What did depression feel like for you?

[Vampyhooch]

Hi,

I think I’m suffering from depression. I just wanted to know other peoples experiences of it and what helped really. Feel awful.

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

Like a sinister malevolent miasma inside. Bleak. Just a swirling cloud inside me, no stability, nothing solid to hang onto. I used to say l felt like ghost, bits of me drifting off. Horrible haunting cold feeling.

Like a dementor

This rings so true with me. It feels like hell. What helped you get better?

@seaandsand1

I used to feel so hopeless. I’d go through the motions, but not see the point in anything. I felt suicidal, mostly to just want to stop the pain. I felt sick constantly and had horrible stomach pains. I would self harm to just feel something different. I knew I loved my friends and family and I forced myself to see them, even though I didn’t want to see them at all.

A few months back I was diagnosed with PTSD and dissociative disorder. I have been in therapy for six months - which has helped a lot. I don’t think I’m depressed anymore, just struggling with the symptoms of the PTSD. It’s a horrible place to be, but it doesn’t last forever - there is hope.

So sorry you felt like this. Glad the therapy is proving useful x

@Vampyhooch

Thank you.

I really hope you find the help you need. I think the part I found hardest was feeling like it would never end. Others would tell me it would, but I just couldn’t believe them. I’m now in the position to know it can get better, but it doesn’t help at the time.

I’ve really had to fight for what I need from the NHS, which at a time when I was struggling so much was hard. One gateway worker told me I must be fine as I had showered! However my GP referred me directly to a NHS psychiatrist and she has been great and understanding.

I’ve gone privately for my therapy, which although isn’t easy financially, has been the best decision I could have made. What’s money when you want to die everyday. But I know I’m lucky to be able to afford it with some changes in lifestyle.

Good luck.

I use to wake up and go and lay on the bathroom floor and shut myself off from everyone.

My bathroom at the time had no windows so I felt safe.
I just didn't want to face anyone.
I never felt suicidal
I always wanted to get better but I was in a very dark place,
Turns out I had postnatal depression
30 years on I am still on antidepressants
I am a different person today, hold down a very good job working on a very busy NHS ward with lots of lovely friends.
Sadly tho my son was brought up by his dad, we split up when I was ill
I feel guilty everyday that I couldn't cope
Before my son was born
I had a daughter at 16 and I was fine.
Also I had no support with my son
We speak today and we have a nice relationship

What helped me?

Anti depressants a bit.
3 rounds of CBT, and one round of mindfulness did nothing.
Paid for some EDMR, which helped quite a lot.
Currently waiting for psychotherapy on NHS

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

What helped me?

Anti depressants a bit.
3 rounds of CBT, and one round of mindfulness did nothing.
Paid for some EDMR, which helped quite a lot.
Currently waiting for psychotherapy on NHS

What is emdr? Glad you’ve found some things that have helped. I imagine the waiting list for psychotherapy is quite long

[quote seaandsand1]@Vampyhooch

Thank you.

I really hope you find the help you need. I think the part I found hardest was feeling like it would never end. Others would tell me it would, but I just couldn’t believe them. I’m now in the position to know it can get better, but it doesn’t help at the time.

I’ve really had to fight for what I need from the NHS, which at a time when I was struggling so much was hard. One gateway worker told me I must be fine as I had showered! However my GP referred me directly to a NHS psychiatrist and she has been great and understanding.

I’ve gone privately for my therapy, which although isn’t easy financially, has been the best decision I could have made. What’s money when you want to die everyday. But I know I’m lucky to be able to afford it with some changes in lifestyle.

Good luck.[/quote]
I hope so too.

I hope the nhs can help as I’m not in a position to pay privately unfortunately and I feel my mental health is getting worse as time is getting on.

At least hoping they may decide to try me on some antidepressants and hoping they may help a bit.... never tried them before

Like I was in a black hole with no ladder to get out....but also couldn't even get enough energy or emotion to care about it. Very lethargic and felt overwhelmingly that I was a burden to everyone.

Please seek help, try your GP first, mine was really helpful and I managed to turn the situation around before it became reoccurring and had a hugely detrimental impact on my life.

@Riv12345

I use to wake up and go and lay on the bathroom floor and shut myself off from everyone.

My bathroom at the time had no windows so I felt safe.
I just didn't want to face anyone.
I never felt suicidal
I always wanted to get better but I was in a very dark place,
Turns out I had postnatal depression
30 years on I am still on antidepressants
I am a different person today, hold down a very good job working on a very busy NHS ward with lots of lovely friends.
Sadly tho my son was brought up by his dad, we split up when I was ill
I feel guilty everyday that I couldn't cope
Before my son was born
I had a daughter at 16 and I was fine.
Also I had no support with my son
We speak today and we have a nice relationship

Sorry to hear you’ve had a tough time too. It’s hard bringing up little ones without no support. It’s good that you have a good relationship with him.

Was it just antidepressants that helped you recover?

@Thekindyoufindinasecondhand

Like I was in a black hole with no ladder to get out....but also couldn't even get enough energy or emotion to care about it. Very lethargic and felt overwhelmingly that I was a burden to everyone.

Please seek help, try your GP first, mine was really helpful and I managed to turn the situation around before it became reoccurring and had a hugely detrimental impact on my life.

Yes I can totally relate to this. Kinda feels like all the emotion has been sucked out of you and your just an empty shell going through the motions? Makes life hard living like that everyday.

Yes, I think the beast of depression is you genuinely believe it will never go. It may be that it never does disappear and is reoccurring, but you do need to seek professional help in managing it so it has as little impact possible on your life.

I have felt very bad, off and on, over the last year. I don't identify with the empty, numb experience some describe (though I'm sure that's also awful)
For me it's like someone has described upthread, a horrible, cold, grey fog of pure FEAR. Overwhelming disappointment with myself and my past. Fear of the future. Anxiety during the day (like rats in my stomach) that transforms into sadness towards the evening. alcohol really helps to soothe this fear and sadness, though of course it is a depressant.
At my worst I think about death alot, I fear it but it also comforts in a way. I have a suicide plan that I think would work. Most of all I would like what Hamlet described, to dissolve into a mist (paraphrased) to simply disappear without anyone noticing.
On occasion I have taken a few doses of Nightnurse and slept through an entire weekend, when being awake and conscious feels too painful, but I know this is the worst form of avoidance.

That was helpful to write down.

I feel numb, contemplated suicide, didn't get any enjoyment out of life and basically couldn't even muster up energy to shower or clean my house (which if you knew me it isn't me!)

I had counselling, antidepressants and cbt.

I have experienced a few different types of depression.
The painful depression where it feels like my insides have been removed without pain relief. The overwhelming sadness and pain was debilitating and I spent a lot of time crying and silently screaming.
The anxious/agitated depression, I get restless and can't settle. There is a constant feeling that I need to be somewhere or that someone needs me. I struggle to sleep and focus anything other than these thoughts.
I also get the flat depressions where I don't care about anything. I can't make decisions even silly things like if I want tea/coffee, what to have for dinner or what to watch on TV. I just kinda of sleep walk through the days on type of autopilot.

I take a mood stabiliser as I'm bipolar and can't take antidepressants. Different things help depending on the variety of depression I'm experiencing at the time. I have had self compassion based cbt which was helpful and had counselling to help live with the day to day symptoms whilst medication can have an effect.

Depression is a more multifaceted that people realise. I'm sorry that you are struggling with it, I hope you find some things that help you.

Hey, one way to perhaps see if this is a more traditional 'brain chemistry out of whack depression' is whether there are any reasons outside of your depressed mind that you are miserable. For example if you've been made unemployed, your mum died, and you have a serious health condition, it might be you address these. In my case, the depression didn't have a cause, my life was amazing, yet I still felt so incredibly dead inside. Talk to your gp, and certainly dont write of medication, or may well be it gets rid of it, and whatever the difficulties may be with it, it wont be as bad as what you feel now.

Insommnia and feeling no joy. Intrusive thoughts of doom. I've been on antidepressants over 4 periods in my life. The more recent two times it was post natal and sertraline changed me within a week.

@Thekindyoufindinasecondhand

Yes, I think the beast of depression is you genuinely believe it will never go. It may be that it never does disappear and is reoccurring, but you do need to seek professional help in managing it so it has as little impact possible on your life.

What have you found to be good ways for managing it?

@cheezy

I have felt very bad, off and on, over the last year. I don't identify with the empty, numb experience some describe (though I'm sure that's also awful) For me it's like someone has described upthread, a horrible, cold, grey fog of pure FEAR. Overwhelming disappointment with myself and my past. Fear of the future. Anxiety during the day (like rats in my stomach) that transforms into sadness towards the evening. alcohol really helps to soothe this fear and sadness, though of course it is a depressant. At my worst I think about death alot, I fear it but it also comforts in a way. I have a suicide plan that I think would work. Most of all I would like what Hamlet described, to dissolve into a mist (paraphrased) to simply disappear without anyone noticing. On occasion I have taken a few doses of Nightnurse and slept through an entire weekend, when being awake and conscious feels too painful, but I know this is the worst form of avoidance.

That was helpful to write down.

That sounds awful and some of that I can relate to. How do you manage the depression?

@foreverblowingbubbles87

I feel numb, contemplated suicide, didn't get any enjoyment out of life and basically couldn't even muster up energy to shower or clean my house (which if you knew me it isn't me!)

I had counselling, antidepressants and cbt.

By numb do you mean like feeling no emotion and not caring about anything?

Which method did you find most useful or was it a mix of them all?

@Superscientist

I have experienced a few different types of depression. The painful depression where it feels like my insides have been removed without pain relief. The overwhelming sadness and pain was debilitating and I spent a lot of time crying and silently screaming. The anxious/agitated depression, I get restless and can't settle. There is a constant feeling that I need to be somewhere or that someone needs me. I struggle to sleep and focus anything other than these thoughts. I also get the flat depressions where I don't care about anything. I can't make decisions even silly things like if I want tea/coffee, what to have for dinner or what to watch on TV. I just kinda of sleep walk through the days on type of autopilot.

I take a mood stabiliser as I'm bipolar and can't take antidepressants. Different things help depending on the variety of depression I'm experiencing at the time. I have had self compassion based cbt which was helpful and had counselling to help live with the day to day symptoms whilst medication can have an effect.

Depression is a more multifaceted that people realise. I'm sorry that you are struggling with it, I hope you find some things that help you.

Sorry that you’ve been through it too but yes I suppose it can affect people in different ways and to varying extents.

For me it’s more of the flat depression. Like nothing has any meaning anymore. Like there is a glass wall between me and those close to me. Feeling distanced from myself and the world

Physically: it felt like moving through treacle. Like the air was too heavy for me to push past. I needed to sleep all day and all night.

Mentally: it felt like I was a computer frozen on the rainbow spinning wheel. I had thoughts, plans, ideas but they were ensnared by some unknown entity and I was being rerouted round and round in a circle until it became impossible even to complete the most basic tasks like washing or dressing.

Emotionally: I felt nothing. Empty, as though I didn't actually exist at all but there was this lump of flesh and bone on the earth that was supposed to be inhabited, that went by my name, but there was nobody home.

@Student133

Hey, one way to perhaps see if this is a more traditional 'brain chemistry out of whack depression' is whether there are any reasons outside of your depressed mind that you are miserable. For example if you've been made unemployed, your mum died, and you have a serious health condition, it might be you address these. In my case, the depression didn't have a cause, my life was amazing, yet I still felt so incredibly dead inside. Talk to your gp, and certainly dont write of medication, or may well be it gets rid of it, and whatever the difficulties may be with it, it wont be as bad as what you feel now.

Thanks for replying. Yes this makes sense. A lot of Things have happened in my life that have made me anxious over the last year but nothing about my life has changed. I’ve got three beautiful children and a partner who loves me. Just feels like my perception of myself and everything has changed and that it’s out of my control. Just feel so detached from everything.

@CottonSock

Insommnia and feeling no joy. Intrusive thoughts of doom. I've been on antidepressants over 4 periods in my life. The more recent two times it was post natal and sertraline changed me within a week.

I didn’t realise insomnia was a part of it. I have been suffering with this. Falling asleep and waking up pretty much every hour.

I’ve never been on antidepressants I am willing to try them if they help though. They seem to be working well for lots of people.

Wow a week! That’s quick. What were the differences with the sertraline? Did it make you feel your normal self again?

@monkeyonthetable

Physically: it felt like moving through treacle. Like the air was too heavy for me to push past. I needed to sleep all day and all night.

Mentally: it felt like I was a computer frozen on the rainbow spinning wheel. I had thoughts, plans, ideas but they were ensnared by some unknown entity and I was being rerouted round and round in a circle until it became impossible even to complete the most basic tasks like washing or dressing.

Emotionally: I felt nothing. Empty, as though I didn't actually exist at all but there was this lump of flesh and bone on the earth that was supposed to be inhabited, that went by my name, but there was nobody home.

Thank you for posting this! I can relate to a lot of this.

What helped you?

Currently, my depression varies in how it feels. One day I can over react and be angry and the next, I want to sleep all day and be left alone. I don't really cry about it, but my feelings tend to present as raging anger or I become withdrawn.
Oddly enough at work I laugh and joke, nobody would guess what demons were under the surface. But the reality is that I get up each day, which is a struggle, and wish it was night again. Sometimes I pray I won't wake up. I know these are irrational thoughts but I cannot overcome them.
I currently cannot get hold of my doctors due to the coronavirus situation, so I can't discuss going back onto antidepressants.
My depression started as PND, I didn't seek help straight away, because husband told me if I took ADs our insurances would take a hit and that work could hold it against me. Also because nobody believed me when I said I was unwell. They all labelled me as lazy and bone-idle when all the while I was suicidal.

I hope you find treatment and help that you deserve, OP. it's a shit road but lots of people get better and find things that work for them. X