horrible memory one day.
Can you look into some therapy to help you work through how you feel? You should be really proud of yourself for staying strong in the first place, it’s hard to keep it up and we all need looking after sometimes.

Back at work this evening. I work night shifts at the moment. Its the second day now we havent spoken on the phone. Just feels like a big empty hole in my life. I agree another relationship now isnt what i need / want.

I just want to know why he called these sex workers up. I asked him when it happened if it was because he was looking for something he didnt want to ask me for and he said no. Just said he was stupid. Didnt know why. Guess he just missed the thrill and still to this day maintains he didnt actually go and visit anyone . I just feel daed inside. He simply said its for the best. That it hurts now and he feels sad for how hes treated me and for causing this unhappiness in me but me and my childen will get over it even if it takes a while whereas if he stays in a relatioship he has doubts about he might regret it when hes older.

Iknow people dont have to have a reason to end it if they dont want to be with someone but I feel hes giving up a lovely girlfriend and life for what might be a pipe dream

Congratulate yourself for trusting your instincts- he was up to something- you are well rid of him.
I came on to say you must love your self before anyone else can love you (partner not dcs) you have to value & cherish yourself. Look forward & plan what you want/ like & involve your dcs in some of it.
Love will find you when you’ve forgotten about looking for someone as your happiness will shine from you & attract people.
Have you tried counselling, you sound as if it would help immensely to talk to someone.
You are strong but tired & you need to give yourself a pat on the back, it is hard. He’s done you a favour by going

Oh dear, yes life can be shit sometimes. But it’s always changing and you are moving forward it just might not feel like it sometimes.

Your children will absolutely NOT be better off without you. They will be worse off. So don’t ever think such a thing.

He obviously wasn’t the right person, now you are free to find the right person when the time is right. You’ll never really know why he did what he did. He might not even be able to articulate it himself. His issues are not your issues. I know you want closure on that but you won’t get it. Forget him. Don’t look back.

You could taper off and try Sertraline maybe? Some people prefer that one for anxiety. And agree with pp definitely time to give counselling a go. Sounds like you are doing better than you realise though.

Thanks. I had councelling after my marriage broke down and as much as the lady was lovely I found it was literally me sitting there talking and her saying you have a lot of inner strength. There were no activities to do outsude of sessions, no coping stratedgie or mechanisms tips etc. I dont know if thats right or not. As every week for months and months (18 months roughly) it was variations on the same subjects. My ex husband and my dad basically

I have dipped in and out of why does he do that by Lundy but i could see alot of ex husband there I cant see much of recent ex at all to be honest. I also have a well highlighted copy of women who love too much and co dependent no more by melody beattie. I understand what I am but i dont know how to stop it and change

My heart absolutely aches for my poor childre, I feel so sad for them

You can tell your gp how you feel, your children will not be removed. You don't want to do this because you are seeking help and they will see that. You are having suicidal thoughts because you're depressed. It's an illness and you will get better. How you feel now is not how you will feel forever. You will feel differently in a month, even a week. Get help. Talk to your gp or phone a helpline that's what they are for xxx

Its always going to be part of me lurking in the background. I have been on and off of tablets most of my adult life. It sounds stupid and I know its wrong and mixed up but I feel ok when I have a partner who provides love and care even if they do treat me badly at times. When someone leaves me I literally cant cope emotionally / mentally . Its like all my worst nightmares have just come back again now hes gone. I have lost someone else from my life. I just cant cope with people leaving me all the time anymore

I don’t know if this helps, but you’d be surprised how many people feel/have felt like you do at times. If you can speak to your GP, I’d recommend it, if you find they aren’t supportive, make an appointment with a different one. Your children most definitely will NOT be taken away if you seek help. Other people need not know if you’re worried about that side of things.

As others have said, you won’t feel like this forever.

Try to do any small things that help - exercise, soak in the bath, hugging your DC.

Keep posting here as people genuinely care

Heya.
I'm going through a similar feeling, feeling absolutely broken and crushed by men. I understand the feeling of being empty and loveless and wanting someone to fill that void.

This all stems back to childhood trauma. You weren't loved enough. There's no short term fix to this. But there is a road to take.

You can heal yourself and fix this hole and make a life for yourself. The problem is you're making these men be the foundation of your life. YOU have to be the foundation of your life, the centre. As someone who feels like you do a lot I KNOW how hard this is.

I've been wishing for the fairytale all my life. To help me feel the love I never got, to heal me. But it never works that way. The men are always cheaters or abusers and then damage me and I'm worse off than when I started.

I've come to the point I've given up on love completely and that has freed me. I'm making a life for my daughter and I that no one can change, no one can ruin, because I'm not going to let them in. It's my life and mine alone. I am enough by myself. I am trying to treat myself with a lot of love and care and do lovely things for myself.

Romantic relationships have brought me nothing but misery. I don't want them anymore. I am getting off this rollercoaster. I am building something new for me and my daughter, by myself. I don't need any man to love me. I will love myself. I will heal myself. I will make myself feel worthy.

Fuck them all, frankly.

We’re so sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this, OP and we're a bit concerned, too, to read some of your posts (we're afraid we've had to delete one that referenced a suicide method as we have to take posts like that down).

Please contact the Samaritans, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. There's always someone there to talk. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide

We're going to move this thread to our Mental Health section now, where we think you'll get lots more replies from others who have been where you are now.

@lookingatthepast how has today been? Are you managing to sleep ok after your shifts?

I know sleep deprivation/disturbance plays havoc with my mental health. So be kind to yourself.

Let us know you’re ok and keep venting here. Sending you a hug x

Hi
I was unwell yesterday with a medical condition I have so have spent the last two days on medication and in bed resting
To be be honest the medication has the side effect that it’s numbed all my emotions. I was in so much physical pain with my condition I had to get the paramedics out to see me . I am now resting and trying to get better as feeling sore

So sorry to hear you’ve been poorly and in pain, I hope the rest and meds are helping. Maybe it’s your body’s way of saying you need to rest. Take it easy

How are you doing @lookingatthepast?

Hope you’re feeling a bit better

Hi
Feeling very low. Not been well this week and still quite sore . I miss my ex so so much. The texts have dropped off to the odd one asking how I am pain wise. I literally ache in my heart for him. I am struggling to sleep more than an hour or two here and there. I wake up and realise he’s not next to me. The house is dead they silent. I am literally sat here waiting for one day to end and another to start and on we go. His birthday is next week and normally I would have been excitedly getting a cake and presents etc planning things but now I can’t do any of that as we aren’t together anymore . I am heartbroken. I have spoken to my brother and he just said it’s life move on. Not one other person in my life (mum sisters other brother a couple of mates) have messaged to ask if I am ok or how I am. I feel so alone so unloved and I just wish I could stop this pain. I wake up with a huge knot in my stomach and feeling sick and anxious and it just keeps on and on going .

If I stay quiet and away from my ex do you think he will have some freedom and time to himself and realise what he’s lost and come back to me ? Or will he forget me and just move on with life. He’s already said he still loves me cares about us all and still wants to be a part of our lives but this is the best decision for both of us even if I can’t see it right now

Oh OP, I promise you are not alone or unloved. We’re all with you, I think most of us have been where you are at some point.
That little voice in your head that whispers nasty things - it lies. Can you give it a name and a face, someone whose opinion you can more easily dismiss? Donald Trump works for some people, for me it was Brian, an aging guy in a cardigan who still lived with his mum and had never done anything exciting in his life, but you create a personality that you can shout “Fuck off!” at when they start saying all the poisonous things.
Finding the right AD and the right dose of it will also help, but you have to give each one time for the side effects to settle. When the drs get it right it’s almost like magic.
Absolutely rooting for you OP, hang on in there.

Sorry, I was offline for a couple of days.

As the PP said, you’re absolutely not alone and people are here (on MN), but also at places like Samaritans or local mental health phone lines if you need to chat.

I think you should try to focus on yourself rather than your ex for the time being. Practice being kind to yourself. I’m sure you’re friends and family would be there for you if you told them how much you are struggling. Are you seeing a doc any time soon re the pain etc?