DP's depression/anxiety making me miserable

[namechangingagain2020]

DP has quite severe depression and anxiety, he's getting CBT over the phone once a week but I don't think its enough.

90% of the time he is miserable and often ask what the point of life is and that he isn't happy. He has often told me that he has suicidal thoughts.
We live together and I have two DC from previous relationship. They are amazing children and people often tell me how thoughtful, polite and helpful they are, and are amazed at how well they talk to other adults. But DP has a go at the all the time. I can see in their faces how upset they are every time he picks up on something, like they can't do anything right. I feel it too, but if I stick up for them DP tells me I'm pushing him away and never back him up (I do all the time, even when I don't agree with him, which hurts and goes against all my maternal instincts).

But it's not just that. I cannot make him happy, none of us can and I just feel so helpless and feel like I'm just making him worse and wonder if he would be happier on his own. Sometimes we get the odd day here and there where he seems back to his old self but it never lasts. Every morning I hope with all my might that we will have a good day, sometimes it happens and its incredible.

I'm 12 weeks pregnant after having several MMC over the past few years. This is the furthest we've ever got with a pregnancy together and baby is doing really well so far. But I can't enjoy it or embrace it as DP won't enjoy it as he just thinks it will go wrong, or even that it will go right. I can't even talk about it.

If I try and bring any of this up, he tells me its 'all about you isn't it' so I have to keep my feelings to myself in fear of being branded selfish. Or that his feelings are worse than mine. But at the same time he tells me I never talk so I can't win.

I'm exhausted and have no one to talk to about this. I don't know how much longer I can cope with it and I just feel so upset for the DC. even asked my youngest how he would feel if we left DP, that they are my priority, and he said he'd be really upset and he doesn't want that to happen, so I know they love him.

I know its not DP's fault and he's trying to get help through CBT and he says he loves me, but I worry for our future especially as serious mental health issues run in his family. I don't know if I can manage it much longer and it seems to be getting worse, and it will inevitably do so once baby is here , and of course the pregnancy hormones are not helping right now.

Should I talk to my midwife? Go to my GP? I just don't know.

I think go to your GP. As an aside CBT isnt always a good choice for severe depression. Its behaviour focused and doesn't address the root cause of emotional problems. Perhaps it would be worth looking into a different type of therapy.

Thank you for your response @nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut He is having CBT for the anxiety I think, he's anxious about literally everything which he thinks is causing the depression. CBT is what he's been offered on NHS and I'm not sure if he gets much choice?

I don't know how to go about talking to my GP as, with lockdown, DP is always in the house so having a phone chat with GP will be tricky.
If he knows I'm struggling with it all, it will blow up even more. I have had to try to be happy and smiley around him but I'm exhausted from it.

Yes I had the same issue. What ultimately did it was the CBT therapist making a referral to secondary mental health services and a psychiatrist there referred me to psychology. The wait in my area was so long that I ended up paying privately to see someone but the NHS do offer other therapies, you just have to be referred to them. My first therapist didn't actually do much CBT with me as he said that he thought it was equivalent to a plaster when someone needed stitches. If his therapist is good, he or she will recognize when a patient would benefit more from a different practitioner.

Can you go for a walk or drive on your own and speak to the GP privately?

I think you need to put your children first, what about their mental health? I'm sorry he has depression but it shouldn't mean that you and your children have a crap life.

Is he on/has he tried anti depressants? I'm a therapist and I work with people with severe depression - medication alongside therapy is often the best route.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut yes actually I could do that, I could go for a walk, although DP is really twitchy about me catching Covid while I'm pregnant - another one of his many anxieties. But I'll just have to do that. I'll make an appointment now.

FWIW - I don't believe CBT is for everyone either. I've had it for when I was grieving the loss of our many babies, but it didn't work because I was obviously grieving and you can't fix that, but that is what the GP sent me to do so I took it.
DP seems to enjoy his sessions and is finding benefit, but it is short lived and it just isn't enough as far as I'm concerned.

@porger80 he won't take them. He's not against other people taking them but doesn't feel they're right for him. The GP offered and he said no.

I don't think you should underestimate the negative impact on your children and everything you do going forward should put them first.

All the best with your pregnancy.

Well according to some on here we must never ever give up on someone with depression or mh issues otherwise that makes us "fucking cunts". He's getting help- fantastic. He's taking it out on children - he's a selfish fucking cunt and mh is no excuses for treating a child like this, let alone a partner or friend.

You have a duty of care towards your children op. It's utterly unacceptable that children are suffering under his words.

You do need to tell him all this, stressing that it’s not an attack or confrontation it’s a discussion about how you both manage with his illness. Explain that it may not be “all about you” but actually it’s not all about him either! You are a family and the behaviour of one affects all.

So he needs to make some decisions about further treatment options as it seems what he’s getting now isn’t helping as much as he needs.

I suffer from anxiety and have suffered depression, but I’m very aware how that can impact Dh and ds. I would hate to think of Dh putting up and shutting up.

Your children are suffering because of this man. What about their mental health ? Is that not important? And what possessed you to think having a baby with him was a good idea?

But DP has a go at the all the time. I can see in their faces how upset they are every time he picks up on something, like they can't do anything right. I feel it too, but if I stick up for them DP tells me I'm pushing him away and never back him up (I do all the time, even when I don't agree with him, which hurts and goes against all my maternal instincts).

Read that again.
When your children are teens and adults how will you justify your behaviour to them?

Having mental health issues is not a free pass to treat people like shite, especially the poor children.
You need to put them first.
Medication would help him loads, I think 1 in 4 people take anti-depressants which would also help with anxiety. If he doesn't want to help himself then you should leave him and concentrate on bringing the children up in a happy household.

People with depression and anxiety can also behave badly towards other people. It's not a free pass.

Xposted with @AnxietyForever.

I agree with everyone else. I have severe depression and anxiety with a lot of suicidal thoughts (amongst a whole host of other stuff). I never behave like your DP is doing to my DS (or indeed to my husband). Your poor children. I do everything in my power to protect my family from my mental illness including taking medication because even if it only makes me 10% better, that's a start and better for my family. Look after yourself and your children.

But DP has a go at the all the time. I can see in their faces how upset they are every time he picks up on something, like they can't do anything right. I feel it too, but if I stick up for them DP tells me I'm pushing him away

He needs to move out. This is unacceptable. Bear in mind that continuing as you are is not good for your DP either. He needs more motivation to change and at the minute his appalling behaviour is being tolerated. Stop tolerating it, for your children's sake if not your own.

And what possessed you to think having a baby with him was a good idea?

I shouldn't have to explain myself but I will. We tried for 4 years and lost 4 babies. We decided we wouldn't try again as we couldn't face going through yet another traumatic loss. We were actively avoiding pregnancy. However. When I thought there may have been even the tiniest chance of conception I took the MAP. Thought nothing more of it as was unlikely to have fallen pregnant anyway and I was satisfied if covered all bases. But lo and behold I got a + test two weeks later and this one seems to be a real fighter. After all we've been through with losing babies, we couldn't face terminating 'just in case we had another MMC'
So you see, things aren't always black and white @LovingLola

I think the best thing to do having read the responses here, would be to bite the bullet and talk to him. Then we can work out what to do together.

And if he disagrees? And nothing changes? How long will you sacrifice your children’s well-being for him?

But DP has a go at the all the time. I can see in their faces how upset they are every time he picks up on something, like they can't do anything right.

Your poor children. He's abusing them, depression doesn't make you act like this. Stop putting him ahead of your children. how do you think it makes them feel every time they see their mother stand by and let this man abuse them like this? Do you love him more than you love them?

My ex suffered from depression, too, and I found it incredibly hard. He never treated the children like that, though; he used to be very withdrawn.

I couldn't allow my children to live with someone who made them feel so bad. They have to be the priority. Your partner is refusing to take medical advice. He's making the children feel awful. I would give him an ultimatum: unless he got medication then I would leave.

You need to put your children first OP.

He’s selfish refusing to take medications that could help him. His selfishness is making you all miserable.

And sorry but I agree with a pp that having a baby with this man is not the best idea just now. I’m sorry for your miscarriages but he wasn’t right before them either so why would a baby thrown into the mix improve things for you all?

I’m sure you are very loyal and want to help him but it does seem like he doesn’t want to help himself.

I had an ex like that. Bipolar but wouldn’t seek help. I was practically suicidal because I was so very unhappy. Nothing I did pleased him. He was angry, bitter and downright nasty to me. I felt sorry for him as he wasn’t well and tried to support him. Eventually my mental health was suffering and I was fed up crying every day because he was horrible to me. I gave him an ultimatum. The GP for meds or we are through. He stropped off in a mood, had a think, and agreed. It turned him around in a month. He was a different person.

You all deserve so much more than he is willing to give. I’d suggest a similar ultimatum but I don’t imagine you will want to leave when you are pregnant. Don’t expect him to change much until the chemical imbalance in his brain his sorted. Talking therapies are great but they can’t help that. So he will remain unchanged with you all as his whipping boys so he can take his frustration at life or whatever bothers him out on you. Sorry OP. You all deserve better.

So he has a go at your children and you back him up???