No way out

[LittleLeaps]

I want to end my life, I am so tired of being miserable. I have suffered with depression since childhood - so please don't tell me it gets better because no, it really hasn't I think I'm just broken and can't be truly happy. I have two young children, who I don't feel able to take out, my partner doesn't really do much to help but does try, to be honest I've given up trying to ask for help. I don't know what to do, lockdown is never ending - again, you can't give me and end date so don't tell me it will end. My home is a mess, I'm the only one who tries to tidy it and it's a mess again within hours, I dont even have the motivation or energy to keep tidying it. My children haven't even had breakfast yet this morning because I cant make myself get up and get it. I am so sad that my chest physically hurts and I just dont want to feel like this anymore. You wouldn't let a dog suffer like this but because nobody can see anything physically wrong nobody cares. I am waiting for counselling - I have been waiting for 11 months and so far have nothing, I have a mental health nurse who can only do phone calls (for obvious reasons but they dont help). I dont know what to do.

I did have a plan, I had a way out but my partner got rid of it. I dont want to do anything to hurt my children, I do love them and dont want to hurt them, but having a depressed mum is no good for them either. I don't know what to do.

I'm so sorry, that sounds really tough. Would you consider video counselling? It might be more effective than chatting on the phone as you will be able to see the other person's face, which makes it seem more like an actual counselling session. this counselling company set aside time for those who can't afford to pay the fees they charge, so if that would apply to you then you can get in touch with them and they can arrange an appointment. Even appointments once a week can help a lot. Try and have the appointments away from everyone else (you could have them in the car, or in the garden, whatever works), so that you are just focused on yourself.
In terms of the practical living side of things, is your partner working from home? If so, could he get up to give the kids breakfast? If not, could you get a pot of plain yogurt (when you or your partner are next in the supermarket), pour it into bowls and mix some mashed banana into it, then put the bowls into the fridge? the kids can help themselves to a bowl each for breakfast and can eat it whilst watching tv/ playing a game, and there is a minimized choking hazard since there isn't anything to chew.
This is such a tough time. If your kids watch tv and don't do much home learning, then that's okay, the same as if they did 6 hours of home learning a day. Put on an educational show, like 'bill nye the science guy', and they will be learning whilst watching. All the best, and please know that you can come back here and rant/ chat anytime you like. You aren't alone

Hi there LittleLeaps,

We're so sorry you're feeling this way at the moment, it must be so difficult. As a previous poster says, you're certainly not alone. Being in lockdown has sadly left many people feeling like this, but it's certainly not a feeling you should have to put up with and there is lots of support available to help you get through to a point when you can have more face-to-face help.

There are lots of numbers here in our Mental Health Webguide that might be of use. Do look a few up and see if there's one there you could start with. You can also call your GP - we really think if you explain how you are feeling exactly as you have here, they will want to help.

Or for immediate help and support you can call The Samaritans on 116 123, or email [email protected] (that's a response within 24 hours).

As for 'having a depressed mum', thousands of perfectly happy and healthy children have a depressed mum and there are many, many depressed mums on this board alone who will tell you that although it's hard on the mums, you are all your children need. You're more than good enough to them, even if it might not feel like it to you at the moment, so hold onto that thought at least.

We hope you'll get some more good advice and support here but please do speak to someone off the boards, too, either a family member or friend, your GP or one of those numbers we posted. You deserve more support and there's plenty out there, so make sure you get what's owed to you.

Do pop back and let us know how you're getting on.

OP how are you feeling today? Listen you need to call your GP & tell them how your feeling! I suffered with anxiety/depression for about 5 years!! Like you I to had to wait for therapy for a year! But it was the best thing I could of ever done it pretty much 'cured' me!! Call you GP & hopefully you can get counselling sooner xx

@SMJ87 I'm feeling a bit better today thank you, I do have a crisis team and they are trying to chase up the counselling, unfortunately though they don't seem to be getting anywhere. My whole life just feels like a rollercoaster at the moment.

Hi littleleaps

I just saw this thread and I recognised your name as someone kind who posted something helpful to me so I wanted to say hello.

I am sorry you are feeling this way. It's utterly shit.
I have a similar story to you MH wise and feel suicidal most of the time so i can empathise.
How has the rest of the week been ? Happy chat here if it helps

Take care of yourself.

Littleleaps do you have any adults in the house with you right now? Such as your partner? Do they know how you are feeling? If you get to the point of wanting to carry out any plans please tell someone and call an ambulance or go to A & E. This is definitely a medical emergency.

@AnaphylacticAnnabelle thank you, I've felt a little better, still quite low but alot better than I did at the time of writing this post originally. I just feel a little on edge now because I know my moods likely to dip again. I hope your ok too, I remember you were feeling pretty rotten yourself.

@Womanlywiles my partner is at home with me most of the time during the day but we work alternative shifts so I'm on my own during the evening quite often. He does know how I'm feeling and has made an effort to keep me safe, he has thrown away medication that I was saving up. I will call or go to a&e if I get to that point again.