Struggling after a mental health diagnosis

[seaandsand1]

I’ve read lots of posts on here, but never posted myself.

I’ve very recently been diagnosed with PTSD and a dissociative disorder, alongside insecure attachment. I can’t say I didn’t kind of expect this, as I have been having therapy whilst waiting for my psychiatry appointments.

However, it has totally knocked me back. I was doing well whilst in lockdown, mostly due to less pressure from work and more time to process things that happened a long time ago. I’m so worried that things may go back to how they were a few months ago, which after coming so far is scary.

My questions are, how did you feel after diagnosis - even if you have a totally different diagnosis? How did you handle it? Did it make a positive impact at all? Did you tell anyone and if so did it help?

I have bipolar and schizophrenia, both of which are biological illnesses but unfortunately attract abusive people owing to my vulnerability so I have experienced extreme trauma and have mild disassociated tendentices meaning I black out when something traumatic happens.

Being honest it hit me hard when I was diagnosed I kept thinking mixed thoughts between how on earth am I meant to cope with being this damaged and alternating to there's nothing wrong with me I'm just different I'm not broken and I'm not taking meds which will change me.

I didn't tell anyone and it took me two years of high level psychiatric input and therapy to help me come to terms with it.

I am now ten years on and I have been stable for 5 years I have episodes but they are controlled mostly with meds but also techniques such as mindfulness and meditation.

Now I tell everyone I have bipolar, so they understand why I seem different but only my children and mum knows I have schizophrenia as well as there is so much fear and stigma about that. My mum knows as she needs to know in order to help me and my dc know as I feel it's important to talk about why I'm different so they understand and don't feel frightened I also think it's good for them to learn acceptance and empathy for those who are different and also as my dc all have their own sn it helps them feel less alone.

Thanks you for that detailed response. It really resonates with me. I too don’t want any stigma or judgements made without people properly knowing me!

You sound like you have found a great routine that works for you.

It is interesting that it took two years of therapy and psychiatric input - as I am a few months in and was starting to feel like a failure, as I wasn’t “better” yet.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I got my diagnosis in quite a gradual way. I had had reoccurring depression since I was 16 then around 21 I started to have periods of high moods too. I knew bipolar was one of the options on the table. When I was 25 my mood was all over the place and the team I was referred took the approach of "let's get your symptoms under control and then we will figure out a diagnosis". I understood that the two most likely options were bipolar or bpd. Within a few months bipolar looked more likely so I was diagnosed with "probable bipolar". It stayed that way for 3 years when the probably was dropped. I was fairly comfortable with the diagnosis by this point and it does adequately describe what I experienced and the treatment I received has removed the majority of my symptoms.

I think you are right, in the fact that it helps if you feel the diagnosis paints an accurate picture of your symptoms - which mine does.

It’s so positive to hear that the right treatment has helped. That gives me hope!

I didn’t handle it very well, I kind of knew it was coming, but thinking something and being told it and given a diagnoses are completely different in my head. Also diagnosed with bipolar. Ended up a couple of months down the line being hospitalised as I wasn’t particularly med compliant and had another bad episode. On new meds now and it’s been almost a year without any major blips

I’ve now excepted it for what it is, although I do sometimes have my moments when I feel fine I think “maybe this has been blown out of proportion. I don’t need medication. There’s nothing wrong” I think that can be normal though

Not many people know. Really just my partner, a couple of family members and one or two friends. Since lockdown I’ve mainly sought support online, mainly fb groups. I think everyone’s different though. Just whatever you feel comfortable with

I absolutely get that. It’s weird how even though I kind of knew - it still came as such a shock. I still feel a bit like if I could be stronger then I wouldn’t need a diagnosis.

I’m sorry you ended up in hospital - that must be so difficult. I’m glad it has been better over the last year.

I felt relieved to finally have a diagnosis of complex ptsd. I am now having to fight as I got my diagnosis by a psychiatrist as part of a legal case and now I'm being assessed by the local community team who are saying it's not "diagnostic". It's really hard trying to deal with the trauma and process it whilst carrying on with "normal" life. I read a book called "the body keeps the score" by Bessel Van der Kalk which really helped me make sense of it all. You are not "mad" or"broken". Your body and mind are responding completely normally to an abnormal situation. I really recommend the book. It really helps explain what happens and why. There are so many things that I thought were just me but are a result of what I've been through. Good luck OP

@toothfairy73

That book sounds really helpful - I’ll take a look, thank you.

I have to say I do feel a bit relieved, as it explains things, to me at least.

I also had problems with the local community team at the beginning of this journey. The first person I saw said that I was probably ok because I was showered and looked respectable and seemed “fine”. The fact at that point I was having suicidal thoughts and could barely get through the next hour didn’t seem to worry him. Yes I could put on a face, and not rock in a corner when in public, so I was ok. I told him that I was struggling to eat properly and his advice was “well you have to eat or you will feel worse”!!! His only option was to go to a group session learning about how the brain works in about five months time.

I think back to that, and now I have a psychiatrist telling me that my next step in an assessment with a psychologist to find the best type of therapy, which could take lots of sessions to just get an assessment. I want to go back to that man and tell me what he put me through! He made me think I was going mad!!

I am lucky that I have people around me helping me to fight, because it feels like you have to really push for yourself with MH conditions, when it’s probably one of the toughest times in a persons life to do that.

I hope you find more luck with your local community team soon.

Can I recommend PODS with Carolyn Springs OP.

Best of luck

@Friendsofmine

I’ve just taken a quick look and that website looks so useful. I’ll take a bette roll after work. Thank you.

You're welcome :)

If you ever get to see her speak (she is UK based) she is so encouraging and inspiring!

@seaandsand1 I've had to fight so hard to get to this point, I thought the fight was over! That's why I was so relieved. I will keep fighting I just feel like I have to prove myself all over again.

I've also just looked at that website. It looks fab.

@toothfairy73

I think that’s the hard bit - proving how hard you are finding things and then having people not believe you. Especially when it is so hard to share in the first place.

@seaandsand1 here is a website myself and other survivors set up to support others going through the criminal justice system. Here are some of the efforts I have made to get support warriorwoman.blog/2019/05/13/what-not-to-say-to-a-patient-who-discloses-a-history-of-childhood-sexual-abuse/

@toothfairy73

Your website is amazing. I particularly love the detailed explanation of the reporting process, it really spoke to me. I feel so many of the things mentioned prior to reporting. Thank you for making me feel less alone.

@seaandsand1 I'm so glad it has helped you. The reason we wanted to write the blog was during the process we all felt so alone. I was made to feel (at times) that I was overly anxious. When we all met up afterwards (we asked to be put in touch with each other) we discovered we had all felt the same. What were we're feeling was completely normal in an abnormal situation. We wrote the blog as there was nothing about what it feels like to go through the process. I really hope it helps others to know they are not alone and it's not to late to get justice, if they what they choose to do xxx

@toothfairy73

It really has helped. I currently don’t feel ready to report, and as written in one of your blogs, I don’t know if I ever will be. But it is so reassuring to hear more about the process.

I’m glad you were able to meet as a group and get support from each other. The guilt of who else may have suffered is certainly big in my mind.

I didn't think I ever would report. I had been through enough. But I just got to the point where I had to try, every time I heard of a conviction I though should I? Could I? And I just got to a point where I thought why should he get away with it?

It's hard hearing about others. I was knocked sideways despite knowing (suspecting) there would be. But you have to remember you are not responsible for their behaviour. They are responsible for the abuse and only them. Nobody can tell you what to do. You have to be ready. It's the hardest thing I have ever done, but even at the hardest times I didn't ever regret reporting. I had to try. And what ever happened he hadn't silenced me. Feel free to DM me either here, via the website or our Facebook page, twitter or instagram if you want to talk more. I really recommend talking to Rape crisis and speaking to an ISVA, who can talk you through the process, and you can work out how you feel. There was no pressure, they just want to support you to do whatever is right for you. I also recommend the sexual violence helpline (details on the website). They are open every day of the year and are amazing. They just get it. Sending you lots of love

@seaandsand1 I forgot to tag you above. When we met up for the first time, we celebrated (and drank 6 bottles of cava!)

I had mixed feelings when I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder although I had a feeling it was coming. I felt partly relieved because for years I thought I was mad and imagining it so it was a relief to know I wasn't. I also felt scared and upset because I was kind of hoping it was a mild case of depression (I'm not in any way saying that depression isn't bad but that was my thinking at the time) because to me it felt that was easier to manage than Bipolar Disorder. However once I started anti psychotic medication and it kicked in I felt more stable than I had for a while (spent years trying different anti-depressant's which made me much worse). I also started therapy which was a big help and I learned how to manage the condition with a few hiccups along the way. It took me a while to accept it because I was dreading the relapses that come with it but I'm getting better at spotting the signs earlier.

I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD and I'm really struggling with it. I'm suffering with severe anxiety, bad bouts of insomnia, flashbacks, nightmares and physical symptoms. It's crippling me big time because I feel so drained of all my strength and energy and I honestly don't know how to deal with it. It also doesn't help that due to lockdown my therapy will be delayed as I was on the waiting list when it happened. I just have to keep my fingers crossed that this isn't going to be long term like my bp. Anyone got any suggestions on how to deal with this? I'm all ears or rather eyes any suggestions are appreciated.

@Lucifer666

Thank you for sharing your experience.

I too struggle with PTSD and living everyday life. It’s like the traumatic event is all my brain really wants to focus on, yet at the same time, I’m trying to never think about it again.

I started private therapy back in February and it has been really positive. Right now it is via Zoom, but hopefully not for too much longer. It took me a few months to decide the financial commitment was a necessity, as I couldn’t see myself being able to continue functioning without trying something new. I feel very fortunate that the second therapist I tried has been amazing. The NHS pathway man I saw told me I was fine, as I could get showered everyday! Which is possibly why my psychiatrist diagnosis came as a surprise.

Another thing that helps me, is watching YouTube videos on coping skills. Kati Morton is great, as is Therapy in a Nutshell, to name just two. They explain why you may be experiencing what you do and ways to help improve things.

@Lucifer666 it is exhausting when the flashbacks are coming hard and fast. Here are some things you can can do to help yourself at this time.

warriorwoman.blog/self-care/

I also recommend calling the sexual violence helpline (if this is the reason why) - can be found on the useful resources page.

warriorwoman.blog/useful-resources/

They are amazing and really get it. They are open every day. You can't always get through but when you do you get 40 minutes with someone who really understands.

Take good care of yourself xxx

www.amazon.co.uk/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

This book was recommended on this site a while back, very helpful.

@seaandsand1 and @toothfairy73 sorry for the late reply I've been off MN for a few days. Thank you for your suggestions I will definitely have a look it can't hurt right .

I can relate to both of what you're saying but I'm still in the early days of it. It took about seven months to diagnose because during that time I thought it was my bipolar symptoms being aggravated and I wasn't very honest with my psychiatrist because of what I initially thought. The flashbacks are hard but I'm slowly managing to win a few battles of distracting myself and trying to relax I normally listen to music and read (sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't as certain things trigger them off). My biggest struggle is the nightmares, the guilt, keeping my temper in check (I've had a very short fuse of late but that's slowly improving) and my memories and memory in general as I've become very forgetful of conversations I've had, appointments etc is almost as if my mind has gone blank is this something you've struggled with?

RE: my memories It's a bit hard to explain so I'll try not to ramble on too much. It feels almost as if something in my brain has unlocked and all my memories of things that were distressing/traumatising and I had long forgotten about are coming back to me in pieces and I'm trying to make sense of them all which for some I have others I'm still working on but it's also given me a different perspective of things that happened and has brought up some past anger I thought I had dealt with. Do you guys experience this and how did you deal with it?