Lowest point of my life

[Username164]

I don't want to be dramatic but I am in some kind of living torment at the moment.

I am literally in hell, a really really dark place.

Its 4.50 am and I have not slept.
I am meant to work at 9am.
I am thinking about suicide a lot.
I worked out how to do it today which scares me.
I have never felt like this before.
Shall I just go to A&E? I don't want to be alone anymore. I'm so sad and I can't just do it. I just don't want to be alone.

Hi, sorry you're feeling like this. Have any particular circumstances caused this?

I can't sleep either if you want to chat for a bit.

I think if you're feeling suicidal then A&E would be a good idea. They are there for every kind of emergency. Mental health included.

I have just checked and the number for the Samaritans is 116 123 if you wanted to speak with someone on the phone.

I am going to go to A&E. Thank you.

I had that, almost 10 years ago now. Anti-depressants and CBT saved my life & I wish I’d had the sense to ask for help sooner. You’re doing the right thing

I hope you're feeling better soon OP.

Do you sometimes feel better later in the day? Don't forget for many people first thing in the is overwhelming but if you break your day into sections you can get through it. Get help though wherever you can.

You're doing the right thing OP - it's a health crisis so use the health service. You sound so low. I have felt close to that myself, frighteningly close, the last week. Telling people how you feel is the best solution I can offer. You'll be amazed how kind some people can be. We are social animals not designed to be alone - think of why solitary confinement was used as a particularly harsh punishment. You're reaction is that if a healthy human, it doesn't make you weak or stupid, just human. I so hope you get the support you need and deserve.

(I have bought a weighted blanket in case that helps, and I have hugged trees in my loneliness as that does help. As does hugging any animal you can get your hands on!)

I have not gone yet. I am trying to delete things off my computer in case my boss finds out I am basically insane. I have fucking lost it. Do you know what this does to people. I am paranoid about the birds tweeting, and the smell, all I can smell is one thing and its not here, or it is I just don't know but it's driving me mad.

I'm not mad or scary, I do actually have a normal life, but I literally am not doing it. I don't know how to get there, I might have to walk, but I am going to take a blanket and a sleeping tablet anyway in case its too far, I can just sleep somewhere.

Its getting too hard to delete stuff. The computer is frozen like my brain

Do go to A&E, username, please. You are having a crisis; at another time you could access mental health services but at the moment, that is so difficult. There will be someone at A&E who can help you.

Thank you for being brave enough to come on here and tell us, so many are unaware of the severity of mental health problems and far too wrapped up in their own 'fedupness', but there is no comparison.

(There are things we at home can do to help people in all sorts of difficulties if only from behind our computers, especially on a local level. Every little helps.)

Thank you, you are very kind. I feel strangely better. What the fuck was that?

I still can't delete these files. I want to cry. I don't know what I am looking at. I can't explain how upsetting it is. There is about 30 of them and its making me really sad.

How about that, I couldn't even leave the house to get mental health help .

I will try again. I just need to rest for five minutes.

I've left the flat. Not really sure where to go. It feel like walking away from my life. It's quite shameful.

Hope you are ok OP. What are you looking at on your computer that you are trying to Delete?

Can you get to the hospital on foot?

If not, then you can phone 111 and they might be able to send an ambulance for you.

Just half finished pieces of work. I couldn't finish anything last week. I kept starting new documents.

I am waiting for a bus. Not sure when its coming.

Your life is far, far more important than a bunch of files. Try to get to the hospital. A and E is open- you will be seen.

Do you have any family OP?

I'm on the bus now and it takes half an hour to the hospital. Thank you for listening.

You’re doing the right thing.

I don't really know what to say at A&E. What if they tell me to leave?

They will be glad you came in rather than feeling bad at home

You could show them this thread?

That's it @HMSSophie that's why I got so low, because I didn't have any connection to my friends and family.

Tell them what you’ve told us. They should get you seen by the crisis team.

You are being very brave OP. I hope you get some help.