OCD and Intrusive paternity thoughts- please help :(

[squashie34]

Just looking for some advice and a handhold please.

I am previous sufferer of anxiety and some ocd traits which I was on setraline for but I stopped taking as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant and up until the 12 week scan I was blissfully happy that myself and my partner had conceived, even though we hadn’t been actively trying (I used the basal thermometer as a loose contraception but that month it had me down as ovulating on day 11 rather than 14 so said they were a few green days when it wasn’t meant to be) Anyway, at the 12 week scan they put me forward 5 days from this date and gave me a new due date- even though I said I knew the day I ovulated.
This then threw me into a complete spiral about how the dates could be so different and then the thoughts started: that the baby is not his and that I must have been with someone else on my birthday night out the weekend they now said I had conceived when I was drunk and I just don’t remember. I should add I remember most parts of this night, we only went to one place and we're home by 11:30- my best friend drove us home and stayed at mine the night, so unless I had sex with someone in the toilet that was a complete stranger and had never seen before that was the the only time it could have happened. I am really not that type of person and have never had a one night stand. I love my partner so much - so I sort of then just brushed it off as a silly intrusive thought, thinking I’d remember if that was the case .
However as my pregnancy has gone on and on this irrational fear is just getting worse, and now it’s taken over my life- so much so every day it will say to me ‘but what if it is true and you just don’t remember?’ 'Are you sure there isn't half an hour of the night you can't remember?' My brain is convinced the baby will be born a different race and I’ve not been able to enjoy my pregnancy- at every single single scan I analyse her face on the 2D scanner and think she has ethnic features such as big lips and looks nothing like my partner, I look at her femur measurements which are showing big and think because me and my partner are short it can’t be his as she looks like she will have long legs.

I’m convinced she will be born and it will break my partners heart and everyone will think I'm a liar and the worst person ever- I’ll be left as a single parent and I’m really struggling to cope now because I'm dreading the birth.

Does anyone please have any advice?

Hello, just wanted to offer up some advice, as I suffered terribly from intrusive thoughts pre and postnatally, all sorts of weird obsessions about not really having had a baby etc.
Could you ask your GP or midwife for a referral to your perinatal mental health team? They should be very familiar with maternal OCD and the ways it manifests. I had never heard of it before I had it, and thought I’d gone mad! But the perinatal team were so great and really knew their onions. I also had cbt which really helped the thoughts.
Try and seek help now, it will make things much easier on you further down the line- you should be a priority because you’re pregnant. Good luck xxx

Hey, I have already mentioned to my midwife about this and she has said she would refer me to perinatal mental health team but she did say it would be a good decision to go to GP also as it could be quicker. I kept putting off booking a docs appointment because I was getting so scared of explaining it and if I had a day I felt okay I just told myself I don’t need to go but this has been constant for weeks now so I’m definitely going to take the advice you ladies have given and go to my GP.

Post natal depression is also something I’ve been worried about and also that the OCD will jump onto something else so I’m glad to hear getting help now should minimise that risk and know now that I really do just need to deal with it.

I do just want to get this sorted so I can enjoy the pregnancy. The rational part of my mind can’t believe it’s got so bad I’m posting on forums but OCD literally feels so real and the ‘what if’ is terrifying!

Again I really appreciate the help you have given I feel so much better just actually speaking to people who have been through the same thing it’s like a weight off my shoulders and it means a lot for you to take time and reply to me. Most articles I read were from years ago so I was glad to find one kind of recent that I could respond to. I have my first scan tomorrow so I’ll talk to my midwife again then as my first consultation was just over the phone. I will keep you updated on how I get on with docs/midwife. Thanks again for taking the time I’m sure you are very busy with your little ones 🥰xx

I really really feel for those experiencing this as I completely understand.

Although I've never slept with anyone but my husband since we have been together, and the dates did actually match with ovulation etc etc, I became utterly preoccupied with the idea that I'd cheated on him while blind drunk on a work night out a whole FIVE WEEKS before I could possibly have conceived, and I also had a period in between at the normal time.

Clearly by all the dates, size of fetus, length of pregnancy etc this was utterly impossible (it would have been the world's first 47 week pregnancy I suppose) but I found a pseudoscientific explanation that I won't go into now that to me at the time seemed possible. Again I'd probably have been the first woman in the history of the world this had happened to, but it didn't stop it being a real worry for me and I'm normally fairly rational.

I worried about it on and off through the pregnancy, distracted by the fact that concerns picked up with the baby but it returned a couple of weeks after giving birth and I posted on here about it. Even though everyone said she looked my husband, I felt convinced she looked like one of the colleagues attending the work night out (where like the OP, I could only have had sex in a toilet or something if that's what had happened and of course it didn't) to the point where I was considering a DNA test and wondering how to ask the poor unsuspecting man, who would have been dumbfounded! When not worried about this I was worried she was mixed up at birth even though she'd not been out of my sight at all at the hospital, and was worried someone would come and take her away and give me some other baby instead.

Reading this back it's quite scary as I can't imagine how I felt that way but I did. DD is 2 now and amazing and looks just like her dad and obviously I know there's no way at all she could be anyone else's. I'm pregnant with DC2 now and keeping aware of any intrusive thoughts so I can get help if I need it, but thankfully this time round I've felt quite normal and no real worries other than the usual!

Good luck everybody, it's apparently quite a common intrusive worry

It really is scary how an irrational thought can totally take over and yet so real. It’s also such an important time and OCD loves praying on the vulnerable 😞

Again it’s great to hear a success story of someone who has overcome this. Can I ask how you overcame your thoughts eventually? And how long did they last once your baby was born?
TIA x

Hey ladies, I just wondered if anyone could offer advice again.

I finally spoke to my GP regarding the paternity ocd issues. I was so nervous and literally had palpitations before the call. Anyway when I spoke to her and explained everything she said that it doesn’t sound like OCD because it is just an obsession over one specific thing, she said I should try and accept maybe it’s not my partners baby and that I just need to stop worrying and try ‘give myself a break’ I told her I had sex with my partner when I ovulated as I track on Flo app and she said that apps are not accurate so I could actually have ovulated at any time, which has not helped at all. She also told me I shouldn’t write on forums and should speak to my family or loved ones any time I feel low instead. She has referred me to perinatal mental health department but said it can take 4 weeks to hear back.

I’ve now went into a total meltdown about this and I don’t know if I can go another 4 weeks. I told her I have anxiety from the morning till night but she said I don’t sound enough of a risk to need medication 😩

Oh no! You’re gp is an idiot! Obsession over one thing is totally classic maternal ocd, especially something like this. I had no ‘compulsions’, mine was all intrusive thoughts.
It’s sounds like you could really do with some CBT. There is also a really good charity called maternal OCD, have a look at their website- they have lots of advice, and it’s really clear.
It sounds like you’re really upset about these thoughts, and you should be taken seriously. Telling you the baby might be someone else’s is the opposite of what she should be doing but sadly OCD is misunderstood.
You poor thing. It will be ok. The perinatal team should help you out. Have you considered medication? It might help with the obsessional nature of your thoughts.

There’s lots of women on here who have had similar obsessional thoughts- sure, forums might not be the best place for lots of things, but there’s solidarity here, and understanding x

Hey thanks for your response. I know she really was not helpful at all and clearly doesn’t understand OCD, but now I’m really struggling to battle with my thoughts because a medical professional has told me it’s not OCD so I feel like they are actually real and true.

I mentioned sertraline because that’s what the ladies on here said worked and she said that she doesn’t think I’m enough of a risk to give me medication even although I explained the extent of my anxiety. I’ll have a look at maternal ocd page and see if I can get anything from that. She has referred me to perinatal mental health but in the meantime my thoughts are now 100% worse than before! Also called my midwife after the docs cos I was having a breakdown and she said there’s nothing she can do because the referral won’t be through yet. The support is terrible 😞 coming on here is what has helped me the most

Ah gosh I’m so sorry. It’s really hard when the support isn’t there.
A couple of things to try- have you heard of a technique called diffusion? You basically go like this in your head (using your example)

• My boyfriend isn’t the dad of this baby
• I think my boyfriend isn’t the dad
• I’m having the thought that my boyfriend isn’t the dad
• I notice I’m having the thought that my boyfriend isn’t the dad

So, everytime you have the thought, if you go through those sentences, it helps you realise that it’s just a thought, not a fact. It really helped me when I was having thoughts like ‘my baby isn’t mine’. It kind of makes you realise your mind is playing tricks.

Sending lots of love. Try maternal ocd website, they’re experts so should have info. And hopefully when your perinatal referral comes through they will have a lot more knowledge and be able to help. In the meantime, try and do basic things to keep calm- exercise, sleep- easier said than done I know but can really help.
Sending lots of love x

First of all I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm also sorry at how you've been dealt with by GP. Not on at all.

I had/have perinatal OCD and everything you have described IS that. I'm not a professional but I have educated myself so much on this illness so spotting it in someone else comes easily to me now.

My first bit of advice would be to find someone in the field who knows what they're talking about. If you can pay to go private, search online for an OCD therapist. They will be experienced in using ERP (exposure response prevention) which has helped me no end. You expose yourself to the thought/s daily and it takes away the fear and anxiety that comes with it. Takes a lot of practice but works. If you can't go private then self refer on IAPT. I had 8 weeks of online CBT due to the pandemic and was placed with someone who knew OCD and what tools I needed to put in place to get better. She gave me homework every week and sent me brilliant things to read. This really helped me.

Also regarding medication - if you are struggling day to day, can't get these thoughts of your mind and generally feel on edge then I would suggest starting antidepressants. Again, I'm no doctor but sertraline saved me. The intrusive thoughts I was experiencing ended up causing me to become extremely depressed. I needed them to pull me out of the big black hole I felt stuck in. And they did. But I am a huge advocate for working on yourself WHILST taking them. Not just taking a tablet every day and not doing anything else. Because that's not going to stop thoughts coming in and out. It's only going to help your mood.

In the meantime -

Guided meditations - GAMECHANGER. Try and listen to one every morning or night alone. Sarah Blondin is incredible and teaches us how to show ourselves kindness and self compassion. YouTube - type in guided meditation for intrusive thoughts.
Instagram - Windsor Flynn, Catherine Benfield, Kim French.
Podcasts - A penny for your intrusive thoughts, The OCD stories.
Facebook - Private group called The OCD parents project. Really helpful group with regular people experiencing the same symptoms as you. It's closed so only they can see what you share.

Hope this all helps. You will be ok I promise. I never thought I would overcome OCD but nowadays I'm 90% better and feel great. X

Thanks ladies, all the advice and support really does help. I have now booked in with a councillor and have my first session on Monday, just praying this helps! She specialises in ocd so hopefully she will know a bit about this and the referral for my docs has also went through too.

I will definitely look at at of the sources you have provided as i am desperate to shake this before the baby is born. I just don’t want to still be going through this after pregnancy. It’s great to hear people who have been through it and have managed to overcome it, it’s so frustrating knowing what is wrong but not being able to get rid of the thoughts!

Again thanks so much for the advice x