Would children be removed?

[user1000000000000000001]

If I'm a lone parent and have self harmed would my children be removed?

Sorry that brain dump wasn't meant to come out

You are absolutely NOT weak and it seems to me that you have symptoms of PTSD from the abuse you suffered.

Being an adult, in a subjugated, vulnerable position is not the same as being a free, fully functioning adult. You were effectively tortured to the point that you weren't even allowed ownership of your own body.

These feelings are overwhelming and are crippling your ability to be all you could be. He might not be in your life but he is still controlling you, even now.

Your kids need you to lead the way if they see you recovering then they too will begin to heal. They are young yet and the book is still being written.

If it is ASD it can get easier with age, if it is trauma, it too can improve. But even if it doesn't, you aren't currently allowing yourself to heal and be there for them fully.

Please do fing someone who you can trust to share this with. Please let people help you. You DO NOT deserve to feel this way.

Please don't apologise for being real.

It is a very difficult thing for an abused person to do.

This is anonymous, so I cannot give you RL support. But there are people who can. Who understand DV and complex trauma.

I just can't. I'm so tired

What am I meant to do when i literally can't cope with the youngest?

Put them somewhere safe and walk away for 10 min if you can.

It is an impossible situation right now and you are under extraordinary pressure.

Lock yourself in the bathroom if you must.

@user1000000000000000001 I don't have any recommendations for you but want to say I think it is obvious you are doing your best for your children, that's what good mums do. Do not compare you doing your best with someone who does not have the trauma you have. It is trauma, even what you've said here is traumatic. Trauma requires specialist help. Keep being honest, it doesn't dissipate by itself but it stops affecting you like this when you get with help. What you're writing here is clear, succinct and so well communicated, that's what all those services will see. You can get help, there is help and any of us would need it in your position. Tell them it is important that you do not become swamped, that this will not help you. I totally get what you mean about the perception of you but maybe leave them to it for now whilst you're getting assistance, deal with that later. Wishing you every bit of fortune, I really admire what you're trying to do.

Also, feeling like you can't cope with a child because of their needs or yours is pretty much routine. There is so much information to work through with the kind of SEN you've mentioned, no one just knows how to do it, definitely need specialist and peer support for that too.

Agree you are suffering from trauma. This can go away but with help from a psychotherapist specialising in trauma therapy.
Right now we are in lockdown so you are safe from everything but the repeating memories. Do you have a safe place you can think of? A beach maybe? Where the sun is warm and you can feel at peace? Maybe stop fretting over what you are unable to change, history, and focus on taking deep breaths and giving yourself a psychological break. And stop blaming yourself for another's actions. As a person you are stronger than them. Take care and focus on the future. If you can find a good trauma therapist to help, all the better. Money very well spent.
In any case, you are not alone. Just keep your head and have faith in your wonderful self and life away from the monster you escaped.

CMHT have said almost certainly this is PTSD. Social services are doing an assessment. I can't work out if I'm relieved or terrified

@user1000000000000000001
You will feel both, all mixed up in a big mess of anxiety.

This is OK. It means that yes, you will need to unravel some of these horrors but, you will do this in a safe environment, with support. Without blame.

The future now has the potential to be very very different for you and your family. You are making these changes and this is scary. But so is carrying on the same way.

It is going to be ok. You have strength you don't even know that you possess. You have been using it to carry this pain for years.

@user1000000000000000001 Does it surprise you they think that? Even from the few things you have mentioned it has been horrendous. Hope the support and help you need is shortly forthcoming. Like @chickenyhead said so eloquently, this can make your family's future very different