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Original poster

Anyone up?

54 replies

FreedomBird · 26/04/2020 01:05

Need a chat. Feeling like I want to self harm. Feeling like I want to walk out the house and not come back.
I know I don’t want to do any of these things really.

OP posts:
Original poster
FreedomBird · 26/04/2020 01:31

They weren’t as bad as I thought actually. One is 7 and the other is 3. I thought there would be huge chunks missing but I must have done more than I thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
FreedomBird · 26/04/2020 01:36

I’ve just started doing some exercise this week and I’ve been really proud of myself. But I’m in pain as a result.
I’m very overweight and disgusted with myself. My body feels broken and bits ache that shouldn’t ache.
I feel so despairing.

OP posts:
namechangenumber2 · 26/04/2020 01:36

Ah that must have been lovely, they grow up so quickly! My babies are now 11 & 16 and my youngest is nearly as tall as me Shock

zonedoutallnight · 26/04/2020 01:36

That's good then. I had such good intentions with the baby books. Especially with the oldest - writing down the dates the teeth arrived and everything. Didn't happen at all with my second though. Oops.

Original poster
FreedomBird · 26/04/2020 01:37

My kids, they’re great. I’m a sad mum though. I try so hard to be a good mum but I am often disinterested in their stories. I don’t deserve them.

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namechangenumber2 · 26/04/2020 01:38

You should be proud of yourself! What sort of exercise have you been trying? It's really hard to get motivated isn't it, but you've made a start and I think that's great

zonedoutallnight · 26/04/2020 01:39

Exercise is good as long as you know your limits. I'm very overweight but I love yoga. It's a lot harder than you think - I still get tired from doing it even though it doesn't feel like you're exercising. You can get videos on YouTube and you don't need any special equipment.

namechangenumber2 · 26/04/2020 01:41

Apart from the counselling, do you have any other support for your mental health? X

zonedoutallnight · 26/04/2020 01:42

Does your BF know you're having a tough time with your mental health btw? Is he supportive when you tell him hope you're feeling?

GingerScallop · 26/04/2020 01:42

You are not a sad mom. Kids are wonderful gifts so we don't have to deserve them. Otherwise humanity would have gone extinct. I have a little boy and he is great. Haven't even managed a baby book for him and you have inspired me to do something (even though he is almost two already). The fact that you try makes you a million times a great mum.

midwestsummer · 26/04/2020 01:44

If being disinterested in dc's stories at times makes you a bad parent then everyone else is also a bad parent!
Honestly although dc are great they can also be dull, or a total pain at times.
That is just normal parenting.

Original poster
FreedomBird · 26/04/2020 01:45

I’ve been doing hiit workouts. I hate every second of it.
No other support. I recently stopped meds and I have a niggling suspicion that I need the ADs really.

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Original poster
FreedomBird · 26/04/2020 01:46

My kids are very enthusiastic and talk a lot! I get so tired by them. I adore them. But they deserve me to be so much better for them.
Thank you all so much for your kindness. I feel less alone.

My bf knows but doesn’t understand. Not really.

OP posts:
zonedoutallnight · 26/04/2020 01:46

You are not a sad mom. Kids are wonderful gifts so we don't have to deserve them. Otherwise humanity would have gone extinct. I have a little boy and he is great. Haven't even managed a baby book for him and you have inspired me to do something (even though he is almost two already). The fact that you try makes you a million times a great mum.
This! 100%. Also. Kids stories the vast majority of the time are extremely dull. It's ok for you not to find them interesting all the time. I not always easy to listen to a story that goes round in circles and doesn't go anywhere!

namechangenumber2 · 26/04/2020 01:47

It might be an idea to see if you could try AD's again? It's a hard time at the moment for anyone, but I think particularly tough if you're struggling with your mental health x

zonedoutallnight · 26/04/2020 01:48

Why did you stop taking you meds? Did you discuss it with you gp? I've been contemplating stopping mine recently but I'm worried that I'll end up back where I was last year.

Original poster
FreedomBird · 26/04/2020 01:50

The big cause of my sad was resolved. I never wanted to be on them long term.
But the sad is back. I’m fighting the sad. Possibly in denial of the sad. But it’s there.

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namechangenumber2 · 26/04/2020 01:51

Something struck me from your first post, about knowing you really don't want to do those things. Hold onto that. I've had awful suicidal thoughts in the past ( still do occasionally) and I cling on to the fact I know I don't want to act upon them. I know it sounds weird but I almost laugh them off now Blush

midwestsummer · 26/04/2020 01:52

If you hate the exercise you're doing then try some other types. I've been doing yoga for the last month but I've overdone it this week and have a sore back, so be careful if you try yoga!
As well talking to your GP about medication options might be a good idea.

zonedoutallnight · 26/04/2020 01:52

I'd say avoiding social media like Facebook and Instagram if you're feeling down about yourself too. People only show the shiny happy perfect facade on those sites and they will inevitably make you feel inadequate. You love your kids enough to worry about them, to want them to be happy and to try and make sure they are. That's an excellent start.

zonedoutallnight · 26/04/2020 01:57

Obviously that's a big way people are keeping in touch with friends at the moment but if I need a break from Facebook I usually keep the messenger app so I can stay in the group chats

namechangenumber2 · 26/04/2020 02:26

I'm going to try and get some sleep now Freedom, I'm hope you're able to get some rest too x

GingerScallop · 26/04/2020 02:29

Trust me my boy at 22 months talks and runs a lot. It's tiring. It's not being a bad mum. Just means we are not under 16 years with boundless energy. So yes, we get tired.
I wonder if Hiit is too intensive a place to start exercising especially with PF. Yoga might be a good start. Or pilates.
And OP, please believe me when I say in these few posts I already see you are a wonderful, big hearted person. And you have inspired me. The baby book thing, and exercising (I don't but need to get on that).
You said counseling left you tired? What kind of counselling are you having? Does your counsellor know how it leaves feeling drained?
And yes, you may have to reconsider ADs. Discuss it with your counsellor/care providers.
Oh, and if you are feeling better, do you think you can try and sleep? We are here for you any time but I don't want you to exhaust yourself or feel obliged to stay up and respond to messages. We can always catch up later in the day. Sleep will do you good.
You are a wonderful human being and never forget that. Your weight has nothing to do with your character as a human being

Lily019 · 26/04/2020 02:35

Well I confess I'm lazy, hate walking and am incredibly unfit. I have no excuse to not exercise, I have a tiny garden and live next to a large park and beach. You are evidently doing better than me so be proud, I am falling to bits..
And also, my biggest regret is that I have never taken the time to do baby books. My kids are now 28,22 and 20. I can't see the eldest or youngest just now and I ache inside, I miss my family so much. You are definitely doing better than I did as a Mum, keep doing what you're doing and tomorrow will be a better day. Lots of hugs to you tonight. X

namechangenumber2 · 26/04/2020 12:17

How are you today freedom? X