I am not in immediate danger as I know I have to stay as I am sole cared to my 3 dc with severe SN and I know no one else can actually step in if anything were to happen to me.
I have bipolar 1 and schizophrenia and tbh I am tired and exhausted and the thought of dying itself is comforting the thought that the voices in my head will finally shut up I won't have to feel all the guilt and shame.
I've had 4 relationships 3 were very abusive 2 included habitual rape (before my dc) the third attempted rape who is dc father, but I got the hell out of there the fourth had schizophrenia and ended up in prison but was a very good relationship.
I feel like I'm never going to find love as the only person I ever let in was my schizophrenic ex. I don't see anyone else ever being as patient and understanding enough to get near me with all the walls I've put up. But he understood me and was patient and I was patient too and although we had some things each did that triggered each other we quickly found ways to cope with our illness in a way that didn't trigger each other.
I just feel like when my dc are older I'm just going to go with peace and I guess I want people to be happy for me as my battle will be over and I'll be at peace, but people are going to be sad and I just want everyone to let me go as I will have done my job and suffered enough.
I would never dream of doing something while my dc are still young, but I just want to be at peace and have a end date of how long I must suffer.