Partner has gone too far!

[aljone]

We have 2 children (1 and 4). Been together 5 years and they've not all been plain sailing.
She has a habit of causing arguments, focusing in on something or someone be it friends or family and not being able to focus in on what's important. In the eraly days it was my past and ex partners, even though there was no need. I've never strayed or given her need for concern. I know it's insecurity but over the years repeatedly would go to her parents during argemuments however small, bot would happily get involved.
Yesterday it went on to another level. She has called the police before, for no need whatsover. She's threatened to do it in the past again. Yesterday started with some complaint about her sister, then her friends and then to me. She has been a nightmare since lockdown but yesterday suddenly with her Mum and Dad behind her she was threatening to call an abuse line for women and the police. Then she called both my parents who up until now have sat on the sidelines and tried to appease her. When not greeted with the tone she wanted she turned on them as well.
I agreed to go out for the afternoon however when I returned she has locked me out. Wouldn't let me in. I stayed in my Dads which is not conveniant as he has no internet and I work from home. Apart from the fact Ilive 30 mins away now and he doesn't exactly live a normal lifestyle as he's a bit of a hoarder.
I love her and want back in the house yet I'm sure her parents are poisoning her against me. My Dad tried talking to her parents and my Mother my partner herself. My Dad was amazed how childish they where and arrogant. My Partner just hurled abuse and was absolutely awful to my Mother.
What do I do now? I know she isn't well and although diagnosed with anxiety and given numbers for counseling last time went. She has phoned none of them and when subscribed pills in the past doesn't take them.
I want us to be happy and I'm certain we can be.
How do I make her realise and can I get back into our home? Both of us are on the mortgage.

What was her complaint to the police?

That's exactly it, nothing. Just that she wanted me out of the house/trying to remove me.
All over the fact I got a text from my Mum and she was paranoid we have been speaking to each other?
The call to an abuse helpline baffled me as well as although we have argued (we never yesterday) plus I've never abused her in any way.

It sounds like you aren't listening to her. What was the reason for the phone call to the police?

We had just finished eating our dinner with the kids and as I say she's paranoid that I'm plotting with my parents because because of lockdown we speak on the phone alot as I can't see them. She saw a text wherby my Mother was complaing about her nextdoor neighbour and she hot the roof.
Within 5 minutes she had got to the point of calling the police.
I am listening to her, I just can't seem to reason with a person so manic and extreme.
I reiterate, I have never laid a finger nor have I ever caused her any abuse.
I listen through all of her daily woes be it work, family or friends. I'm really concerned for her. I seem to be the focus point of any frustration or anger.

Added to this my Parents have only ever been kind and polite to her.

MN has been infiltrated by abusive men before. Not accusing you but that might reflect tonight's silence

Abuse can work both ways, I'm sorry but I actually feel like I'm being abused at home. I know how volatile she can be. She's actually threatened to kife me and the kids are scared. We've notcied lately when she roars at the kids our eldest hids under the dining room table.

Women are equally capable of abuse.

I just don't get the reasoning for calling the polive or abuse line when I myself have never tried to hurt her physically or mentally.
I actually considered calling the police myself when I couldn't get into the house as she childishly locked me out.
The only reason I never was the kids and the embarassment of neighbours looking on. Plus I knew she would cause drama.
I went to my 70 yr old fathers which given the lockdown I shouldn't be doing.

It sounds like she has mental health problems, and if she won't take prescribed meds, it's not likely to improve any time soon. In your situation I would split up and try to get custody of the kids.

Don't stay. Unfortunately there seems to be no future in your relationship.

She doesn’t want to be with you and you can’t force her to be. Work out an amicable separation and file for joint custody. If you believe the children are in danger, you need to act accordingly.

What do I do about my living arrangement in lieue of Covid and the lockdown?
I can't move on somweher be it renting right now. My Dad's is by no means a suitable arrangement given I need to work from home at times.
I am jointly on our mortgage? She can't just decide I'm not living there anymore. I have rights especially given the lockdown to live in my home.
I do own another property with a long term tenant. Now that may be viable in the future but given Covid?

My head is really a mess and I'm torn in all directions.

Do the police ever come when she calls them? If they do then she must give them a reason, even if as you're saying that reason isn't true. It would help people to advise you if you explained what reason she gave the police when she called.

Once she rang years ago. Yes we argued. They came and she panicked. A male and female officer took one of us upstairs and down. I had our son as he wasn't well.
I had been trying to go out on a run to give us space but she was stopping me. The male who I was speaking to said to go on the run and was happy no further action was needed as my partner said I wasn't a threat. I wished they ticked her off for wasting their time but?
That time she just rang and hung up.

After this it's just been threats. Yesterday would have been to basically lie as she wanted me to leave. Her parents are telling her to call the police ect as further confirmed by my father who spoke to her parents. They're all bullies and I can't believe they're doing this to me.
I'm a good honest man, I love my kids and I'm actually very loving and gentle.

For one I don't want drama around my kids, the eldest is 4 and is aware now.

Is there anyway I can counteract her manic irrational behaviour?

You mention a complaint about her sister and her friends. What was this? Did she ring the police about them?

No, it was just general bitchiness tbh. A ridiculous remark made about some garden furniture (Yes that daft) and her friends coming around the other day when lockdown is on.
I find she fishes for problems. There's been countless number of things. Her boss, work in gerneral, falling out with friends and family.
Her sister and her tend to bicker like they're teenagers, they're in their mid thirties.
I should've saw it escalating as she had complained I was cleaning our ensuite wrong and then of course she saw a text that she said was about her when wasn't.

Irrational, volatile, aggressive, unreasonable. It's things I could label against her whole family.
I've fallen out with her family over the last 6 months as I've reached out for them to try and get her help. She went off with stress in January. She's never done anything with the advice given.

Could you reach out to her sister or friends as a mediator? Someone else who might be able to see that she's not been acting her normal self?

I can't quite get the full gist of this story, but if this really is everything then I can't see why you'd want to be in this relationship. You don't seem as if you even like her, let alone love her. I think you should call a solicitor for legal advice.

I'm curious why her parents are taking her side and encouraging her to call the police though. I wonder whether there's a bit more to it than you're admitting here? Why don't they like you? You say you're kind, gentle etc - has your relationship with them always been fractured?

I'm just trying to figure out what's going on as it all seems a bit strange.

If this really is the complete and full truth you're describing, then it's awful for you - I'd also be worried about leaving my kids under her care. Women are capable of abuse and sometimes kids are best with their dads - if this is the case here, you need a solicitor pronto.

Is there any kind of involvement with mental health services? If not then maybe contacting social services would be a good move as it can't be good for the children to be in a home with someone who sounds unstable.

As Nat said I would contact 101 and get some advice! As you said she cannot kick you out of the home and even if there was a heated argument and she rang the police they would ask you to leave for 24 hours at most!

I would also ring social services explaining all that you have here and just say you are really concerned for her mental health and the effect it is having on your children!

Its shit for you Op as you love her and want the relationship to continue but YOU need to start putting your children first, the shouting at your DC must be quite severe for them to hide under a table! That is scary and will have a lasting effect on their mental health..

If what you are saying is true, I think you should leave especially after her threatening to stab you. Personally I would take the children and leave. You also need to be careful as she is building a negative picture of you and you don't know how that may be used against you in the future. I think you should contact a solicitor too or Citizens Advice Bureau. Also ring/Google Shelter for some advice about your housing situation and what the situation would be if you needed to leave urgently with your kids. Tbh, she sounds very unstable and as if she has mental health issues which needs addressing. If I were you, I would get out and take the kids with me.