What did depression feel like for you?

[Vampyhooch]

Hi,

I think I’m suffering from depression. I just wanted to know other peoples experiences of it and what helped really. Feel awful.

Yes numb to any emotion. Just felt like I was existing in life and not living. Life felt very heavy.

It was mainly medication with a mix of the others that helped and time!

@Trailing1

Currently, my depression varies in how it feels. One day I can over react and be angry and the next, I want to sleep all day and be left alone. I don't really cry about it, but my feelings tend to present as raging anger or I become withdrawn. Oddly enough at work I laugh and joke, nobody would guess what demons were under the surface. But the reality is that I get up each day, which is a struggle, and wish it was night again. Sometimes I pray I won't wake up. I know these are irrational thoughts but I cannot overcome them. I currently cannot get hold of my doctors due to the coronavirus situation, so I can't discuss going back onto antidepressants. My depression started as PND, I didn't seek help straight away, because husband told me if I took ADs our insurances would take a hit and that work could hold it against me. Also because nobody believed me when I said I was unwell. They all labelled me as lazy and bone-idle when all the while I was suicidal.

I hope you find treatment and help that you deserve, OP. it's a shit road but lots of people get better and find things that work for them. X

Sorry that you’ve been through all that. Was it antidepressants that helped you feel better?

@foreverblowingbubbles87

Yes numb to any emotion. Just felt like I was existing in life and not living. Life felt very heavy.

It was mainly medication with a mix of the others that helped and time!

That sounds all too familiar. :(

Hello Op

Antidepressants took me a while to recover
Think I just grew to understand why I was in that state!
I was numb
Just awful I felt I couldn't cope, I just laid on bathroom floor where I was safe.
Doctor just said that I looked ok to him but started on antidepressants anyway. Maybe if I had a broken arm he might have took more notice.
I'm pleased to say they take more notice of mental health nowadays.

Meditation
Breathing exercises too
Find time for yourself

It's a nasty thing depression but you will get through it
Take one day at a time
Little steps
All the very best x

For me, it was crippling feelings of failure. That I was a disappointment to everyone.

Horrible paranoia, thinking everyone could see “through” me, like I was transparent, and everyone could see how pathetic, weak and useless I was. This massively affected my work - I could not have productive relationships with colleagues at all because I was convinced they could all see the “real, useless” me.

Feelings of “wanting to escape” and “run away” (I always try to catch myself when these feelings happen now - it is usually the first sign that I am starting to spiral again)

And this was the real biggie for me - debilitating insomnia. I basically stopped sleeping at all. Resulting in me being a tearful, exhausted wreck.

I was so lucky to find an amazing GP, who gave me a sedating antidepressant called Mirtazapine. It was a miracle - I started sleeping for 7 hours a night and got stronger and stronger each day. It came with a side effect of increased appetite and weight gain, which I did struggle with for a while, but with diet and exercise I am managing it.

I’ve tried to stop taking them in the past and all those feelings start to come back again, so I know I am much better to stay on them. On them, I am happy, productive and can get on with my life.

Please get some help, it can be a tricky condition to treat, but it CAN be treated, and you do not have to feel this way x

I don’t even know how to describe the exact feeling properly, but it was crushing, and I just wanted to disappear from the world until it somehow felt better. You’d never have known from the outside, but maintaining that facade was exhausting and I used to have to go straight to bed when I got home from work. I never hit suicidal though, someone I loved was lost that way 2 years ago and it almost destroyed me.
ADs have been a revelation. The world has colour and light and most of all hope. I wish I’d got them sooner - it took a year of me asking the dr before they agreed to prescribe them!

Unbearable sadness, with periods of not wanting to do anything I just wanted to switch off. Lots of crying. I did want to die , regularly , just existing was agony , my mind wouldn't stop.
I genuinely thought people would be better without me and would understand that I couldn't live with the pain.

For me, it was counselling that really helped had a lot of hard things happen to me and I kept reliving it on a loop. It was self-perpetuating, I had a childhood with a lot of issues and come from a family with huge mental health problems then I married a man like this who treated me badly then felt like I deserved it !!
Work for me has also helped and I'm good at it and so my brain receives positive messages. Exercise and routine help, I often wish I could not do a walk and have a day in bed but that would send me into a spiral!
I still have difficult days but they are just days, not weeks, I'm well and generally happy.I probably think of myself a bit like a non-drinking alcoholic I have steps that keep me well and I need to stick to it . Hope you find your path its a shit place to be , sending positive thoughts.

@Killerpinkflamingo

For me, it was crippling feelings of failure. That I was a disappointment to everyone.

Horrible paranoia, thinking everyone could see “through” me, like I was transparent, and everyone could see how pathetic, weak and useless I was. This massively affected my work - I could not have productive relationships with colleagues at all because I was convinced they could all see the “real, useless” me.

Feelings of “wanting to escape” and “run away” (I always try to catch myself when these feelings happen now - it is usually the first sign that I am starting to spiral again)

And this was the real biggie for me - debilitating insomnia. I basically stopped sleeping at all. Resulting in me being a tearful, exhausted wreck.

I was so lucky to find an amazing GP, who gave me a sedating antidepressant called Mirtazapine. It was a miracle - I started sleeping for 7 hours a night and got stronger and stronger each day. It came with a side effect of increased appetite and weight gain, which I did struggle with for a while, but with diet and exercise I am managing it.

I’ve tried to stop taking them in the past and all those feelings start to come back again, so I know I am much better to stay on them. On them, I am happy, productive and can get on with my life.

Please get some help, it can be a tricky condition to treat, but it CAN be treated, and you do not have to feel this way x

Thank you for sharing your experience. It really helps hearing from other people who have been through this and come out the other side.

I’m still awaiting to hear back off docs to see whether I can start meds as I have a heart arrhythmia so they need to check with the cardiology doctors first. In the meanwhile it’s getting worse so I hope I can start something.

@Sunbird24

I don’t even know how to describe the exact feeling properly, but it was crushing, and I just wanted to disappear from the world until it somehow felt better. You’d never have known from the outside, but maintaining that facade was exhausting and I used to have to go straight to bed when I got home from work. I never hit suicidal though, someone I loved was lost that way 2 years ago and it almost destroyed me. ADs have been a revelation. The world has colour and light and most of all hope. I wish I’d got them sooner - it took a year of me asking the dr before they agreed to prescribe them!

Thanks for sharing your experience and sorry you had to go through it too it’s awful isn’t it. What antidepressants did you try? How long did it take for you to start seeing an improvement?

@feelingdizzy

Unbearable sadness, with periods of not wanting to do anything I just wanted to switch off. Lots of crying. I did want to die , regularly , just existing was agony , my mind wouldn't stop. I genuinely thought people would be better without me and would understand that I couldn't live with the pain. For me, it was counselling that really helped had a lot of hard things happen to me and I kept reliving it on a loop. It was self-perpetuating, I had a childhood with a lot of issues and come from a family with huge mental health problems then I married a man like this who treated me badly then felt like I deserved it !! Work for me has also helped and I'm good at it and so my brain receives positive messages. Exercise and routine help, I often wish I could not do a walk and have a day in bed but that would send me into a spiral! I still have difficult days but they are just days, not weeks, I'm well and generally happy.I probably think of myself a bit like a non-drinking alcoholic I have steps that keep me well and I need to stick to it . Hope you find your path its a shit place to be , sending positive thoughts.

Thanks for sharing your experience. They say some depression is circumstancial while others is a chemical imbalance. I’m glad therapy helped you along the way

@Killerpinkflamingo my god, every word you said is exactly how I feel especially the bit about feeling like everyone will find out. I’ve never heard anyone out it like you have.

I’m going through it at the moment. I feel scared, and alone, even though I’m not. And I feel angry that this is who I am. It has robbed me of so much joy in my life. A horrible thing to go through. Sending love to you OP

@Vampyhooch I started on mirtazapine before Christmas, changed to sertraline in March as the weight gain was getting to me, even though it was helping a bit. When I needed a repeat prescription for the sertraline there was going to be a big wait because of the lockdown, so the dr gave me citalopram instead. I’ve been on it 3 months, but I’ve been feeling good for a few weeks now.

@Vampyhooch I was put on Mirtazepine and it was horrendous. They're tiny little tablets and my doctor said to take one a day which I did - when I eventually woke up I was groggy and incoherent and just kept falling back to sleep. I spoke to my doctor again and she suggested taking half a tablet, so I did, and the side effects were exactly the same. I literally couldn't go on taking them so I had to make the choice of living like a zombie on them, or not taking them.

I stopped the tablets and instead tried making plans to focus on as often as I could. Don't get me wrong, the depression was still there and I cried and cried most days, but I forced myself to do things: walk, read, watch something, learn something. Even when I didn't want to do any of those things I forced myself and eventually, I came out of the other side

@Vampyhooch i should mention this was back in 2008 when I suffered a huge bereavement. Last year though I suffered badly with anxiety after having DD1 so I started going to Mind too - that really helped me, honestly I can't praise them and the work they do enough. The doctor also prescribed me Sertraline to relax me but I still haven't taken any. I didn't want to be reliant on tablets. I carry them round with me in my bag 'just in case' but haven't taken one yet

@Soscared29 I’m sorry you are feeling this way too, I know how awful it is.

I can only describe the feeling of “being found out” now that I am better, with the benefit of hindsight. At the time, it was just my “normal”. I knew I felt awful at the time, but I just couldn’t pinpoint why. Once Mirtazapine started working for me, I was able to look back and realise that those feelings of failure and being “found out” were NOT normal. Once those feelings were gone (thanks to the medication) I could truly see how debilitating they had been, and how much they had been holding me back and robbing me of all enjoyment in life (just like you said in your post). I can live my life now, happily, without all these terrible thoughts - it has been a revelation!

I know that it feels like you will never feel better when you are in the thick of it, but I promise you that things can get better

[quote dillydallydollydaydream7]@Vampyhooch I was put on Mirtazepine and it was horrendous. They're tiny little tablets and my doctor said to take one a day which I did - when I eventually woke up I was groggy and incoherent and just kept falling back to sleep. I spoke to my doctor again and she suggested taking half a tablet, so I did, and the side effects were exactly the same. I literally couldn't go on taking them so I had to make the choice of living like a zombie on them, or not taking them.

I stopped the tablets and instead tried making plans to focus on as often as I could. Don't get me wrong, the depression was still there and I cried and cried most days, but I forced myself to do things: walk, read, watch something, learn something. Even when I didn't want to do any of those things I forced myself and eventually, I came out of the other side [/quote]
So essentially you got through it by yourself without the meds?

[quote dillydallydollydaydream7]@Vampyhooch i should mention this was back in 2008 when I suffered a huge bereavement. Last year though I suffered badly with anxiety after having DD1 so I started going to Mind too - that really helped me, honestly I can't praise them and the work they do enough. The doctor also prescribed me Sertraline to relax me but I still haven't taken any. I didn't want to be reliant on tablets. I carry them round with me in my bag 'just in case' but haven't taken one yet [/quote]
Glad you found mind helpful. What did they do to help?