Why don’t people understand?

[Vampyhooch]

Just feeling even more low than normal. Been to see my parents today. Told them I’m still awaiting news from the doctors about whether I can start antidepressants because of a heart arrhythmia they need to check with cardiology. My mum then gave me a load of crap saying ‘oh you need to pull yourself together, your the only one who can make yourself feel better. Medication isn’t gonna suddenly change anything. I wish my kids were normal’.

For someone who is meant to be supportive she’s now made me feel so much worse. Doesn’t she think if I had a choice of feeling better and it was under my control I would do it? I’ve tried and it’s made no difference.

You poor darling. I promise not everyone is as heartless as your mother, nor are they as ignorant.

The "pull yourself together" brigade really don't know what they're talking about. Depression is sometimes quite literally a chemical imbalance that antidepressants can correct and when they work, it's like flicking a light switch. It's a total life-changer for those who need them.

With heartless comments like that from your mother, it's easy to see why your mental health could be affected growing up. It seems fairly clear you're not fping to get much support there, so in your shoes, I think it'd just avoid her for the time being and concentrate on getting yourself to a happier place in life.

@JustHavinABreak

You poor darling. I promise not everyone is as heartless as your mother, nor are they as ignorant.

The "pull yourself together" brigade really don't know what they're talking about. Depression is sometimes quite literally a chemical imbalance that antidepressants can correct and when they work, it's like flicking a light switch. It's a total life-changer for those who need them.

With heartless comments like that from your mother, it's easy to see why your mental health could be affected growing up. It seems fairly clear you're not fping to get much support there, so in your shoes, I think it'd just avoid her for the time being and concentrate on getting yourself to a happier place in life.

I swear she thinks I’m purposely putting myself through this mental torment for the sake of it.

If it was as easy to just pull myself together I would as I’m sure many others would in my position.

I have absolutely nothing to be unhappy about. I have a roof over my head, food in the cupboards. A partner and three kids who love me yet I just feel numb.

She probably wasn’t the most attentive mother growing up and we have never really been close. My dad is a bit easier to talk to as he’s been through these struggles himself for most of his life.

I just had to walk out of there. I couldn’t stand being around someone who is meant to love me but making me feel worse about myself

You did the right thing. There comes a time when you have to recognise that she is the woman she is and not the one you wish she had been. You won't change her. The only person you can change is you. So change your expectations of her. Expect nothing and then anything you do get is a bonus. It's not nice at all and I know that feom experience but the day you accept it, there's a certain weight lifted off your shoulders.

The antidepressants will make an enormous difference too because right now you're only really operating at half steam and that's very very hard. There are some that won't be suitable but others that will.

Do you have support from friends IRL?

And you should definitely NOT feel bad about yourself. You're so brave. You're actively saying that you're not okay and that you've gone to your GP for help. That takes guts.

@JustHavinABreak

You did the right thing. There comes a time when you have to recognise that she is the woman she is and not the one you wish she had been. You won't change her. The only person you can change is you. So change your expectations of her. Expect nothing and then anything you do get is a bonus. It's not nice at all and I know that feom experience but the day you accept it, there's a certain weight lifted off your shoulders.

The antidepressants will make an enormous difference too because right now you're only really operating at half steam and that's very very hard. There are some that won't be suitable but others that will.

Do you have support from friends IRL?

I only have a couple of friends to be honest. It’s hard to see them at the moment but they are keeping in touch.

I just feel lucky to have my partner around. While he hasn’t suffered with this personally he just listens .... which is something at least.

I just hope things will improve. I’ve never felt so low and with what happened today it’s just put a major dampener on my mood.

@JustHavinABreak

And you should definitely NOT feel bad about yourself. You're so brave. You're actively saying that you're not okay and that you've gone to your GP for help. That takes guts.

I can’t pretend that I’m okay anymore. I’ve admitted that I need help and that’s hard because I’m stubborn generally anyway and very independent so I try to sort things on my own but this feels beyond my depths of what I can control.

Oh, @Vampyhooch that's so rubbish. But very common I think.

I've been spiralling downwards since the start of lockdown and am now depressed for the first time ever. Getting ADs this week (mine is also cycle related) but I'm really sick if people telling me to cheer up and do wholesome things to help myself!

I think people just don't want it to be true so they sweep over it. Hope you feel better. 💐

My DM's the same.
'Pull yourself together' indeed.
I was also told I needed to think of my 2 DC and that others have it much worse than me but manage well enough.

I've come to realise that in my case DM worries that my mental health reflects badly on her.
She very much worries what others think and regularly tells me "X has a beautiful home and two kids so why is yours not tidy?".

She has no idea what living with poor mental health is like because she doesn't want to know or talk about it.
( If you asked dm if she'd ever suffered she would tell you she has crippling depression and anxiety- but she's one of the ones who just get on with it)

@Mascotte

Oh, *@Vampyhooch* that's so rubbish. But very common I think.

I've been spiralling downwards since the start of lockdown and am now depressed for the first time ever. Getting ADs this week (mine is also cycle related) but I'm really sick if people telling me to cheer up and do wholesome things to help myself!

I think people just don't want it to be true so they sweep over it. Hope you feel better. 💐

Thanks for replying hun. Helps to know I’m not alone although not nice that your going through it too. I emphasise with you.

Really makes me sad and angry when people don’t understand. It’s not just blues for a couple of days it’s full blown depression and there is definitely a huge difference isn’t there? 💐

@Spied

My DM's the same. 'Pull yourself together' indeed. I was also told I needed to think of my 2 DC and that others have it much worse than me but manage well enough.

I've come to realise that in my case DM worries that my mental health reflects badly on her.
She very much worries what others think and regularly tells me "X has a beautiful home and two kids so why is yours not tidy?".

She has no idea what living with poor mental health is like because she doesn't want to know or talk about it.
( If you asked dm if she'd ever suffered she would tell you she has crippling depression and anxiety- but she's one of the ones who just get on with it)

I know that aggravates me too when people say well you have nothing to be unhappy about.... well exactly which is why there is obviously a reason other than situational why I am like this. It also makes me feel more guilty when someone says you have to pull yourself together for the sake of your kids etc.... it actually makes me feel physically sick that I can’t pull myself out of it for their sake. Hence speaking to gp to see what help I can get knowing I can’t carry on like this

I've never felt like this before and it's not like me to be down. Like you I kept putting off sett RT king help, but the GP was lovely when I did and the sense of relief is great. My DP said nothing at all when I told him I'd been prescribed meds 🤷‍♀️

Let's hope for better times!

God knows what happened with autocorrect: seeking help!

@Mascotte

I've never felt like this before and it's not like me to be down. Like you I kept putting off sett RT king help, but the GP was lovely when I did and the sense of relief is great. My DP said nothing at all when I told him I'd been prescribed meds 🤷‍♀️

Let's hope for better times!

I hope the meds help you.

I’m still awaiting an answer from my gp if I can start some as I have an heart arrhythmia so they need to check with heart docs first 🤞

Gosh,sorry, I did realise that. Fingers crossed you get the all clear.

Sorry that you got the reaction that you did, not sure how old your parents are, not that I am excusing what your mother said. But having parents over 70 myself, this is very much an older generation thing. As they grew up differently, things were not known, not talked about, and so lots of people had to just get on with it, not right. There are also those who don't relate the thoughts or feelings even they themselves might be having, to things like anxiety or depression, or choose not to.

No medication doesn't solve everything but it is a necessity for many, and helps them function and get through some of the worst times. I hate it when people say just pull yourself out of it, yes the word depression is thrown around and used too often these days, but for those who do really suffer with it, it's not as simple as just trying to keep your spirits up.

@Redruby25

Sorry that you got the reaction that you did, not sure how old your parents are, not that I am excusing what your mother said. But having parents over 70 myself, this is very much an older generation thing. As they grew up differently, things were not known, not talked about, and so lots of people had to just get on with it, not right. There are also those who don't relate the thoughts or feelings even they themselves might be having, to things like anxiety or depression, or choose not to.

No medication doesn't solve everything but it is a necessity for many, and helps them function and get through some of the worst times. I hate it when people say just pull yourself out of it, yes the word depression is thrown around and used too often these days, but for those who do really suffer with it, it's not as simple as just trying to keep your spirits up.

Thanks for replying hun.

She is only 56. My dad has suffered with depression and anxiety from a young age too so he has a bit more empathy for what I’m going through. Her excuse is though that you have to make yourself happy. I’m sure if everyone could think themselves happy mental health wouldn’t be such a big issue for so many!

It would have been nice to get support off her. I thought that’s what parents are meant to do!? I certainly wouldn’t treat my kids the way she has with me.

Even growing up she would buy me things rather than show affection. I have literally no memories of her sitting with me reading a book or anything nice like that. Just bad memories of her telling me off and being angry with me. She’s very close to my sister but I feel always treats me different. For her to say she wishes she had normal kids has really upset me today. Define normal.... that can mean different things to different people. Maybe I’m just struggling because I’ve tried to stay strong for too long and now it’s caught up on me

Slightly different I know op but I suffer from anxiety and I get the same 'pull yourself together' or there's nothing to worry about' so I know it hurts.
I hope you can see past her comments, I believe my anxiety stems from my parents judgment and criticism, I had her voice in my head for years doubting my confidence, by chance I moved away for work and now I only see her a couple of times a year and feel so much better in myself.

I hope the ads do something for you and you can get some support from another family member.

Sorry op I didn't mean to make that about me, I was just sharing to give you hope that sometimes you can do better without negativity around you.

When I was growing up mum was telling me that mental health issues were for bored rich people/housewives. A normal hardworking person wouldn't have time for that "nonsense". Children have nothing to feel depressed about. Then there were the real "nutters".My self harm was mostly ignored unless she ranted at me for being stupid and what not. You get the idea.

Guess who's being medicated now for anxiety, depression and panic attacks?

@ChockyBicky

Slightly different I know op but I suffer from anxiety and I get the same 'pull yourself together' or there's nothing to worry about' so I know it hurts. I hope you can see past her comments, I believe my anxiety stems from my parents judgment and criticism, I had her voice in my head for years doubting my confidence, by chance I moved away for work and now I only see her a couple of times a year and feel so much better in myself.

I hope the ads do something for you and you can get some support from another family member.

Sorry to hear you’ve had a bad experience with it too. I’m certain that people shouldn’t judge or pass opinion on things they haven’t been through themselves.

Unfortunately we expect support from those who are meant to love us but isnt always the case as we’ve found out ... 💐

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

When I was growing up mum was telling me that mental health issues were for bored rich people/housewives. A normal hardworking person wouldn't have time for that "nonsense". Children have nothing to feel depressed about. Then there were the real "nutters".My self harm was mostly ignored unless she ranted at me for being stupid and what not. You get the idea.

Guess who's being medicated now for anxiety, depression and panic attacks?

Hmm.... could it be your mum by any chance?! 🤔😯

Aren't you a clever cookie? Got it in one!

As for an answer to your question...
A lot of people either don't understand or refuse to accept that mental health issues isn't just being a bit sad, or a bit tired, or a bit overwhelmed or whatever. The brain's chemistry is affected so things just don't work quite right anymore. And the longer it's left, the worse it gets.

Ask you mum if she'd expect you to grow out of a heart defect, or diabetes, or renal failure.

I'd send her this.

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble that photo you attached is so true. The problem is for a lot of people if they can’t see something physically wrong with someone then the problem doesn’t exist.
Or if you get told ‘it’s all in your head’. It’s like yep that’s where my brain resides and unfortunately I don’t have control over it. The body you have control over but the mind is a completely different ball game.

Everything just looks a bit bleak at the moment, I’m just hoping I can overcome this. I know now I need to be stronger than ever but it’s so hard trying to keep my head above water. My children are the ones that are keeping me strong at the moment .... my mother texted me earlier and she’s under the assumption she’s done nothing wrong even though I texted her back and said what she said upset me....

This is going to sound so shit and bitchy, and I'm sorry.

But stop looking for support,validation and reassurance where there isn't any. She doesn't get it. She probably doesn't even want to because she wants "normal" kids and whatever other bullshit. She isn't who you need and you have to accept that.

Take what she gives if you want it/need and see her for what she is. Otherwise you just keep hurting yourself and wasting precious energy .

You're drowning, trying again and again to reach a life saver that had a puncture in it , won't do you any good no matter how safe you think it should be .

You're better off threading water and wait for the life guards(friends,GP,meds,therapy , support groups etc).