OCD and Intrusive paternity thoughts- please help :(

[squashie34]

Just looking for some advice and a handhold please.

I am previous sufferer of anxiety and some ocd traits which I was on setraline for but I stopped taking as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant and up until the 12 week scan I was blissfully happy that myself and my partner had conceived, even though we hadn’t been actively trying (I used the basal thermometer as a loose contraception but that month it had me down as ovulating on day 11 rather than 14 so said they were a few green days when it wasn’t meant to be) Anyway, at the 12 week scan they put me forward 5 days from this date and gave me a new due date- even though I said I knew the day I ovulated.
This then threw me into a complete spiral about how the dates could be so different and then the thoughts started: that the baby is not his and that I must have been with someone else on my birthday night out the weekend they now said I had conceived when I was drunk and I just don’t remember. I should add I remember most parts of this night, we only went to one place and we're home by 11:30- my best friend drove us home and stayed at mine the night, so unless I had sex with someone in the toilet that was a complete stranger and had never seen before that was the the only time it could have happened. I am really not that type of person and have never had a one night stand. I love my partner so much - so I sort of then just brushed it off as a silly intrusive thought, thinking I’d remember if that was the case .
However as my pregnancy has gone on and on this irrational fear is just getting worse, and now it’s taken over my life- so much so every day it will say to me ‘but what if it is true and you just don’t remember?’ 'Are you sure there isn't half an hour of the night you can't remember?' My brain is convinced the baby will be born a different race and I’ve not been able to enjoy my pregnancy- at every single single scan I analyse her face on the 2D scanner and think she has ethnic features such as big lips and looks nothing like my partner, I look at her femur measurements which are showing big and think because me and my partner are short it can’t be his as she looks like she will have long legs.

I’m convinced she will be born and it will break my partners heart and everyone will think I'm a liar and the worst person ever- I’ll be left as a single parent and I’m really struggling to cope now because I'm dreading the birth.

Does anyone please have any advice?

Oh you poor thing, you've had months of feeling like this.

Practically speaking, you don't know exactly when you conceived and babies' sizes don't always match the dates even if you do, it's not an exact science. A week or so difference either side is normal. I think I ovulated a week earlier than my dates say.

But most importantly- you know yourself that all of this is just anxiety and poor mental health talking. Have you spoken to your midwife or GP about this?

You really do need to speak to someone as soon as possible so this doesn't go on for you, so you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and the birth of your baby the way you deserve to. Also there is a higher chance of developing PND if you have antenatal anxiety/OCD so it's best to have the professionals on hand to guide and support you. They want what's best for you and your baby, which is a healthy mental state. They will help you, and soon you'll look back on this and it will just be in the past.

OP, I had EXACTLY the same thing. I was paranoid I had got pregnant via a smear test that I had on the day I ovulated, that the nurse must have reused the speculum without cleaning it or something. I felt sick with worry for weeks.

Without wishing to scare you, my OCD got a lot worse after the birth and I had to stay in a mother and baby unit for a while.

Please, please, please go and see your GP about going back on the sertraline. I started taking it a few days after my admission and I was like a different person. It was like i could suddenly see how ridiculous all my fears were, I could see things how 'normal' people would see them.

GPs are not usually well versed on intrusive thoughts, so print off a summary from the OCD website and take it with you. It will save you having to say it all out loud.

The worst thing you can do is ignore it and end up like me. If I can just help one other person get help before they end up in the state I did, it will be worth it. I kept convincing myself I would 'snap out of it tomorrow' but the knots just get tighter as time goes on.

Feel free to message me if there is anything else you would like to know.

I am now completely recovered. I NEVER thought I would say that. You WILL get better if you seek help.

Sending hugs xx

please get in touch with your local mental health service to be referred to perinatal (presume you are in England?). They will recognise what you are describing.

Have a look at this page too: maternalocd.org/

Op I’ve also suffered through the same, cbt was a life saver, combined with anti depressants.

Please seek help.

Ladies I can't thank you enough for your replies already- I was really worried putting it on here that people may read and think 'she's just someone who doesn't know who the father is and is disguising it as an intrusive thought' I guess that's the overthinking again. I can't explain how much heading your advice means to me.

@Wolfgirrl I'm so sorry to hear that you had a bad experience with all of this and I think you are right- I did explain to my midwife who referred me to perinatal mental health but I got a letter off them a week later essentially saying that they thought I was ok to be seen by IAPT instead. Still waiting for that appointment. My only worry about going back on sertraline is that could this harm the baby being in my 3rd trimester? I've read about it affecting babies breathing and that they might have the jitters from withdrawal? I really don't want to do anything to put my baby at risk but I'm so worried how I'm going to get through the next 6 weeks - the constant thought just won't go away from the minute I wake up 🙁

Please please remember this is your OCD and not your normal rational self thinking this.
OCD is tricking you into thinking this has happened, when the actual possibility is zero. CBT helped me and Dr. Swartz is fantastic help, check out his website online or his book on Amazon it's amazing for teaching yourself to deal with OCD
Sorry you're going through such a tough time, but remember it WILL pass

Not a lot of advice bar seeing your GP and talking to them about this.

Hopefully I can offer some reassurance.

No one can say the exact date you conceived,sometimes not even the mother.

The measurements aren't always accurate, they're mostly an educated guess .

I had a private scan when I was 8 weeks pregnant with DD and they put her due date as 13 of June for example.

When I had my NHS scan they put my due date at 6th of June,a whole week earlier.

They couldn't date from last period as I didn't have one that year.

DD was considered one week overdue when she was born, but funnily enough she was born 13th of june, the date the private scan said.

With the best will in the world, no matter how knowledgeable and experienced the technicians are or how advanced the tools are, dating pregnancies will never be a precise and exact science.

*That should say, Dr. Schwartz the Harvard doc who specializes in OCD

OP I was told sertraline is one of the well researched ADs in pregnancy, and is the safest one. As you are in the later stages of pregnancy I would guess the risk is reduced even further as the baby is formed and is now just gaining weight.

You could start on the lowest dose and see if that is enough to take the edge off until baby is born then increase it?

Please don't wait, phone your GP as soon as possible, it might be quicker than going through maternity services.

What you are feeling is your OCD. It isn't you, you're not going mad. I don't know if you've seen a Nightmare of Elm Street but I used to liken my OCD to Freddy Kreuger - the moment I stopped being scared and turned around to confront it, it vanished into thin air. I just wish I had done it sooner as it meant I was miserable for the first few months of my baby's life.

Good luck, let us know how you get on

Sounds very distressing for you if it helps, my dates are a week out and I KNOW when I ovulated because I actually had an ultrasound that detected it and I definitely haven't been with anyone else. I would see your GP though like PP said as I appreciate reassurance probably won't be enough to put your mind at ease.

Hi @squashie34 just wanted to echo all the great advice you've had here, best of luck to you- a scary step asking for the help but as you can see very much the right one.

Thank you so so much everyone. I'm going to call up and get a gp appointment tomorrow and discuss going back on the sertraljne x

Hope you get the help you need OP. It's definitely the OCD and not 'you' if that makes sense.
If it helps trying to rationalise the dates, I knew the exact dates because my son is an IVF baby yet at the scan they put me 7 days ahead. It was ridiculous because they wouldn't even change the notes when I told them I knew the exact dates!

Hey I had exactly the same intrusive thoughts years ago when pregnant. Convinced myself I had slept with someone in the toilet, when I was on a night out and drunk, and just couldn’t remember. It didn’t happen!!! But it tore me apart!

OCD is the doubting disease, it’s a fucking monster that tries to destroy you. Defo see your GP.

@DatingDickheads thank you so much for your post, I'm so sorry you went through these exact same thoughts as me- can I ask, how did it get better for you? Did you go to your GP for help or undertake some counselling, or did you just keep going and it disappeared when baby was born? I'd love to know there's some hope at the end of this to feel normal/excited about baby. It's 4am and the thoughts are back again after another horrible dream. I must have read this thread 4 times over and it's really helped me tell my brain it's just a thought, so thank you everyone ❤️

About the dates thing... it's not an exact science. It's just a guess. I knew both times EXACTLY when I conceived and both times I was given wildly differing dates at the scan. I know exactly when I conceived because I did IVF .

I'm on a different medication but had the same concerns about medication withdrawal after birth. I raised this with my psychiatrist with the perinatal team, they said they don't use the term withdrawal anymore. Some babies find being born a shock to the system (about 1in10) for the vast majority it can be managed at home and goes away on its own, if a mother has taken medication in her final weeks in can increase the risk a little but it could have happened with or without the medication. As they know I'm on medication we will be monitored after birth. If all is ok after 12-24h we can go home and if not they will keep an eye on us for 72 h, just to make sure she is adjusting properly and feeding and pooping ok.

I was nervous about staying on my medication through pregnancy and was prepared to stop it for the last few weeks if it was seriously going to affect my newborn staying calm and sane is important too.

I don't have ocd but am prone to intrusive thoughts, they are one of my worst symptoms and appropriate medication is really the only thing that makes a significant improvement in them. I hope it goes ok at the GP

Thanks so much ladies, I had a chat with the GP today who was really lovely and is starting me back on 50mg of sertraline.

My only worry is the side effects to baby such as withdrawals, the intrusive thoughts now tell me if I take them they're going to harm her 😰

I had that too, worried everything I did would harm DD in the womb. My brain would trick me into thinking I had inadvertently poisoned her all the time. It is the OCD talking again! Just kick it away like the annoying imp it is and take the meds. You will be fine ❤

That's great news, every time those thoughts come into your head tell yourself that you are doing the best thing for your baby by staying mentally healthy- the risks of severe AND/PND far outweigh anything from taking a very safe medication like sertraline. You trust your doctor right? Remind yourself they wouldn't prescribe something that would harm your baby. And soon those thoughts will disappear! You should be really proud of yourself, well done

Hi ladies, I know this thread is from a little while ago but I have been experiencing the same issues with ocd since I found out I was pregnant. I have suffered from OCD before and have always managed to overcome it without meds or therapy. I am currently 12 weeks pregnant and When I first found out I was pregnant I had no question of paternity however I had a night away with some friends the week before I conceived and a horrible thought popped in my head that I could have had sex while drunk and not remember it happening. There was a group of my girl friends and a few guys who I have known for years and never had any romantic involvement with, I have never had a one night stand and would never cheat on my boyfriend but I can’t shake this horrible thought. I remember parts of the night clearly but some are blurred because I was drunk I just can’t stop worrying that I had sex and can’t remember, I don’t even have a small memory of anything bad happening but can’t help feeling so scared. My period is very accurate and I definitely had sex with my boyfriend on the day that I ovulated which was one week later than the night out. I’ve explained my ocd with my boyfriend and he isn’t worried anything happened and is so amazing and understanding but I’m so tired of this thought going round in my head constantly. Some days are better than others but I feel it is stopping me from enjoying my first pregnancy, I constantly find myself reading through google for reassurance but it gets me no where. I just want to be able to enjoy this pregnancy and am genuinely considering a pre natal paternity test just so I can put my mind at rest. I know this is classed as a compulsion but I just don’t know what to do, I’m scared to speak to docs incase they don’t know what I’m talking about or think I’m just lying. Can anyone offer advise please?

@123pineapple I'm so I'm sorry you're feeling this way lovely- I'm the OP who made this thread and reading your post just takes me back to exactly how I felt, it was totally the same situation regarding the worries.

I'm now a mummy to a gorgeous 10 week old baby girl and the minute she was born, all the OCD thoughts about paternity disappeared (it helped that the universe decided to give me a helping hand and make my little girl look the spit of her daddy) but I'll be honest and say the OCD thoughts ruined my pregnancy. up until the point that they lifted my girl out and showed her to me during the Csection, I was convinced that she would be a different race (for no reason at all) and I'm so cross that I felt this way and let my thoughts ruin my first pregnancy and birth experience.

I will say that my OCD thoughts were, like yours, utterly baseless and stemmed from a dream I had that I could have cheated on a night out in a bar and then became fixated on it. I will tell you that these are totally intrusive thoughts and that your partner is the father 100% but if you're like me that will make you feel better reading it but then 24 hours later you'll be back to thinking, 'but what if'? It also got worse the further into the pregnancy I got, and it wasn't until around 34 weeks that I sought help and had some CBT sessions with a therapist.

Please don't make the mistake I did and let this ruin your pregnancy. Seek help now- the CBT helped so much to help me rationalise the thoughts. It didn't make them go away but I was able to place less truth on them. The greatest thing my therapist said to me was- 'if a thought begins with 'what if' then it's OCD'. It's a sign you love your partner because if you didn't, you wouldn't let it eat you up inside with this thought.

Sending hugs, OCD is awful 😕

@123pineapple I should also add that my therapist put me on sertraline which is totally safe to take in pregnancy and for breastfeeding which I think also took the edge off the thoughts x

Hey @squashie34! Thank you sooooo much for replying to me and congratulations on the birth of your baby girl. I’m so happy for you that you felt better once she was born and gives me faith that everything is going to be okay. (Praying my baby looks exactly like his or her dad too)

Thank you so much for the reassurance it really means a lot and makes me feel so much better speaking to someone who has went through the same thing. As much as people around me are understanding I know there must be a small part of them thinking I’m crazy lol. I will make an appointment with my GP to discuss the OCD, I have already mentioned it to my midwife but she said she hadn’t heard of pure O or any ocd other then the stereotypical cleaning etc so I didn’t want to go into details but she did say she would refer me to perinatal mental health but I haven’t heard anything back yet.

I am really glad to hear it’s safe to take medication during pregnancy because I didn’t think it was. When you sought medical help had anyone you told heard of this before? I’m scared to say it out loud to people incase they haven’t?

Thanks again for replying I Know you probably want your ocd and these forums to be a distant memory now you’re feeling better but I really appreciate you getting back to me x

@123pineapple not at all, if I can help one person who is going through the same as me I'd be so happy because it honestly is rotten.

My midwife did understand ocd but not really the kind that I had when I mentioned my only intrusive thoughts were regarding paternity (my anxiety was telling me that she probably thinks I'm just someone who sleeps around and am using this an excuse which I now know is an intrusive though in itself!) but she referred me to the IAPT team and when I had my telephone appointment with the therapist she totally got my intrusive thought and even that made me feel so much better that I wasn't going mad.

So glad you're going to see the GP- I was worried too abojt the medication but as my GP said the risk is minute for baby especially after 12 weeks and the risk of postnatal depression if yoj don't do something about it now would be much more riskier.

Please let me know how you get on at the GP 😘 good luck!