Everything is hopeless

[Wingsofadragonfly85]

What do you do when you realise that you have failed at everything and there’s no hope left? When there’s no joy or happiness in anything? Where everywhere you look it’s dark?
I’m hoping to catch covid 19 and die. I can’t do it myself, I feel too bad about the children, but my god I wish there was an off switch.
I have no friends. A miserable marriage. No job. I’m ugly. My son is autistic and I don’t know why people say they wouldn’t change this if they could, I absolutely would change him. And a chronic condition of my own.
I’m sure to the outsider my life looks pretty ok but living it is hell.

I'm really sorry that you are feeling so wretched.

You haven't failed at everything because life isn't as black and white as failure and success. Its always a mix of both. It also sounds like you are living in very difficult circumstances which would challenge anyone.

If your questions in your op aren't simply hypothetical: then you try and change the things that ARE possible to change (your marriage?) and work with, and get support, with the things you can't (your son's autism).

I know it's easy to write here and things are bleak for you ATM but there's always hope op. Please reach out to your GP, a family member, or an autism support group or similar and if you have already done so, and got no help, please ask again and be insistent. You shouldn't have to keep asking mind you, but please try again. Hang in there.

Hi wingsofadragonfly
I totally get where your coming from and I'm not going to tell you your life is amazing cause believe you me I know that life is no fairytale and for the most part it can seem shit. Firstly regarding suicide or death yes it seems like some sort of solution however having lived with the consequences of suicide I can tell you it's the most painful inheritance you can leave. Unfortunately the pain doesnt die with you it transfers to those around you so it becomes their darkness to carry.

Secondly you've named out everything that is crap about your life it can seem so overwhelming when you look at everything as a whole! I'm not going to give you solutions because when you feel at the bottom the only thing you will have the energy to do is survive right now. So let's imagine right now your legs are broken and you cant move...you wouldnt continue trying to walk on broken legs would you? No you wouldnt you'd call for professional help you would lie there and let those who know what they're doing help you and this is no different...theres no point trying to fix everything around you when your mind is in this dark place...you need to reach out and call for help and talk to a counsellor...you need to feel listened to. You need to be heard.

Thirdly, imagine that you had read your post but it was written by someone else? How would you respond to that person would you berate them? Critisize them and reinforce how they're feeling? Or would you treat them with kindness and compassion? How about treating yourself with a little bit of compassion? Ypu reached out for a reason you want to be heard you are running on empty but right now you need to take one baby step and that means calling a counsellor or if you feel you have the strength right now call your doctor.

The fact that your getting through today is an achievement when everything around you seems helpless. You may feel alone but I promise you so many people can relate to how your feeling

How are you this morning Wings?

Thanks for asking after me.
I’m the same. I’ve had a bad fall out with one of my closest friends, it’s not like me to fall out. It’s my fault. Things were just on top of me and I said something I shouldn’t. So add that onto my list of stuff I’ve wrecked.
I was up a lot of the night mentally writing letters to leave. It helped a bit. It’s not a way out I want to take but I know it’s there if I need it.
Everyone has their own things going on, but people just seem to manage better than I do. I look at my friends and their happy families and successful careers and I’m in awe. How do people do it? I think I feel a sense of leaving everything too late, I’m too old now to make anything of my life. It feels as though I’ve just got to wait for it to be over now.

I’ve also started sorting through my stuff.
I figure best case is i’ll have a tidy house and worst case is it will save other people doing it at some point.
I think I’m done.

Please seek help immediately. Please see your GP or tell someone you trust how you are feeling.

As a suicide widow I can only beg you please please seek help.

Your life might seem awful now but it doesn't have to be always this way. It will change and it can improve.

I have a way that will appear accidental - although then I cannot leave notes.
I’m not doing anything right now. I just know it’s an option. It sounds like a self pity thing but it’s just accurate to say that everyone would be a great deal better off if I wasn’t here.

Hello OP, we're so sorry to hear you are feeling so hopeless - it sounds like things are particularly difficult at the moment.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

Wishing you all the best OP and hope you can access the support you need and that tomorrow is a better day.

Op I'm really sorry I didn't respond this morning. I was embroiled with some work I had to do for my dh (his office has moved in to our dining room).

I don't think you are self pitying at all. And I'm glad to hear you are not thinking of doing anything immediately. Please reach out to your friend and tell her you made a mistake and that you need help because you are in a really bad way. If not your friend, then someone else such as a medical professional or the Samaritans.

Please believe me that, although you can't see it now, it really is NOT accurate to say everyone would be a great deal better off if you weren't around. I had a close family member who killed themselves and we didn't feel better off at all, we felt devastated, and the pain of his loss still affects us all badly, thirty years on.

Please get some support for yourself op. Everyone needs help in life once in a while. And you deserve it. Your children deserve it too.

Everyone has their own things going on, but people just seem to manage better than I do. I look at my friends and their happy families and successful careers and I’m in awe

Meant to add op, that people have a tendency to only show you the good bits and they edit out the bad. And yes, people have problems, some of which they will cope with, and some of which will flatten them. And there's no shame in the latter.
Sometimes the very bravest thing to do is to ask for help.

I have apologised to my friend unreservedly but she doesn’t want to know. We have been very close for a long time but she has said before that she is able to just disconnect and cut people out. That is what will happen here. She just messaged to say I wasn’t welcome to drop a gift round for her daughter for her birthday. I wasn’t actually planning on knocking the door, I was just going to leave it by the door. However I won’t because I don’t want to cause any possible upset and it’ll likely go in the bin. Anyway, it’s my fault. I haven’t been a good friend, I’ve been too focused on my own stuff and haven’t asked after her enough over lockdown. I asked if she wanted a socially distanced walk and she said - I’ve got plans already the first sunny evening and I just snapped and said ‘sorry, i’ll leave you alone.’
And it’s gone from there.
She was a good friend as well. I think I’m probably just really hard work for no reward.
Basically I’ve no one, and that’s ok. It’s better in some ways.

Hi again op. Please don't take to heart what your friend said (which was very harsh about the birthday present) or make any serious decisions during lockdown. This is such a strange and difficult time for everyone and your friend could have a lot going on in her own life that is making her behave this way.

Also, you say that you haven't be there for your friend enough, but has she been there for you? You are living with a chronic health condition, and you have a son with special needs, you cannot reasonably be expected to be there all the time for others in those circumstances. I hope your friend is understanding of that.

Obviously, I don't know your situation, and I don't want to intrude or patronise, but is there any way you could change one thing about your circumstances that would make you feel happier, or give you some sort of goal or staging post? Could you take one tiny step towards the first part of one objective? Could you embark on some training with an aim to ultimately getting a job? Could you ask for more support with your son? Or could you make a decision about your marriage, such as going to counselling or if things are too far gone already, investigating your potential financial situation in the evening divorce, with the help of a solicitor?

I hope you get a reasonable night's sleep tonight

In the event of! (not evening of!)