Every night for the past six months I've researched suicide,the various methods,easiest, quickest,least painful,most painful, child psychology on kids who have had mothers commit suicide,how it affects children and different family members, getting affairs in order,leaving a note. Subconsciously I have been cleaning and decorating the house the garden and sorting out things for my children, appointments etc with the thoughts of having everything tidy and ready for my suicide .Here's the thing, I know I'll never do it. I just couldn't, my children's faces stop me every day.My life is lonely, sad,hard and relentless,luck is not my friend.Things arent going to change.People have so many plans for after lockdown ,I haven't a single plan, fact is I've lived an extreme version of lockdown for the best part of five years.
Its strange but the thought of suicide keeps me going. Wanted to share as I'd never in real life.