How do you keep going when you just don't want to anymore

[hereistheendoftheline]

That really. I just don't want to keep living anymore. I have kids and they are the only reason I keep going, but I feel like I totally fail them and I'm not good enough. I'm deeply unhappy, I cry regularly. I can't stand hearing other people talk about their lives - the ordinariness of their lives. I've just had enough. I can't bear to keep living like this. I can't see a way to improve it. I have fantasies about my children dying so I can die too. I spoke to a psychologist about my son yesterday and she spoke about getting me support to. She said she would phone me back but she hasn't.
I've just had enough. I just have.

Hi @hereistheendoftheline I don't have specific advice but I couldn't read and run. I'm sorry that you feel this way, and I'm so sorry it has been going on for what sounds like a while. You've taken a fantastic first step in talking to a psychologist even if it was originally only for your son, it is positive that they are considering you too.

Please consider calling Samaritans as they are fantastic for urgent support (phone 116 123 from any UK number).

Try to remember you are worthy, you are cared about and you will not always feel like this. Much love and internetty hugs to you.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.
Take care
MNHQ

no I'm not cared about - I'm really not. There is no-one to say, 'good job', or ' I see how hard you are trying' or to say, ' I see you and I care about you'. there's no-one. I feel like I'm spinning in space with nothing and no-one to hold onto.

I don't see me ever stopping feeling like this. I've felt like it for getting on for three years. I don't see my situation changing.

I've had enough. My kid's dad is taking them away for a trip soon and I am thinking of just ending things then.

Please, please don’t kill yourself. It may feel like no one cares now, it might have done for ages but it won’t always. What about your parents or siblings, are they around? And your kids love and need you more than you can imagine. If you kill yourself they’ll have to carry that round for the rest of their lives.

If you really think you’re in danger of killing yourself please take yourself to A&E and be explicit to them about what your plan is- someone will help you then.

For what it's worth, we see you and we care about you.

Three years is a long time to carry this with you. Suicidal thoughts are so common in very treatable mental health conditions, so there is hope and likelihood that you will get away from these feelings in time. As PP says, A&E will help you if you tell them. There is support out there for you.

Don't give up, lovely.

No, no parents or siblings. I've kept going for my kids but its so hard everyday to wake up and face another day of feeling like this. I just don't see how I can drag myself through it for another 14 years till they are grown up. I've just had enough.

treatable mental health

What's wrong isn't treatable though. My life is just shit and I hate it. I've spent three years trying to forge a new life and it hasn't worked and it won't work. Lockdown has really brought all this home to me. I've felt like this for three years. Its' not getting any better. I just don't believe it ever will because I don't see how to make it better.

So sorry you're feeling so awful OP. I've been there too.

Have you spoken to your GP about how bad you're feeling? Ring your psychologist back if you possibly can. Are you on any medication?

My kids and the thought of my darling dad at my graveside have kept me going when I've been at my worst. Hold onto thinking about your children. I know when youre so low its impossible to believe that things will improve, but they truly can.

Are you managing to get outside for a walk at all? Is there anyone who coukd take your kids out for you so you can have a little breather.

One day at a time. Sending very best wishes

I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time, three years is a long time to struggle on with no support. Another recommendation for Samaritans here, even if you only look at their website for now. You are not alone, people have felt like you feel before and come out the other side, glad they hung on, glad they sought help one more time. Your children are definitely not better of without you.

The awful implication of lots of mental illnesses is that that you can't see that it's an illness.

Depressed people don't know they're depressed and usually just think that everything in their life is shit. Then they get treated and slowly everything starts to seem better.

You need treatment. You need to reach out to a GP and start trying to find the medication that will help you.

If you don't change anything it won't get any better.

I'm sure another person without mental illness wouldn't find your life so horrendous. And you will be able to find joy again once you get medication sorted.

Assuming you haven't tried medication yet then that is one thing that you can change to see if it helps. What's to lose?? You're feeling as low as you've ever felt so now's the time to try everything as it can only get better.

I second the other posters. Try medication, what have you got to lose? It can't hurt you.

I do sympathise, I'm in pretty much the same place. I told my counsellor the same as you said. That no one would care if I killed myself and he said that it would impact him massively and that he would be devastated if I killed myself. Now every time I pick up a blade all I can see is his face.

Someone does care, even if you can't see it, someone cares and would be gutted if you were gone. Your kids would be traumatised and might never recover.

Could you maybe get some therapy or counselling? It might help to talk to someone.

I'm sure another person without mental illness wouldn't find your life so horrendous

Yes they would. You have no idea what happened to blow my life apart.

I'm sorry - you're right I don't know you.

Would you like to talk about it?

I still think medication is the next step.

Medication isn't some magic cure. Suffering isn't always the result of mental disorder. Even if it is, drugs don't sweep it all away. They're imprecise.

Medication can take the edge off mental/emotional pain, which can make things feel more bearable or allow you to feel able to try a new plan to change things. It might be worth it for that. It might not. Only you know, op.

I am sorry things have been so hard for you. Feeling alone in the world is really shit.

The psychologist may still come back to you - these things can unfortunately be slow. Would you feel able to chase up?

If there has been trauma in your life, psychological therapy may help you. It won't fix everything, but it could help your brain process it, help you find practical coping tools, and reduce your pain levels enough for the other practical crappy stuff in your life to feel bearable to face.

Maybe for now it's about only staying in the present moment and trying not to let your mind pull you into the wasteland you're seeing as the future?

If I'm off base, disregard my comments. I don't want to invalidate what you're going through.

Hello hereis

Please ring the Samaritans and tell them how you're feeling. They're brilliant. The number is 116 123.

If it's easier, ring your GP and get an urgently appointment. Tell them you are planning to end your life.

But please ring the Samaritans or your doctor today.

Your children really need you, even if it doesn't feel like it at present. Please do your best to stay alive for them. Will you tell me more about your children? Do you have two boys or a boy and girl? How old are they?

Lettera