Unhappy

[Thompson54]

Hi, new to this but don't know where else to turn my other half has told me how unhappy they are and that I'm controlling them and won't let them do anything.

I must admit this has come completely out of the blue. we have been married 17 years and I thought for the most part everything was good but then I find they have been flirting with people on Instagram which I don't mind but they keep it a secret and My daughter told me about it.

when I confronted them about it it's been one argument after another we are not even sleeping together anymore they keep there phone with them at all times which I find strange even hiding it when they sleep they used to put it in the bedroom table that's how I know this today I asked if our marriage is over and the reply was stop pushing me in this or I won't like the answer!

Help ! I'm so upset what do I do????

We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic for the OP.

You understand that he is a liar and a cheat.
Now you know this, what do YOU want?
How old are your DC?
He's already following the cheaters 'script'
Have a read through of THIS THREAD so you can prepare for what is to come.
What you need to do, is take back control of YOUR life!
Does he have somewhere he can go?
If so then ask him to leave so you can think things through without him in your headspace.
Stop doing anything for him.
No cooking, shopping, cleaning, washing, tidying, ironing, etc.....
Live a separate life and leave him to get on with it.
Have a look at family solicitors in your area and have a chat with them about your options.
Do you work?
Does he work?
What is the living situation?
You say other half (OH), are you actually married?

So sorry OP. Can you end it? It sounds over tbh. Are you dependent on your OH, is there anything keeping you with them?

Sorry to hear this, it does sound like it's over but he hasn't got the guts to finish it.
If he regretted his behaviour he would be asking for your forgiveness, a man that isn't sorry and still continues being strange about his phone, deserves to be kicked out. Must be awkward for your daughter too.

Well, you know the answer. She is no longer interested. Time to start thinking about leaving.

Yes I am married 17 years he has nowhere to go I don't have anyone ether I spoke to him today and told I don't want to be here anymore he said I should ring a helpline and talk to someone

he said I should ring a helpline and talk to someone
Aha - so now you are crazy!!??
Do read the link I put on my previous post.
This is all standard 'cheaters script' crap.

What are your options?

Oh yes, the classic "Script." Get a solicitor and end this charade.

Tell him you're staying put and he's going, you've not done anything wrong

There’s another woman on the scene, he just hasn’t the balls to tell you. So sorry, I know the hurt, pain and anger you are feeling, be prepared to be on this emotional rollercoaster for some time. The best thing for you is to ask him to leave. I know it’s hard and it’s going to tear through you like a knife, but distance is what you need . Read the script ( as above) keep communication with him minimum. Try and get some counselling- it really helped me during the dark times, when I just wanted it all to end. Keep strong.

I have 5 children with him I decided to tell them today what has been going on he didn't like that most if not all sided with me yes we are both dependant on each other for money and have no where to go also when I said I don't want to be here anymore I meant end my life I rang a helpline it calmed me down for now but those thoughts are still in my head

If you have suicidal thoughts you must seek help immediately. I have no experience with this but please ask for help. You have 5 children, they would never ever be better off having a parent commit suicide. Never.

There is Samaritans – for everyone
Call 116 123
Email [email protected]

Hello, OP.
We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Hi already spoke to samaritans the went told other half called me pathetic because I felt like this

Go to A&E if you feel really bad, they have psychiatrists there to help.
Keep talking on here too.

So woke up this morning feeling very bad trying to take it day by day but doesn't seem to any light left to look for last night he was trying to get a reaction out of me winding me up I didn't react to it rise to it I brushed it off it was so so very painful I feel so alone so much pain inside I'm not eating much not sleeping much nightmares I'm shielding at the moment so can't go anywhere due to my health don't want to do anything my son gave me a hug I nearly burst into tears yesterday so much pain

Sending you a virtual hug. (don't cry!)

OP, you need to talk to friends and family. You need to contact your GP and definitely call the Samaritans again.

There will be better times ahead for you. Right now is difficult.

Ive been there where you are now, i can tell you it will get better. But you have to focus on yourself and really take it step by step.
Don’t fight the pain, let it go through you and release it slowly. Take breathing exercises to calm yourself down. And find one person who you trust and can tell what is going on.
For me it was my health visitor. She was amazing.
I would like to give you one advice, maybe it won’t look it’s helpful now but please think about it.
You need to realise that you choose what will happen with your life, you might feel out of control completely and that everything is falling apart. It is understandable now, but realise his actions had nothing to do with you.
He choose that, he made the decision to do what he did, he choose to behave the way he did. We cannot control or change anything else but ourselves.
You choose your own path and Your life. No one can do that for you.
Start with self healing.
Look at this as a challenge and obstacle you need to pass and i can promise you will feel stronger at the other side of it.
I

Thank you for all your support I will try to focus on me and get through this I just hope I'm strong enough

So he's just told my eldest son that things will work it self out but not for the best I still had hope I just want my marriage back I don't know how to go on thank you all for trying to help

Hope you are okay. Make an appointment with the GP tomorrow and try to get some counselling set up.
It is very hard, but that doesn't mean that things won't get better. Time is a fantastic healer, just take it a day (or even an hour) at a time, eat, sleep, exercise and breath and you will find it will all be okay in the end.
There is so much to live for (5 excellent reasons for you) even if it is completely different from how you thought it was going to be. Be strong, you can do this.

So I did it I said ooo up for my self I told him there are a lot worse people then me out there and I'm a good person not perfect but not terrible I said I'm a good wife mother and I don't deserve this I want to know by the end of the day yesterday if we are together or not ! After 2 hours of his saying what a terrible person I am and he won't make a decision he suggested a Compromise and asked me why exactly I wanted I said I want a decision he said give me a month I said fine said I want a show of affection he said in a week if I don't push him he said bully Hume and give him some space I said fine we have operations coming up health issues I said I want to give you a cuddle be you go for that and I want a cuddle before I go for mine he said fine he's still sleeping downstairs but came to bed at 5 am I didn't go downstairs after I came to bed did I do the right thing??? God I hope I did

Only time will tell. I cannot give you constructive advice as i am not in your position at the moment.
All i can tell you is build yourself up.
Make yourself stronger and no one will hurt you again like that. As we have to love ourselves first and have to respect ourselves.