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Original poster

Quivering Mess

93 replies

spacemonkey · 08/10/2004 11:33

I am a quivering mess today. Don't really know why I'm posting this, I suppose this is one place I feel able to "talk". I've been off work for a month and my doctor prescribed prozac but they haven't worked. My mum spoke to my gp on monday and they sent the crisis team to my house to see me. They recommended another month off work and doubled my dose of ADs and gave me some valium. They also liaised with my gp on my behalf and she said she would refer me for counselling. I felt better for a day or two but am now feeling much worse again. And for some stupid reason I can't get myself to the doctor to get my prescriptions. My ds cried this morning and said he didn't want to go to school so I have both my kids at home and no food in the house. I have to wash myself and get dressed and go shopping and the thought of doing that is making me shake. I feel pathetic. Please can someone tell me to pull myself together and do what has to be done. I'm an intelligent woman, I know what I have to do and that in theory I can do it, none of it is that hard, but I feel like crying all the time, I'm shaking and my body feels really really heavy. I slept nearly all day yesterday, then all night and if I went back to bed now I would sleep again, but I'm forcing myself to stay up. HELP! Someone please tell me I'm not mad.

OP posts:
mothernature · 08/10/2004 11:38

spacemonkey, so sorry you are not feeling very good at the moment, I hope someone will be able to talk to you, someone who knows your situation and can advise you, I needed to acknowledge your post, just to let you know someone was out there...

melsy · 08/10/2004 11:39

YOU ARE NOT MAD , it could be the prozac doing this BTW . my 1st few weeks of citalopram wre a bit yuck liek this too.

ooh spacemonkey I really really feel for you , been there several times, are you able to juts have a bath ?? WE havent spoken for ages. Ill have to come and see you in islington , I like ti there. What are you doing Sunday , would you like to meet for lunch?? It may just help you relax a bit. can you just My dh is away in HOng Kong from Monday so Im alone. Make something basic for lunch , beans on toast or cheese on toast??

DelGirl · 08/10/2004 11:41

Oh SM . I hope you don't mind me posting. I don't really know what to say, apart from you are not going mad at all. I've had days/weeks in the past where I struggle with with just getting out of bed and getting dressed. Is your mum still here then? Do you think it's possible you;re having a bad reaction tot he AD's at all. I was a bit like that with seroxat but ok with prozac. I'm off work today, feeling yuk but can always come up tomorrow if you want. Would you consider calling my bro and having a chat with him or asking him to get some stuff for you. I'm sure he wouldn't mind. (((hugs)))

melsy · 08/10/2004 11:41

I was menat to say that the bath will relax you !! Not that meeting me will relax you LOL , it may stress you out more !!!

nikkim · 08/10/2004 11:43

I had to come off my AD in the end as I never got tot he doctors to get presritions and pick uo my tablets.

I know the Lloyd's pharmacies and a few others collect your prescription and deliver you drugs for you. That may be worth looking into .

I don't think you are mad I used to have days like that and even now two year on I still have wobbly days when everythig seems so much effort. Infcat having a crap one today but that's another story.

From expereince prozac is either fantstic or useless - it just sent me to sleep. Unfortunately you do have to pull yourself together as you have kids and it is the pulling yourself together that will help you on the road to recovery. I hope you don't think I am being mean, I have been there and think I can empathazise. You have top keep reminding yourself that you are a strong intelligent woman you can do what needs to be done both and you will get there.

Marina · 08/10/2004 11:43

spacemonkey, you're not mad, you're ill. Please ring the GP now, tell them how bad you are feeling - hopefully they can get the prescriptions to you?
Hopefully this will stay near the top so that someone with more experience of feeling this way can give you lots more advice and support.
You're also NOT PATHETIC.

Original poster
spacemonkey · 08/10/2004 11:49

you're all so lovely, thank you for posting

i am now running a bath, just posting here is somehow helping me to pull myself out of this

melsy thank you for your offer, it's so kind of you, but i can't face people at all at the moment

DG thank you, I feel such a pathetic idiot, you have had to face things a million times worse than my situation. I have been thinking of you and wondering how you are feeling and how your pg is going, I do hope all is well.

My mum is away until Tuesday. Really I need someone here to hold my hand. My friend who lives with me has been away for a few nights too, so I think I've got myself into a state because I've been on my own (well, the kids are here, but you know what I mean!)

OP posts:
Original poster
spacemonkey · 08/10/2004 11:51

nikkim no you're not being mean at all, I need to be told I can do it, so thank you, thank you everyone for taking the time to post here, you don't know how much it has helped. Thank god for mumsnet XXX

OP posts:
Avalon · 08/10/2004 11:52

spacemonkey - one of our chemists does a pick up and deliver prescription service. Is there one near you?

Hope you start to feel better soon.

suzywong · 08/10/2004 11:53

big pat on the fetlock and a bag of sugar cubes to you.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Do so wish I was still up the road, I would give you a bed bath dressed as Hattie Jacques

DelGirl · 08/10/2004 11:53

you are not pathetic. What I've been through bears no relevance at all to what you're going through now SM. Depression is the pits, it's an illness just like any other. Not that you need telling of course. Please consider ringing P, he could do with the exercise. . Don't tell him I told you that!. PG is fine, 12 +1 feeling yuk and a bit anxious but I have another scan on Tuesday so should feel a bit more relaxed after that. Enjoy your bath and come to think of it, can you send DD to get a few bits?

Original poster
spacemonkey · 08/10/2004 11:54

My gp wants to see me, so I have to make an appointment. I feel like a fraud. Some days I am OK, some days I'm like this. I'm terrified that she will confirm all the bad things I am saying to myself, I think that's why I can't bring myself to go there. It helps to write this down.

OP posts:
melsy · 08/10/2004 11:56

I understand ,but just sometimes knowing that there are poeple there if you need them is good. It like a sense of not being alone mentally IFYWIM . I would want close or familiar people too in a time like this.

The bath will just help calm you even if the kids are in there. I do it a lot when having wobbly days.Try to just spend some time taking deep breathes , are you good at visulaisation ?? If so think of somewere that gives you pleasure and peace.

Original poster
spacemonkey · 08/10/2004 11:57

I'm going off to have this bath now, will do the deep breaths thing. Thought of suzy dressed as Hattie Jacques has raised a smile

OP posts:
suzywong · 08/10/2004 11:58

oooh Matron

xxxxxxx

Original poster
spacemonkey · 08/10/2004 11:59

you're all so kind, i'm blubbing like gwyneth paltrow on oscar night now

OP posts:
melsy · 08/10/2004 12:00

and the biggest shinest oscar goes too .................. spacemonkey , suporting role goes to................ suzywong !!! you two have made me lol !!!!!

agy · 08/10/2004 12:35

Hope you feel better soon Spacemonkey.

Heathcliffscathy · 08/10/2004 12:47

sm, you are not mad (i'm mad ) you're just a single mum struggling with enough massive life changes to make anyone feel like never leaving the safety of under the duvet. it is ok to feel like you do. it doesn't make you a bad or mad person (in fact it makes you mentally much stronger than people that deny their feelings imo, which is most people). can you try and accept the way you feel a bit more? beating yourself up is not acceptable, you have nothing to berate yourself for: you're a kind sensitive loving person who is going through a rough time emotionally and mentally and physically at the moment. I feel so strongly that if we (as human beings and especially women) just allowed ourselves to feel bad, to feel low, to feel like not leaving the house, to feel stressed beyond belief, then we would be far more able to heal ourselves and bring ourselves gently through times of crisis like you are in.

be nice to yourself. give yourself a break. you're doing great (you're acknowledging how you feel and trying to get help). your gp is not going to confirm that you are a bad person or mad...and if he/she does then she is a crap gp.

be good to yourself darling...that's an order!!!

xxxxx

Original poster
spacemonkey · 08/10/2004 13:28

Feeling a little better now. Managed to have bath, finished reading my book while in there although the book was really quite depressing and sad. Must try to find something a bit more uplifting for next read.

Stripped bed and took dirty laundry downstairs and put in washing machine. Took bins out. Brought dry washing in. Made cup of tea. Ds is happily watching a wrestling video and has helped himself to food and milk (he used a champagne flute for his milk bless him).

I know this is of no possible interest to anyone, but it is somehow making me feel better to do something and then record it here. Now I sort of feel able to go and do the next thing.

Not sure if the higher dose of prozac is making me feel so odd. Very shaky hands and tears keep coming, but I feel sort of mentally detached.

Thank you for your post soph and your email, you really are a lovely person. Why is it so difficult to be kind to oneself? I would say all the same things to someone else going through this but berate myself constantly for being weak. If I can get to the doctor today I will consider my day a success.

OP posts:
Tinker · 08/10/2004 13:35

Glad you're feeling a bit better sm. Madness is when you don't react to stressful situations. Isn't there a theory that the mad are actually the sane

melsy · 08/10/2004 13:37

wow just listen to yourlast post, you already have the ability to congratulate yourself for small steps, this is what my hypnotherapist was telling me, days dont have to big things to be good. Im so glad you feel better. I would have some good books to suggest but my sister has them all and i cant remeber the titles !! pure escapsim i suppose thats what you need in a book.

melsy · 08/10/2004 13:38

IKWYM about being able to post diffuclt moments here , helps you see it objectivley as if thinking aloud, doesnt it ?

Original poster
spacemonkey · 08/10/2004 13:56

it is strangely helpful, I think writing is enormously therapeutic, even if only blithering on here! Mind you, I highly doubt I'll actually get to the doctor today. Just the thought of facing Sainsbury's is filling me with dread.

OP posts:
suzywong · 08/10/2004 13:57

Actually, I can't do Hattie Jacques convincingly , would you settle for Jim Dale?