Self-harm during lockdown (potentially triggering)

[EoinMcLovesCakeJumper]

I have recently started cutting again, after not doing it for quite a few years. I think it's a response to the stress of the current situation, and because many of the things I used to do to ease the feeling that I needed to cut, are not possible at the moment. A lot of the bad coping strategies have been creeping back in, including overeating, but the return of self-harm has been a big backslide, and really worrying, and I'm not sure what to do. How are others coping with this?

Just to say, I'm not doing anything that could go badly wrong and I'm not in a place where I would try to take it further.

Hello. I am not sure what to advise, hopefully some more people will be along soon. I am doing the same. I try to stop myself but have given in a few times. I'm not proud of it, it's definitely a response to the current situation for me.

Honestly, the main thing that has stopped me SH at the moment is that I don't want to put any additional stress on the NHS either through needing immediate medical attention or an infection further down the line. Are you having any psychological support? I am still having regular therapy albeit via video and I'd struggle much more without that I think.

I'm taking sertraline, but talking therapy has never been helpful for me. I probably need something a little more dynamic than what I've tried so far - I get so very sick of having to start again on the story of my boring childhood and non-abusive parents. I understand that therapists need to know about background but they always seem to me to focus on the wrong things.

I do worry about infection after I've done it, although I do clean up with some antiseptic stuff. I'm just past the point where thinking about the NHS can stop me, though, to be honest.

I get that, totally (and also what you mean about childhood stuff etc; I saw one therapist who wanted me to spend months going through the details of my boring middle class childhood and seemed to be disappointed that it was so unremarkable). I'm sorry that you feel like you're having to do it right now. It's not a nice place to be in at all. Are there any ways you can distract yourself until the urge passes? Easier said than done I know. I like a nice hot bath and that usually helps. I also find that it becomes a bit of a habit for me and I default to it as an option. Once I start to break the habit a bit (even if it's just waiting 10 minutes), it gets a bit easier and the intrusive thoughts about it get a bit less. Look after yourself and stay safe

For some people drawing on yourself where you would cut can work. It sounds weird, but does work.. have a google. The Zentangle thing is very soothing.

Hi op x

How are you feeling today?
I have self harmed for nearly 20yrs on and off, but I've had periods of not doing it so I really believe it's possible to stop.

Do you actually wAnt to stop? Or is it a strategy that is working for you atm.

Is there anyone you could reach out to? The GPS are happy to see patients for this sort of thing and are actually quite quiet. I had to go to a&e for some stitches and I was in and out in less than 2.5hrs x

Hi OP,

I’m also experiencing an increase in self harm. I’m just trying to accept it as what I need to do at the moment - much the same as others may be turning to drinking or eating. It is a coping mechanism just the same as these, only because it’s less socially acceptable we tend to attach extra shame to it. I find personally that if I try to accept it, it lessens in frequency and severity - if I shame myself further (eg thoughts like ‘I’m going mad’ ‘this is an awful thing to do’ ‘I’m a terrible person for doing this’) then it gets worse. It’s very very hard to do in the moment though. I’m so sorry you are struggling. Is there anyone IRL you can talk to about this?

Hi everyone, I'm ok. I've been working on writing down what triggers the episodes and what feelings are at the fore when the urge comes on. I'm recognising a pattern, which is helpful, even if I'm not in a place where I can stop at the moment.

Do I want to stop? That's a good question. I probably don't, if I'm being honest. I have such a lack of other outlets and I'm struggling so much with the social isolation that I think making superficial cuts is perhaps stopping me from doing anything worse. I'm just focusing on damage limitation in the form of controlling what I do and making sure I clean and dress the wounds afterwards.

to everyone trying to get through this in the best way they can.

I found the HALT method (not allowing yourself to get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired) to be very effective. Don't be too hard on yourself, during stressful times it's natural to fall back onto coping mechanisms that have helped in the past.

Me too. I am so glad I found this thread and discovered I am not the only one.
To be fair, my resurgence in self harm is not totally lockdown related, it started a bit before, but in lockdown I lost all my healthy coping strategies and all the peace and quiet and time on my own to recharge,so self harm took over. I am not doing anything dangerous, but I (still) do a job where I have to wear short sleeves and the weather is warm and I am tired of lying about it.
I am trying to work out how to reduce the frequency and severity of what I am doing, but all the advice starts with talking to someone which I am absolutely not doing. I was referred for counselling via work for other reasons, but it was due to start just as coronavirus hit so had to be on the phone. It made me feel much worse and significantly increased my self-harming, so I am can't do anything like that again.
I feel like I stepped back about 20 years to when I was reliant on self-harm, but I can't remember how to stop.

happypotamus I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I know what you mean about not wanting to talk to anyone. My boss is vaguely aware that I have depression and anxiety, but there's no way I'm going to tell people at work about the extent of it. I don't want that image for myself. As for friends and family, there are a few who will understand that I could talk to, but just at the moment there's nothing they can do to help, so I don't want to put that worry on them.

I don't know what to advise you, but there are other things you can do that cause momentary discomfort that don't do any damage. I'm thinking of the old rubber band round the wrist trick, which has occasionally been helpful for me. I also sometimes pull out my arm hairs! I live alone so I can have these odd coping strategies - but in the end, you've got to do what you need to do to stay safe.

Thanks EoinMc
It is actually also my manager who is the only person who has any idea what is going on, but I don't feel it is ok to talk to her about it anymore for various reasons. Like you say, there is nothing she can do to help so it's not fair on her and there's not much point.
I am trying to wait 5 minutes rather than immediately give in to the urge and see if another 5 minutes feels possible and trying to reduce the severity back to things that look less suspicious. I don't think trying to stop completely is going to be possible right now.

I had a phone appointment with my GP today and managed to tell her what was going on. She has increased my sertraline dose and referred me to the local CMHT, so we'll see how that goes. I'm hopeful that the therapy aspect (CBT or CAT) is more helpful to me than the unfocused efforts I've had in the past.

I started again this afternoon...haven't for around 2 years. I live alone with my 2 boys, 4 and 5, and they have been getting worse and worse behaved (I don't blame them, boredom and frustration I totally get it), they've been saying vile things to me, "I dont want you to be my mummy anymore", "I will never love you again" usual kid talk that stings either way.
Their father lives in another city, and works in a hospital, we got back together last year and he hasn't yet moved back, not that he's been trying.
I've struggled with SH since I was 12, on and off. My partner is well aware of it to. He doesn't know I have today though, but knows I'm struggling as he's on his way here.
I want him to stay, I dont feel like he will though. He always tries to push me to keep going and all that but he fails to see that I dont just want his words, I need actual physical support.
I dont know, this today just all getting to me, glad I know it's not just me. X

That's really tough. Trying to do everything with no support, and kids who have no real concept of how much you do for them. It's understandable that you might have fallen back on some old behaviours. I hope you get things sorted with your partner

I’m sorry to hear how people here are struggling too - it’s something I’ve managed not to do so far but it’s been in my thoughts much more than it has been for years recently.

I think it’s understandable but doesn’t make it less frustrating or scary.

I also wanted to let people know that I work for a self harm support charity and you would be very welcome to contact us for support and we have just developed lots of self help resources as we are getting lots of contact from people who have started self harm again after a long time and/or don’t want to seek medical help for many reasons. We wanted to respond with something useful so if you think it might help you’re very welcome to check it out or contact us for direct support - everyone is valuable and important and worthy of support: www.selfinjurysupport.org.uk/

Yes! I started again just a bit before lockdown after 10 years but lockdown has 100% made it worse! I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with it. I'm also sorry I have no words of advice but I just wanted to say you're not alone.

Sorry to hear this. It is a very stressful time at the moment and if this is what’s given you some relief then no point in people telling you not to, so long as you are keeping your wounds clean. I hope things get better for you, hang on in there.

Sorry if this advice doesn't help, its not clear if you have kids or not but one thing I've noticed is that it tends to be night time when I'm triggered and get the urge to cut (I am over 4 years clean). If it's ongoing and not just a quick thought I let my son sleep in the bed with me, because I would never be able to do it with him sleeping next to me. I've also let him draw on me in marker (washable!) before, obviously it's just a game for him but it's distracting and tricks your mind a little bit.

In regards to how others are coping - I've had the urge to SH more recently that I have in the past few years, and I've definitely been food binging (suffered with ED for over 10 years now), and getting those depressing thoughts about my self esteem and wanting to make myself sick. I've done really well resisting but I'm not sure how long it will last. I am with you on the therapy. I've been having therapy/counselling since I was 6 (after a traumatic event), there's literally nothing more I can say to anyone because I don't know what the problem is. It's not like this big awful thing happened to me as an adult and I suddenly got depressed, I've always been like this, I do go through phases of being okay and then not again and I likely always will. I feel like they always want me to lead the sessions and I have nothing to say! It's not like on TV where they ask you questions to find out what's wrong is it?! I've often wished there was some kind of camera on me 24/7 so I could show them what it's been like when I actually breakdown - me going into their office on a normal day isn't the problem. I'm fine at that point. So yeah, no talking for me. I'll carry on on my sertraline. Here if you want to chat OP!

I don't have kids, no. I do know what my triggers are - it's linked to something specific happening rather than a particular time. To some extent I can avoid the triggers, but not always, and on those occasions I just have to follow the advice for minimising the damage and keeping the wounds clean.

I know exactly what you mean about therapy. I've had countless attempts which have all ended in frustration and despair because I wasn't able to say "Yes! This is the terrible, traumatic event from my childhood that is the root of all my problems!" There simply isn't one, it's just a culmination of lots of things and probably a certain amount of genetic predisposition. That's why I'm hoping that CBT might be better for me, as it's more focused on the present and trying to manage your negative thoughts in a less destructive way.

At least you can link it to certain triggers and hopefully try to limit your exposure! Far better than not knowing because that is stressful. I was told as a teen that as long as you aren't putting anyone else in harms way, if you really can't stop yourself doing it the next best thing is making sure you look after your wounds properly. Being told that by a professional definitely helped me feel less guilty about it.

I was offered CBT a few years ago and declined it because I'd just finished 9 months of counselling and thought I was ok. I really wish I'd taken the offer now.

Mine has always been a culmination of things, but one thing that I never dealt with was being sexually abused by my childhood best friends sister. It didn't occur to me until my teen years as I was 4 years old at the time (until I was 7), then when i was 12 my mum tried to end her life and it's been one thing after another. I always try to justify things in my head and hold everything in but it's clearly not helping me.
I've always been someone who helps other people deal with their problems instead of dealing with my own.

I'm sorry to go on and on, OP I know how you're feeling and as always (true to myself) I am here if you need a chat.

I have a phone consult with my doctor tomorrow and I'm currently at my dads as i told my partner I'd been thinking of ending things (you know what i mean) so everyone is watching me. I wish I could tell them about the SH but the words wont come out. XxX

Hi there,

We wanted to share Mind's information with you all - it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help. Please take a look and see if there’s anything which might be helpful right now: Helping yourself now.

Please do think about exploring some of the options in the link above. Samaritans are there for you too, 24/7, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide here.

Please also be aware that we have to remove any posts which aren't in line with the strict guidelines we must follow.

Sending good wishes.

Where is it you’re cutting op? It’s good that you’ve told your gp what’s happening so it’s logged that you’re seeking support. A close relative of mine was hospitalised due to covid, she had to expose her arms for the iv etc and they were covered in cuts, they’ve had to report it and she’s expecting an ss visit