Suicide, my guilty secret

[WhatAMum01]

Every night for the past six months I've researched suicide,the various methods,easiest, quickest,least painful,most painful, child psychology on kids who have had mothers commit suicide,how it affects children and different family members, getting affairs in order,leaving a note. Subconsciously I have been cleaning and decorating the house the garden and sorting out things for my children, appointments etc with the thoughts of having everything tidy and ready for my suicide .Here's the thing, I know I'll never do it. I just couldn't, my children's faces stop me every day.My life is lonely, sad,hard and relentless,luck is not my friend.Things arent going to change.People have so many plans for after lockdown ,I haven't a single plan, fact is I've lived an extreme version of lockdown for the best part of five years.
Its strange but the thought of suicide keeps me going. Wanted to share as I'd never in real life.

Sorry that things have been rough for you

But I do understand this, because I feel the same. Something to do with knowing there is a choice, I think?

This is sad to read OP. I'm glad you feel like you'll never do it but I don't like to think of someone feeling this way. Have you ever sought professional help? Maybe counselling when lockdown ends?
Hope you can find a positive way forward.

@imalittlethrowaway yes it's the fact the choice is there,exactly that
Thank you.sorry you feel like I do,I dont wish it on anyone.its strange because by nature I'm an optimist.youd never guess from knowing me I'm this low.

@WhatAMum01 I'm in the same kind of situation as you.
I've lived this depressing life that everyone has been going through for the last 4 weeks during lockdown for nearly two years.
I think about suicide everyday. I don't really see much of my daughter who is 14. We were very close but since me and her mum seperated two years a go things have dramatically changed. I now don't even feel like a dad.
Again I don't think I would do anything either.
I would say to you though don't make my mistake and bottle everything up. Someone will help you and listen to you. Also think about your children and realise your a good mum.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

OP!

This is the saddest thing I’ve ever read on here.

I thank you for sharing though as I feel it’s important that people are made aware of how others might be feeling as I think many of us just don’t realise.

I’m so glad you say you won’t go through with it, every life is precious, yours is no different

I have 9 month old twins and suffered with PND. Suicide has crossed my mind at times since they were born but never seriously. Primarily because my dad committed suicide when I was 19 years old. It massively affected me and the thought of my children being affected in the same way has been enough to make me continue. I love my dad and I wish he was here. You are children’s world (even if sometimes it doesn’t feel like that) and they will always love you and need you.

It's true I couldn't do it to my kids I feel sorry for them having a mum who is part time with them mentally,someone who feels being dead would be better.i wouldn't do it as these feelings make me cry for them.

@TwinMum89 I don't feel my daughter needs me. My ex has basically blocked me out of my daughter's life by relying on her dad for absolutely everything regarding my daughter. It's horrible.

@WhatAMum01 I am so sorry you are going through all of this, but thank you for being so brave to post. I have been doing exactly the same thing for the past few months and feel so guilty about it. I also have 2 kids and would never actually do it because I know it would ruin their lives but it is almost a comfort to know I have it all planned just in case.
I've spoken to my GP who prescribed antidepressants, so I am hoping these will have an effect. Have you thought about speaking to your doctor?
I really want to stop but am finding it really difficult to let go of, and then spend all day feeling guilty about what I was researching the night before.
I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

While things may seam bleak now OP that will change. You can’t know what’s around the corner in life. Hold on to your kids and take it day by day, hang in to whatever u need to. Try do one positive thing each day. You are not alone, reach out as we are all here for you.