I don't want to be here anymore

[Theodoreb]

I am not in immediate danger as I know I have to stay as I am sole cared to my 3 dc with severe SN and I know no one else can actually step in if anything were to happen to me.

I have bipolar 1 and schizophrenia and tbh I am tired and exhausted and the thought of dying itself is comforting the thought that the voices in my head will finally shut up I won't have to feel all the guilt and shame.

I've had 4 relationships 3 were very abusive 2 included habitual rape (before my dc) the third attempted rape who is dc father, but I got the hell out of there the fourth had schizophrenia and ended up in prison but was a very good relationship.

I feel like I'm never going to find love as the only person I ever let in was my schizophrenic ex. I don't see anyone else ever being as patient and understanding enough to get near me with all the walls I've put up. But he understood me and was patient and I was patient too and although we had some things each did that triggered each other we quickly found ways to cope with our illness in a way that didn't trigger each other.

I just feel like when my dc are older I'm just going to go with peace and I guess I want people to be happy for me as my battle will be over and I'll be at peace, but people are going to be sad and I just want everyone to let me go as I will have done my job and suffered enough.

I would never dream of doing something while my dc are still young, but I just want to be at peace and have a end date of how long I must suffer.

Hi Theodoreb,

We're so sorry to hear how rubbish you're feeling right now and how hard life is for you.

We hope you don't mind, but when any of our users feel this way we tend to post a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

If you'd like us to move this thread into the Mental Health topic we'll happily do that for you.

Here's hoping things look a lot brighter for you very soon

Thank you @FlissMumsnet I am receiving weekly calls from my psychiatrist and I am not in any immediate danger I have absolutely no intention of doing anything to hurt myself just feeling a little down but my psychiatrist has increased my meds and phoned me every Friday so I am getting real life help sorry if I shouldn't have posted this.

Hi Theodoreb,

Great to hear back from you so quickly - we're really pleased to hear you're getting regular real life support but that doesn't mean you can't post on MN.

We just like to drop in, say hello and offer some advice when any of our users are struggling.

Keep going and keep posting too..if it helps.

Op that sounds like a tough struggle, the symptoms of mental health issues are hard to live with, but focus on things here and now that you enjoy

If I may, what kind of disabilities do your dc have? Just wondering if some targeted relief/support could help buy some headspace for you?

Thanks both @Nagsnovalballs.

Dc 1 has adhd dc2 has autism and dc3 has suspected epilepsy.

Have you joined Facebook support groups for your children, or the boards here? One way to really help your mental health will be to implement specific adhd/Autism management techniques and routines for the dc. You are in a tough position with 3 sets of complex needs and even the most robust mental health in a parent would be under huge pressure. However, if you can manufacture a bit of management of the environment, it will create a bit of space for you to deal with your own mental health.